Are You Happy??????

A dreaded question or not, are you happy. My wife asked me this last night and of course I immediately said, sure I'm happy. Of course, she didn't let me off with the flip, yep answer, she wanted me to think about it and then answer, something I am supposed to do tonight....boy I hate pop quizes.

Its a funny question, a few weeks ago I was listening to CBC 1, a sure sign of getting old that I have begun to prefer this station to even the easy rock stations. Anyway they were talking about this question and quoted the French Actress Geneveave Bu something, a famous and aging french actress who when asked the questions said that no one can always be happy you can be content and happy sometime and since happiness comes from pleasure you should seek pleasure and the things that please you.

Well that then begs the question what pleases me and to that I must say I don't really know, I like alot of things, my family, old movies, cooking, 70's music, and doing my job but do these things give me pleasure or are they distractions. Not my family of course or my job these things while are more complex than anything that can be described as pleasures, they can be pleasing, they give you hope and affirmation and love, but also responsibility and as we all know frustration and stress, they cannot be reduced to simple pleasures.

The Frog and The Scorpion

There is a story I heard years ago....its about a frog sitting on a river bank when a scorpion asks him to give him a ride across the river. The frog says no because you will simply sting me and I will die. The scorpion says no that he promises he won't and besides if he stings the frog while crossing the river he would drown. The frog thinks about it and sees the logic in the position and agrees to carry the scorpion across the river on his back.

Halfway across the river the scorpion stings the frog and he cries out, why did you do that, now we both are going to die, the scorpion simply says, I am a scorpion, its in my nature, its what I do....

Lately in light of the new proceedings that I have discussed here and other things in my life and especially after a discussion I had with my wife last night, I have been considering why I do what I do. Chrystal asked why I wanted to keep appearing in court, dealing with other peoples problems as my own, dealing with the stress, the fears, the second guessing and the continual battles to prove myself, (this last one is the one that ticks her off the most)

You know dear reader if you have read the now many posts herein you have a pretty good idea as to why I became a lawyer and ended up as a paralegal, however after my talk last night I began to wonder why I still want to do it, is it my nature, simply what I do or is there another reason.

Chrystal and I discussed not so much what I was doing as the whys. What I think it came down to was that I have an inherent need to prove that the confidence once put in me as counsel so many years ago was well founded. In other words I feel the need to prove that I am a good person and I am frustrated that no matter how hard I work, no matter how honest I am, no matter how successful I am, and no matter how long I do this, it can be all undone by a single comment about my past or any other mistake when added to my past. This of course as she quite vehemently pointed out is wrong and of course she is right, however knowing this and feeling it are two different things. I guess like Sisyphus I am still trying to balance that boulder on the top of the mountain, to obtain redemption in the eyes of others instead of looking for it in myself.

I know I have spoken about this in the past, this self acceptance and advised my readers to do it for themselves and this is true, but maybe I should work harder to do it myself. The thing I am scared of in retrospect is that like the scorpion it is now part of my nature, and "what I do"

Another day and I just returned from the Landlord Tenant hearings, of all the proceedings I am involved in this one is the worst, nobody really wins, nobody is ever really satisfied, and the bureaucracy of the proceedings, while probably very necessary is sometimes frustrating. The reason I mention this is because of my comments above, and the thought I have been giving them.

I look at what I love about this business, dealing with people, always a new challenge, helping people that need your assistance to resolve the issues in their lives and my ability to affect their lives for the better, I hope, the vindication in being right or at least being sufficiently persuasive and/or skilled enough to be determined to be right. So to be honest and to strip away all the drama, I love the law, appearing before the courts and helping people and I guess doing something that I know I am good at doing.

However, and maybe like most of us that do this type of work, I cannot stand the business of practice, the insecurity of income and new files, the stresses of worrying about my clients and files. You may remember that I have never really been able to separate myself personally from my clients and my files which to some extent has been the source of alot of my stress over the years. So dear reader while I guess I really can't stand the mechanics of the business of law, I love the practice, bit of a paradox but in addition to that it allows me to some extent find the personal redemption that whether for right or wrong, I believe I need to move on in my life. So I guess in fact it is what I do, but unlike the scorpion I do it because I love it not because I have no choice and as I have discussed in past posts, when suffering and/or recovering from depression, you must make choices, with help and sometimes guidance, but you must make choices if for no other reason than to prevent the choices making you.

I Looked and There It Was....Gone

I am posting this brief post because for a change I do not have to be so glum or preachy.

I have discussed on several occasions my concerns both with the general lack of understanding of depression on the part of the public and specifically on the part of the Society in my past proceedings and my fears about the licensing proceedings that are upcoming. However in furtherance of the upcoming hearing I had a discussion with the discipline counsel in charge of my file and to my very pleasant surprise when we discussed the depression years ago she not only was aware of the seriousness of depression but also its effects on an individual and on lawyers specifically. It was a discovery that provides me with a great deal of encouragement, not in respect to my dealings with the society now but rather for those that might or may have the same misfortune as I and have been forced to walk this dark path.

As I have previously stated there can always be hope, so to be fair I was at fault again, I was looking for the lack of understanding and I looked and there it was....gone.

The Lord and the Devil are Now Playing Chess, the Devil Still Cheats and Wins More Souls and the Lord, Well He is Just Doing His Best......

The title to this post is from The Spanish Train an old Chris De Burgh song and to some extent mirrors my feelings tonight. It is often said by Christians that "the Lord never gives you more than you can handle". Well I just wish that he did not have such confidence in my abilities or such high expectations.

The reasons for these musings is that this weekend my daughter told me that she is separating from her spouse and moving out with our 2 year old granddaughter. While we had suspicions that she has not been happy for awhile and we were concerned about her spouse' treatment of her, she never gave us a clear indication that there were very serious problems. Now of course we told her that we support her and in fact I discussed with her for the first time, a very small portion of my marriage to her mother suggesting that if I had acted quickly and in the best interests of both her and her brother, much of the pain I caused them might have been avoided and for that matter the pain I caused everyone around me, my family, my friends and my clients. I explained to her that I didn't act when I knew there were problems to severe to fix and in doing so I lost myself, and that she must for her sake and the sake of her daughter act only in their best interests without considering, the thoughts of others or the fear of stepping into the unknown and she must above all not be too proud to ask for help or to accept it when it is offered.

Now it could be said that this type of thing happens all the time and I am personalizing it and to some extent that might be true, however dear reader as I hope I have shown here the effects of depression and specifically my depression spread like ripples on a pond moving outward over the years and bouncing back as they reach their initial limits and as such I must try to protect my daughter even now from the effects that my earlier fall may have today.

So to paraphrase the song, the devil still cheats and wins more souls and I am still doing my best...

Reflections on Faith

I haven't been posting alot lately as I have been very busy both with work and with preparation for the character hearing that I have been discussing in past posts. However today I returned again to the Lawyers with Depression website and there was an article in respect to the place of faith in recovery from depression and it got me thinking.

You may recall from past posts in high school I became involved in what was called then, the Jesus People movement, again not the glassy eyed version but the more conservative Baptist movement of the seventies. While I was as described certainly being a hypocrite in respect to my professed beliefs versus my actions, some of what I learned during that period did stick or remain with me. One thing I remember from that period was having a discussion with a charismatic evangelical missionary at a retreat that I had attended.

I had asked him about hell, saying that I really couldn't buy the medieval concept of fire and pitch forks. He told me that he believed hell to simply be an eternal separation from God. Not just a turning away but a separation. He told me that whether or not you believe in something bigger than yourself it is always around you, the possibility of faith or a turning to God is always there, however in his version of hell, he is not around you and you cannot turn to him even if you want to. Its kind of like sunlight, you can decide to go outside or not, it does not change the fact that it is there, by analogy, in his version of hell, there is no sun to go to.

In hindsight when I think about these statements in terms of the depression there seems to be a strange analogous truth to them. I was never really religious after my high school days, perhaps I at least accepted my past hypocrisy, but I did believe and I did occasionally attend church and had my children baptised in the Church of my youth, I guess to use terms of the 21st century I was spiritual rather than religious. I prayed in low times, thanked God in good times, however in thinking back during the depression that option was gone, not ignored, not avoided, not rejected, just gone.

Now when I say gone, I am not implying or trying to suggest that in some delusion of grandeur that the universe turned its back on me personally but rather that in the depression I turned my back on it, the separation was self imposed, in other words rather than deciding not to go out, I painted the windows black, locked the door and threw away the key, I chose hell. Sounds dramatic but in hindsight, I don't remember praying during this period, I didn't ask God or anyone else for that matter for help, I was alone and I accepted that fact, and quite frankly I think I preferred that position, I didn't want anyone to know what I was going through, even God. So I chose the separation from God and the world and entered into a personally constructed hell.

Sounds a bit grand but I think that when you have faith in something larger than yourself you can have hope but when you cannot have faith you cannot have hope and I like others that have suffered from depression know that without hope there is despair. I have spoken about the pain of depression before, and it is almost impossible to describe, except to say that it is severe enough that you will view death as a reasonable alternative to it, and look forward to the relief that oblivion will bring, this pain I believe comes directly from the despair. A feeling of such hopelessness that even God does not exist in the world you have entered, so not only are you separated from your friends and family but from the everything that could ever lift you from the despair.

So the upshot of what I am trying to say is that if you are suffering from depression you must find hope and hope lies in faith in something bigger than yourself, so you must find someone to help you whatever faith you had or may want, go, and ask for help, tell that someone that you need faith, you may not want it, you may never before believed that you wanted it, but now you need it, and with that help you will hopefully be able to ask for the other help you need to beat the depression and once more have hope.

I didn't do this and suffered for it, and while I am still not a religious person I can say that I do have faith and know that there is something bigger than me in the universe, so I am not alone and there is always hope.

I have re-read this post and while I have not changed it I wanted to add some further thoughts, not in terms of faith so much as the need at least I had and have to be part of something bigger than myself.

When I was young, well like all teens and young adults I wanted to be accepted, to have friends and be part of a family. As I got older I think this need was met, at least during law school and after my call when I went west by the fraternity of lawyers, I believe that is the term although I am not quite sure if there is a more politically correct one. Anyway this sense of belonging to something larger than myself was a comfort and satisfied that need in me, however when the depression set in with its attendant shame I became separated from this fraternity and lost that comfort and confidence. Now I would like to say that as discussed to some extent in previous posts that I was ostracized and lost this sense of belonging through no fault of my own but that wouldn't be true or in the least bit accurate. Yes I have previously discussed the reactions of some of my colleagues when I jumped into the pit and the Society began to take action and I have discussed some of the problems experienced to date with various local counsel however it is important to note that there is no question of the chicken or the egg. I dug the hole and I jumped into it. In other words as I became more depressed it was my decision, no matter how delusional or misguided to retreat from those that not only loved me but also those in the profession that could have helped or at least understood the pressures and problems that were driving me. So I guess to be be honest it was I that disengaged not the fraternity or my colleagues initially.

I discuss this here following my discussions of faith not only because I disengaged from faith in the same way that I did from God or the Universe but because I want those that may not have had any type of spiritual faith before they began the descent into depression that faith is not the sole property of the church and to try to illustrate that the faith I am discussing does not have to be spiritual, it simply has to be a faith or trust in something bigger than you although the two are not mutually exclusive.

I am not suggesting dear reader that this trust is easy either during or after suffering from depression, but you must believe and trust in something, you must specifically decide to trust in things outside yourself, family and friends when you can but generally the long term overall justice of the world. The trust may not always be justified but you must trust anyway and with that I believe you will have faith after all even God sometimes says no to prayers.

In my case I believe that things will work out somehow, I believe that there are inherent truths in the world that despite signs to the contrary will eventually win out, I believe that justice may not always be done in the short term but will succeed in the end. I keep this faith even when the facts may indicate the opposite and when my fear of something I cannot control tries to overwhelm me.

A good example of this is the licensing hearings I am now facing, despite the fear that sometimes sneaks up on me, despite my concerns in respect to agendas and institutional policy I have faith that the truth will be accepted and everything will work out in the end, and this as I spoke about earlier is hope and despair cannot stand against hope.

Cast Your Bread Upon The Waters...

I just returned from mailing out the first group of letters requesting letters of recommendation from various counsel and judges in my area. I had obtained a few others in the past for the preliminary stages of the investigation but this is essentially my first mass mailing. It will be interesting to see the responses, whether my conduct over the past years has garnered the respect I hope and believe it has or not, and if it has, whether that respect is sufficient to allow them to feel comfortable enough to write a letter to the society. The fear in me says no, but as previously discussed you know how the fear lies and I will wait and see. In the mean time I will prepare more letters, casting my bread upon the waters so to speak, or once more into the breach dear friend, both are appropriate but I am hoping the first bears more fruit.

Its been about a week since my last posting and I received my first response to my letters requesting a letter of recommendation. It was from a Deputy Judge that I have appeared in front of on and off for the past 10 years. He is not a local lawyer, Deputy Judge, he is from out of town, I sent him the letter more on a whim than as a result of any plan as I really know little or nothing about him and have had no social contact with him other than to say hello in various courthouses. I guess I thought that if he responded I would get a standard, he is not a bad guy letter, something to pad the file for the society with a little credibility given his position.

Well dear reader when I received the letter, I cried, and to tell the truth I am crying as I write this post. This lawyer, Deputy Judge wrote a letter that touched me deeply, it was a letter that clearly showed that he not only recognized my abilities in court but noted how I approached the profession, my approach to the people I deal with in the court, the court staff, the opposition and the members of the public that are forced to utilize the judicial system. He, more boldly than I thought anyone would, given my past comments as to the fear of counsel to enter into this process, spoke to his impressions of my character and integrity in such glowing terms that I almost doubted it was about me.

I showed my wife this letter and all she said was that finally I might be able to see myself as others see me, not through the haze of self doubt and constant need to keep proving myself to people but as a person worthy of the high opinion people have of me. As usual my friends she was right, further she has illustrated yet another scar of depression or the remaining fallout of the bomb that went off in my own life and affected so many others around me, being the need to constantly make amends, to prove that it was the depression that detonated that bomb and not me whether they blame me or not.

So after my first letter I have learned something that maybe I really needed to know going into this process, I am not as bad a person a I think I am and I may deserve to be happy despite myself.

Well dear reader it has been about a month since my last post, it has been a very busy month both in terms of work and in terms of my dealing with the Law Society hearing. The pre hearing meeting has been set for October and I have been receiving various letters from Judges and Lawyers recommending me and my character which has been very encouraging. There are still more to go and I have yet to review the Proposed Statement of Facts from the Society which will outline the issues they have with me.

Its funny though as I have indicated in past posts and in the previous parts of this post, despite the encouragement and good recommendations, the fear is still there, haunting me almost daily about these proceedings. Now I should say it is a bit different now. Instead of the being paralyzed or obsessing on the fear it is like I am standing apart doing what I have to do but noticing the fear as a side effect of those actions. Its more a function of observation than dwelling on it, I feel the fear but when I do its like I can now say, oh, that's interesting, I wonder why that is bothering me, and I move on. I can only hope that this is a function of moving past the depression, as I have said the fear will probably always be there, maybe now that I have recognized it for the misleading emotion that it is, it will show its face a little less often.

On Your Mark, Get Set, ......

Dear reader I entitled this post On Your Mark, Get Set... for me more than for you or to even be a little clever. Rather as a goad or whip for myself, I know what I have to do, I just have to do it. It can be get set go, or it can be get set run around in ever decreasing circles. This is a reminder to myself not only to get moving but to be effective.

It is hard to prove you are of good character, where do you start, so I will continue when I have something to write about. I know I am of good character the problem is how do you prove it on the balance of probabilities, think about it, who do you know that can definitively say you are a good person other than those that that love you and as such have little weight in such a hearing.

Well here we go, after some discussions with various colleagues and one paralegal that has gone through the process I am about to start. First letters to as many counsel, judges and agents as I can in the hopes of obtaining their recommendations as to my competence, demeanour in court, and hopefully good character, then letters to as many past and present clients as I can again hopefully to get recommendations as to my handling of their matter, my client management and my character, then some personal letters from friends and family that while they will not hold allot of weight may give the panel a rounded view of my present life. I will then have to see if I can get anyone to attend at any eventual hearing, which may be tough not only due to the fact that these people are very busy but also due to the fact that I have yet to meet anyone that wants become directly involved in this type of hearing no matter how strongly they feel about the subject. I firmly believe that is why most complaints to the society do come from the public and not counsel, they just do not want to get involved with the process. Anyway that is the plan for this week, preliminary I know, but a start, as they say a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.

It is Sunday and I am continuing on my journey by preparing the many requests for recommendations. Yesterday Chrystal and I had a long discussion about the upcoming hearing, she was a little ticked off that we yet again had to go through this type of process, that I again had to prove myself and that our family once more had to deal with the stresses of the ghosts from the past. While I must admit that despite my understanding of the reasons why, emotionally I have the same questions and wonder when this is going to be over, when I can take a step forward or even make a mistake without the events in the west colouring the perceptions of those around me. As I said earlier in this blog I guess the answer is never. This may seem unfair but reality is not always fair, it just is and I would suggest that anyone that finds themselves in the same position as I should understand this and not let it defeat you.

I was asked by the society investigator how I felt about what happened in the west, was I remorseful. I told him yes, that I think about all the time, that almost a week doesn't go by that I do not think about the pain I caused my clients and those around me because not only do I feel badly about it generally but I am never allowed to forget it. If it is not something like this investigation, or a comment from opposing counsel or someone I am acting against, it is found in the fact that because of all of the past problems I have to try to be that much better at my job, that much more transparent in my actions and not only honest but be able to prove my honesty to those that would question it. The frustration arises in the fact that whether I am successful or not in doing the above it means nothing when the single mention of the problems brings everything back and I must start again. The important thing dear reader is that I do start again that I continue on not only for myself which is important but to try and show that the past problems arising from the depression did not beat me and will not no matter how many times I have to start again. The importance of and I believe dignity in this constant movement forward can I think be best illustrated by a colleague that I speak to on occasion who was disbarred almost 30 years ago. He is a paralegal now and we have dealt with each other in the courts for years. He is a good man and works very hard for his clients and has rebuilt his life despite trials and punishments much worse than those suffered by me. He has served the public and has become such a respected member of the community that he was asked to run for a municipal counsel position. After alot of consideration but with a desire to serve he put his name forward as a candidate. Immediately after doing so the local paper ran an article disclosing his 30 year old disbarment, of course his election bid ended before it began. In this article there was no mention of his accomplishments over the past thirty years, his service to the profession, his redemption or rehabilitation, just the suggestion that he was dishonest without discussion or I think even any knowledge of the facts that led him to his mistakes. This event of course hurt and disappointed him but he accepted it as a logical if unfortunate consequence of his past actions and kept on moving forward in his life.

In discussing this event with him I told him that I understood his feelings of frustration at this type of thing, he said, as I was disbarred he could see how I would know what he was talking about and his feelings. I had to smile and I told him that I was not in fact disbarred which surprised him because from what he had heard it was considered to be general knowledge amongst the local bar and bench, this is after 10 years of my appearing before the court and not ever hiding my past. After I told him what had really happened we both just smiled at our mutual understanding and common experience, both agreeing that no matter how much time passes things will not change and the scars cannot be removed, you just have to move on tyring no matter how vainly to tip the scales of reputation to at least balance out the weight of past transgressions.

In reviewing the above paragraphs I do not want to suggest to any reader that this apparent endless struggle to push the boulder up the mountain is not worth it. In thinking about the plight of Sisyphus I think I can now say with some authority that the virtue is not in the getting the boulder to the top of the mountain but in the willingness to keep pushing. Dear reader if you are going through a depression or tyring to recover from it or have recovered from it and facing similar frustrations to those of my colleague and I, the greatest success you can have is the knowledge that you can and will keep going no matter what, not for the sake of public redemption but to reach a point that you can forgive yourself and see yourself as the person you wish others would see.

Again the journey is not for public redemption but for personal redemption, you must realize that if you were canonized as a saint the papers would say, disgraced lawyer becomes saint, the thing to remember is that all saints didn't start out that way and martyrdom is not a job requirement.

The Time Has Come The Walrus Said.......

The time has come the Walrus said to speak of many things, of ships and shoes and sealing wax and of cabbages and kings......Always for some unknown reason my favorite quotation, I guess it has become relevant now as I have to establish whether I am a cabbage or a king.

After looking at the above quotation I thought of a couple of others I had seen recently on the Lawyers with Depression website, a site I discovered while writing the early stages of my blog and located at http://lawyerswithdepression.wordpress.com
This a great site and has provided me with many insights I did not have before and I am sure would help anyone that may be suffering from or recovering from depression. In addition there were two quotations that really struck a chord with me

Of all the liars in the world, sometimes the worst are your own fears.

-Rudyard Kipling

and

Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point.

-C.S. Lewis


I will not write about these now as given the present circumstances they really have gotten me thinking.

Although I was in court this morning dealing with the dramas of the Small Claims Court, a honeymoon gone wrong, and truck towing charges. The first a bit of fun as my client's went on their honeymoon, arrived at the airport and found no tickets despite pre paying and booking their flight 6 months before. After using the balance of their holiday money to purchase new tickets to get to the Caribbean they took off to enjoy the beginning of their marriage. I can only imagine the discussion my client's new wife had with him on the plane as it was he who had made the travel arrangements. Then they arrived on the island, hopefully after marital bliss had been re-established, and left the gate only to find that the all inclusive resort he had booked was closed for renovations. They were sent to another resort, admittedly just as good but hours away from where they wanted to be to enjoy their honeymoon. As compensation they were offered a room free if they returned to the islands at their own expense.

This can only be described as a Judge Judy case, I think even the Judge was enjoying himself at the conference discussing the matter with the counsel for the travel agent and the resort as his first questions to counsel were, are you married, did you go on a honeymoon and what would have been your wife's reaction to all this. His next question was how much are you going to kick in to settle this matter. After some hesitation and a reminder from me somewhat facetiously that if this matter was in the US the claim would be for 10 million not 10 thousand, we came to a settlement in excess of the cost of the overall trip and my newlyweds left happy, their confidence in the justice system renewed and hopefully a husband off the hook or at least with a comeback line in years to come when his wife undoubtedly recalls his somewhat dubious ability to book a holiday.

I outlined the above because sometimes I feel that the limits of a paralegal's practice are not worth it and just the drudgery of Sesame Street law, however it is matters like this, whether humorous or not, that again bring to my attention that even little matters that may not mean life or death to the parties involved are still important and worth the fight.

A new day and paperwork lies ahead, its pouring rain so it at least it takes the sting out of sitting in my dungeon shuffling paper. I have been thinking of the two quotations mentioned earlier, they are of course both true and of course relate directly to getting through a depression. The problem I think when considering them is the application. The first about fear, well it is very accurate, fear basically tells you that you are going to fail before you start so why bother, it not only tells you that you are going to fail but more importantly that there is no way you can win. This of course robs you of hope and as I mentioned earlier,it is this loss of hope that is the greatest factor in depression. You lose hope in little things, then the big things, then in everything and that is when the despair begins. So this quote is true obviously but can it help by knowing it, I think so, if it is one of those factors you consider in everything, in other words in terms of my own application of the intent of the thought, every time I feel the fear I must say its a lie, a challenge untried is a potential victory lost because to stop is to be paralyzed and nothing changes or gets achieved. To quote the movie Dune "fear is the mind killer", not such an auspicious author but you sci fi fans get the point.

If dear reader you have trudged through these missives from the beginning you may understand how this point applies to me, the missed opportunities in life and relationships due to my fear of compromising my original plan and the missed opportunity to avoid the depression itself because I was afraid to admit my problems and seek help. Thus in considering the quotation it is not only very true it is in many ways a guide or instruction that can help get you through your recovery, get you through the depression and as my case and present circumstances, help you move on. So if you are afraid to ask for help, do it, if you are afraid to ask a question or put yourself on the line, do it and if you are afraid to face a problem and take action, as I am at present, rack em up and go for it, you may lose, but you would do that if you don't try so technically you cannot be any worse off that you would be if you didn't even try.

As to the second quote, its also true, but I must admit a bit self serving, not that it should be, just that practically speaking it will be, not through any fault of yours or any flaw in the inherent truth of the statement but in the fact that given the general lack of understanding and acceptance of depression, very few people if any will understand what it takes to face this unseen killer. I would like to tell you that if you do everything right in dealing with depression that when you come out of it or start to come out of it people will see the strength of character and force of will it took to survive and live, that they will acknowledge your achievement for the survival alone. Unfortunately unlike the person that learns to walk again after being injured or the person that battles back from cancer the scars that depression leaves are not battle scars of a victory won, or the scars that tell the story of your battle, rather they are found in the destruction of your life and the pain you have caused others. So dear reader the perception of those around you and those that judge you is not of the battle you have won but the destruction you have caused, not the courage you have shown but the lack of character you exhibited. Sounds pretty bleak huh, but its not, the more I thought about it I realized that in addition to the few people that will understand, mostly those that have gone through it themselves or something similar, you and in my case I know the courage and plodding determiation it took to survive.

Now in my circumstances with the up coming hearing on my character, I cannot stand up and say I have good character because I am here, I survived, realized the pain I caused and have taken steps to redeem myself and make amends. I think dear reader we know that would go over like a lead balloon, however, I can know it, I can accept in myself that I can face any challenge and survive, I have the depth of spirit and character that allowed me, in real terms face death even at my own hand and come back. I have faced those that would judge me, damn me, hate me or ridicule me, listened, accepted and moved on and tried to make a good life for myself and those around me. Thus the strength in this quote or thought is not found in the hope that others will know or understand the virtue or strength of character in your survival but that you know it, accept it, and believe it. I think that if I can accept that in myself and really believe it then facing those that don't understand, or believe or in fact believe the opposite, will be made easier. So dear reader the strength given by the quote is not in its acceptance by those around us but in our ability to accept it in ourselves.

A bit philosophical for a rainy day, but here endeth the lesson, I hope I learned something.

Scarlet Letter

Well dear reader at the end of my last post I thought that perhaps the drama was over, but then again perhaps I forgot the title of this blog and should have known better. First of all some good news, my son in the west and his girlfriend had a baby boy making me a grandfather again. They named him after me, something that given the troubles he has survived in his life because of my trials and tribulations has touched me very deeply. It has also raised some questions in my mind as to whether I should let this blog stand as published because as I indicated he does not know that he is not biologically mine and I would never want to cause him any more pain. However after thinking about it I truly believe it is important that others that have suffered from depression or are suffering from it know that they are not alone and can have a life.

In my previous posts I have spoken about the the fact that the scars of depression do not seem to fade, like a scarlet letter branded on your forehead they persist and there is no doubt that this is a test of your determination and quite frankly your health. After finishing my last post and at the end of last week I received notice that the law society had determined that I must go to hearing to establish my good character as part of the paralegal licencing process. I wish I could say I was shocked and rant on with some kind of righteous indignation, but alas I cannot. I am of course disappointed that the materials I forwarded to the society were not sufficient to assure them of my character but I am not surprised as the scars are too obvious and past errors too great to dismiss.

Immediately after getting this notice I had to leave to take my family camping, and I mean the family, all the kids, all the grand kids and a cousin, struck out for the north woods with enough equipment to climb Everest. I mention this now because it did help me take my mind off of things for a while mainly because I hate camping. Bugs, dirt in your food, uncomfortable sleeping arrangements in a damp tent and the constant refrain of kids telling you they are bored when faced with outdoors. Ahh the things we do as dads.

We arrived back on Sunday, pulled back muscle, filthy clothes and feeling like we had been camping for a month instead of two days, only to find a the society's disclosure package that had been couriered to me. I knew it would be coming and in fact if it hadn't I would have requested it, but boy it was lousy timing and as such the package sits here on my desk, opened but unread until I work up the courage to dive back in to the ocean of my mistakes, alleged mistakes and the questions that will determine whether I am of good character or not.

I said earlier in these postings that with the scars of depression come the insidious duo of fear and shame with the added bonus of self-doubt. Well dear reader over the weeks I have written about the battles I won or lost in the past in the hope that it could help someone else, I will now continue this blog while actually fighting a battle. I only hope I can remember my own advice, learn from past lessons and hopefully establish that I have a good character even when I sometimes cannot see it myself. The point being that the battle I will be describing is not really with the society but with myself.

After thinking about the above for a few hours, I must think of my back because it still hurts, I am trying to quantify both my feelings toward the hearing generally and quite frankly what good character is objectively. I guess my feelings generally are that I am afraid, the old adversary fear is quick to raise its ugly head. I am afraid that I cannot take another for the lack of a better word, inquisition as to my life and past mistakes, afraid that I cannot handle this type of matter on my own but as I cannot afford to retain counsel I must, afraid that despite believing that I am a good person that my mistakes and misjudgments will bring the opposite conclusion when viewed objectively, afraid that this trial will be the one that is too much. Its easy to talk about past battles won or lost but survived, its hard to look down the road to a new one.

I was once told by a colleague that helped me in the past that if I survived this and moved on with my life no one could question my character again. Well I guess he was wrong but then again being a member of the bar does not make you infallible, it only lets you think you are, come to think of it he was the same friend that told me that just because you are paranoid doesn't mean everybody is not out to get you. Well I am starting to ramble but I hope this free flow of thoughts lets you see that even after all of these years not only do the scars of depression have their effect, the fear, shame and self doubt that contributed to depression are also never far away. The trick is to acknowledge it, face it, and ask for help which I am going to do, I am just not sure who at this point as I am at the early stage of the battle, all I know from my last encounter is that I cannot and will not do it alone.

This is not to say dear reader that I am getting depressed again, just that I am staying vigilant. As I have said, depression sneaks up on you, and by the time you recognize it you are not in the proper frame of mind to deal with it responsibly. Is this being paranoid, probably, but once bitten twice shy. As part of the recovery from depression you are warned to be watchful for the early signs, insomnia, procrastination, and the feeling of being alone, of wanting to be alone and the despair of being alone. I have been acting as a paralegal now for almost 10 years, I have won most of my cases, and obtain my business by word of mouth and referrals from counsel. In that time I have had 3 complaints, all in my view frivolous, but given the licencing process all fair game in addition to my past mistakes in determining good character. I have made mistakes in my life and dealt with them, I have taken the stresses of daily life and then some, my concern dear reader as I have mentioned so many times before in these postings, I can fight for others endlessly, its fighting for myself that has always been the problem, thus vigilance is called for.

Another day, I have reviewed the case law from the society and to some extent determined the criteria or standard that must be established at the character hearing. Sounds confident huh. Confidence is the wrong word because as indicated throughout this blog, despite my confidence in court or when dealing with the interests and rights of my clients, personally and in matters surrounding my own life I have never really been confident, a character flaw, perhaps but something I have always dealt with and even more so after the depression. So I have determined the best manner for me to proceed in respect to the society hearing is to treat it solely as a client file, to consider what advice or manner I would deal with this for someone else and then take my own advice and avoid personalizing the matter at all costs.

The problem with this approach to some extent is that since returning from the west and recovering from the depression my life and the life of my family has been much more insular. In B.C. I was much more outgoing, a member of a service club, very social going out for dinner with friends and even unsuccessfully running for local municipal office all in conjunction with my busy work schedule. Upon reflection and recovery I decided that this type of life while I was devoted to my kids, did not really make them the foundation priority, so upon recovering and starting my family here I strove to change my priorities and make my family the foundation of my life. This is not to say that I do not work too much, in fact I do. My approach to representing my clients has always been to be personally invested in the file. This of course is not a good idea and probably contributed to my depression by adding to the stresses of each file, increasing the expectations of the clients, and to some extent my perceptions of my personal worth. As I said I am aware that because of these negative side effects that this is not a great way to proceed, in fact I have always to some extent admired those counsel and even paralegals that could essentially be professional sociopaths. Now this sounds worse that it is, I simply see it as the ability to separate personal emotion and investment from the file, to do the job, deal with the client and get the job done without making it personal or being emotionally involved. I have tried but I just can't do it, so I must watch and again be vigilant so I don't work too much or lose site of the job in respect to the needs, emotions or expectations of the client. This type of approach also effects the bottom line because I generally end up cutting retainers or doing hours more work on a file that I don't bill for because the client can't afford it or the file begins to become less cost effective. This on top of the fact that I end up taking calls at all hours of the night and weekends does not impress Chrystal but its always been the way I have done the job and while I have tried to change it I can't seem to do it. Nevertheless other than work I spend time with my family and that's about it. This not to say that we do not have friends and simply hide out, on the contrary we do get out but our friends are mainly our family.

In reading this it seems a bit limited and too insular but it is not intentional as it once was when subject to the depression its simply as result of time and I guess money. We have our lives, I cook, Chrystal gardens, I collect eight tracks and Lp's I know its strange, but I firmly believe they will make a comeback, and we generally get on with our lives.

Same Time Different Story

Well dear reader I have outlined some of the events that were occurring during the period after I arrived back in Ontario and discussed some of my feelings about the things I had no choice but to deal with to try to get my life back on the starting blocks. In other words I have had a good if suppressed rant, now its time to outline the personal aspects of what was happening during this period.

At this time Chrystal and I had gotten back together and through all the trials that I outlined in my previous posts she was standing beside me supporting me in both my actions and decisions. While this is a great thing on its own it is even more important than it would appear because she was the bastion against the return of the depression while at the same time giving me a safe haven to return to when the side effects or after affects of the depression started to get to me. We like any couple have our good times and our bad, but we live through these times knowing that we have gone through the very bad times and that we can do almost anything together.

During the various battles for custody and the ongoing, at this time battle with the law society we moved to various apartments slowly building a life together until we reached the point that we could purchase our own home. While this is a milestone for anyone in a relationship it was especially important for me because it was a step back on the road to self-sufficiency and in some way self respect. I know we are not supposed to gauge our value in the world by material possessions but as one that lost everything, it was a definite step. Now this is not to imply that it was a palace, it wasn't, actually a fixer upper but in a nice neighbourhood with a view of the lake and close to the ski hill, it had definite potential. I should point out that it is generally accepted that when it comes to being handy I am a great supervisor. However I was lucky again in that Chrystal is very handy so the fixer upper became her project and I just fetched the tools when told what they looked like. After many years our fixer upper is now a beautiful house that I can now honestly say is a palace and more importantly our home.

You may recall that I mentioned earlier that after Chrystal and I first separated in our late teens she had gotten married and had a son. After returning to Ontario I have gotten to know this young man, that once could have been mine and he is a great person, a good friend and the now father of two of my grandchildren. However it had always been Chrystal's regret that she had never had another child as she had tried for twenty years but was told by the doctors that she would never conceive again.

So we settled into our new house, we had custody of my daughter McKenzie and we all started to look at the future with some hope and expectations. This is not to say everything was perfect, I was still dealing with the society and its associated costs as well as paying off the bills related to the custody fight, but we were managing and most important we were a family. Then to our surprise near the end of our first year in our new home we discovered why its important to get a second medical opinion, Chrystal became pregnant with our son Timothy. Now to say I was surprised is a polite way of saying I was happy, shocked and scared to death. Upon reflection it is probably more proof that God has a dry sense of humour. Nothing like a new baby to keep you focused.

During this period as previously outlined I had gone through the embarrassment of applying for assistance and I must say that I learned over time that it is not just an embarrassment for me, but I believe for anyone that reaches that position. It is difficult to both admit that you have reached a point so low that you need to be supported by the government and to be forced to admit that fact both to yourself and the world. After being on support for awhile with Chrystal helping with her income I got the job as a consultant for a couple of years and when that contract ended I discovered that you could be a paralegal in Ontario and practice in the lower courts and tribunals.

As I had put all my eggs in the legal basket at an early age this seemed to be the only option I had so I began to advertise a paralegal business. This option at first blush would appear to be perfect, do what I was good at, what I loved to do and something that would pay the bills while keeping my legal hand in for the future. Well this was true in many respects but it proved a trial then as it does now to some extent, both due to the professional and personal scars that the depression had left and the very nature of the profession that I had been a part of and was so anxious to be a part of again.

Paralegals in Ontario had fought for almost a decade with the law society for the right to represent the public in the courts and eventually won this right through the courts. Given this fight and the resulting position of the society and lawyers generally there was reluctant acceptance of agents by the bar in general, with open hostility from a few. It should be noted that even with the general acceptance the attitude of most but not all lawyers was a patronizing one, viewing us as the idiot cousins that somehow managed to get permission to sit at the big table. If you add this atmosphere to my lack of confidence, my fear of standing out, and my now total fear of confrontation you may be able to understand my reluctance if not total fear of appearing in court or even dealing with lawyers generally. Shame has a way of popping up when you least need it.

I would like to be able to provide some pearl of wisdom, some universal insight, or psychological breakthrough that allowed me to return to the courts. I would like to tell you that like a butterfly from the cocoon I burst back into the court shining in my brilliance. Unfortunately, I cannot, I did not burst into the courtroom in triumphant return, I slunk back, knees bent, head down, fighting my fear with every step, but the point is I did go back, both because I needed to support my family and because despite the depression and the fear I knew I needed to stand up, maybe not tall but at least I could stand there and acknowledge my own existence. A bit dramatic I know, rather a fancy way of saying I just gutted it out, and all I can suggest to anyone else in the same position in life is that when you are ready you have to make the step, you cannot hide, you cannot let the depression stop you from moving in some way through your life It if nothing else it lets you know that the fear can be beaten.

Now it would be nice to say that after proving myself in the courts, and I believe I did time and time again, that the fear and problems disappeared, but they didn't. It has been many years since my first day in court and while I walked around for many of them with my heard down relying on quiet persuasion with opposing counsel rather than aggressive or at least firm positions I still find on a weekly if not daily basis that I am treated, as are other paralegals with the same patronizing attitude by many lawyers that I experienced in the beginning. In addition to this you would think that my past problems while not advertised by me but never hidden, were still almost universally known, would fade into the background in the face of my obvious success and competence. Unbelievably this is not the case, it is a common misconception amongst even the local lawyers now, years later that I was disbarred not suspended. I have even had counsel while attempting to remove attention from their own errors state that I was disbarred in open court in an attempt to destroy my credibility, prejudice the court and win their case. I have had lawyers refuse to respond to me in respect to my client's interests and have even been told by counsel that do not know me personally that they will not deal with me because of the events years ago in the west, despite the fact that they have no idea what those events were. Remember dear reader I once said that the scars of depression can haunt you for years and they certainly have haunted me. However, to anyone in any profession or job that is facing this type of fallout from their past depression or is afraid to venture forth because of a fear of this type of treatment, you must do it anyway, you must face this fear because to hide is to open the door once more to the factors that may have contributed to your depression in the first place. You may not always win the battles but if you can win one at least you will know that there can be other victories.

Well years have passed and paralegals are a feature of the legal landscape, the society that once fought to refuse paralegals admission to the courts has now successfully fought to have us licenced and to be the administrators of the process. As an aside, while I agree that paralegals must be licenced I always smile at idea that the society is in charge, to me it is kind of like accepting a dinner invitation from Hannibal the Cannibal, you know there is a dinner you just don't know who is on the menu. Anyway, back to the ghosts of my past.

As part of the licencing process in addition the the competency tests, there is a requirement that you be of good character. I am sure you can see where I am going with this. Needless to say I disclosed everything, my past, any complaints valid or frivolous that I may had over the years in the conduct of my business, almost to the point of admitting that I broke my mom's china figure when I was seven. I heard nothing for over a year, I thought that for once I had proven myself, moved on from the past and escaped the ghosts of my depression. This of course was and is not the case and I am presently attempting to establish my good character to a law society once more and can only hope that my post and pre depression life is sufficient to establish same. These are the battles that will not stop but as I said earlier it is important to fight them if for no other reason that to establish that you can fight, and that no matter what the perception of those around you, you are the person you want to be or at least are on the journey there.

So dear reader I have almost brought you up to the present, we have two grandchildren from Chrystal's son, we have one granddaughter from my daughter McKenzie and we have our nine year old son. Life is not always easy for any of us, things get financially tight, and the battles sometimes make me weary, the trick is to remember the one thing that depression always takes from you, the knowledge that there is always hope and that despair and fear can always be beaten with help and understanding.

As a final note and to complete some of the circles started earlier I recently heard from Karen, she is a respected yoga instructor, travelling the world giving seminars and is presently considering becoming a monk. As to Robin, well I have not spoken to her since that afternoon in B.C before my divorce but understand that she married a successful lawyer in the US and has quite a reputation as an equestrian, a dream that she always had. So I guess in the end things turn out the way they should, and while any of the decisions I made in my life big and small could have changed the events that I have discussed here I am glad I am where I am now, I just wish the trip had been a little more comfortable.

The Art of Questions and Ineffectual Hindsight

In my last post I went through the events that got me back to Ontario, if not to a normal state of mind, although hopefully I was getting closer to it, as well as the adjustments and battles that I had during that period. On reading the post there were so many other things going on at that time that I thought it would be important to fill in the blanks while at the same time reflecting on the nature of these events.

As I have said on a couple of occasions, depression is a strange, insidious, and dangerous thing, it destroys your life from the inside, so I do not want to give the impression that a few pills, talks with with the doctor and a new relationship suddenly made everything alright. This is definitely not the case, it takes years of work, counselling and determination to get back to what most people can consider normal. Anybody that is suffering from depression should know as I am sure anyone that has walked the road back to a normal life is aware, it is a hard and difficult journey and its affects can leave visible scars on your life that you will always have to deal with. The thing to remember is that the journey is more than worth it and no matter how great the pain it is better than the alternative.

Before I deal with the specifics and traumas of dealing with the courts from the other side of the counsel table and the law society I think it is important to discuss some of the effects that depression can have on your life and certainly had on mine. I have said that depression is insidious and it definitely is, not only does it sneak up on you it uses everything you are or want to be against you, every dream and every fear has its place in the arsenal, the greatest weapons in my opinion being, fear, pride and shame. These weapons may not all be used at once in your downfall but they will be used and often and always by you, depression's partner in crime. I should say that not only did these things contribute directly to my depression in the first they did not disappear when I finally bottomed out and began to get treatment, they have their place to this day, you may be able to win the battles but to date I honestly can say that I cannot see an end to the war.

Whatever the the event that starts your depression, whether like me, a bad relationship and divorce or financial problems or just the general stresses of life, somehow, someway the above will contribute to your downfall. As a lawyer I was the problem solver, the source of all wisdom to my clients and a pillar of strength in my family and community. Talk about pride before the fall. You see dear reader I could not admit to myself and thereby to others that I was having problems, I had to be strong, I could not be seen to be weak because not only would that endanger my perception of myself in the world but also in my profession, in the community and in my family which I could not and would not allow. I was the rock, while at the same time I was falling apart. So pride started my fall, the twin sisters of shame and fear finished the job.

Fear and shame are paralyzing, they stop you from doing anything, they make you procrastinate, not from laziness but from a fear of making the wrong decision, you do nothing instead of doing something wrong, you stall, instead of acting you react, instead of moving off the tracks you let the train run you down. I would like to say that at this point that I didn't realize that this was happening to me, but the sad fact is you do know that things are going south but instead of dealing with it properly and reasonably and asking for help to resolve the problem in a way that you would advise anyone else to do, you hide it because you cannot have a problem that you cannot solve. So in your addled state you start to pretend, everything is fine and when the odd person or friend notices a difference you lie and say everything is not only fine its great.

I didn't let on to anyone that I was having problems and lived quite happily thinking that I was fooling everyone and when I thought I wasn't as outlined earlier my behaviour got more and more extreme and then I just hung out with the people that either couldn't tell I was faking it or didn't care.

So now that I was home and getting treatment I thought I would be fine and things would get easier. In a way they did because the despair while initially not gone was beginning to fade, however the ever present shame and fear now came to the forefront. I guess the shame is understandable in that I had effectively blown the dream. Everyone tells you, friends, the doctors, anyone that loves you that it wasn't your fault, it was the depression that caused the problems, not me, I was a good person, and you even accept to a point that it might be true. However, as a lawyer that only recently began to believe in depression, kind of like being smacked in the mouth by Bigfoot, I still remembered the times that I used depression to defend or mitigate sentences on everything from theft to attempted murder all the while thinking that it was simply psycho babble and the person I was defending knew exactly what he or she was doing. If you add my own doubts to the fact that almost everyone one else either thinks the way I did or doesn't care how it happened just that you lost everything and are disgraced, shame comes easily and with the shame the fear.

You are afraid to walk down the street in case you see someone that knows or wants to ask questions about what happened, you don't want to face family because you were the shining star that has fallen and whether they think so or not you assume the worst. After a while you begin to see the condemnation in their eyes, in every comment you see the double meaning and the criticism, basically you begin to get very paranoid. I was once told that just because you are paranoid it doesn't mean everyone is not against you. Anyway on a more serious note after thinking about this for awhile and yes talking to the doctors I determined that the only way to deal with both the feelings of shame and the crippling belief that I was the topic of every conversation was to march in and face it head on. I think I compared it to bungee jumping, don't think just jump. I figured that I couldn't stop people from finding out what happened in a small town and if they were talking or judging there was nothing I could do to stop it. So I ignored it, I didn't let it stop my life, the feelings of shame and fear were still there it was just a matter of moving through it.

As you may remember from my previous posts I have never been big on personal confrontation despite my aggressive nature in court. The other effect of the shame and fear was what I can only describe as the total destruction of my self confidence, its easy to push yourself out into the community once you get the determination to do it, its another thing put yourself out there personally, to stand again and say deal with me. That is a battle that was hard fought and while the battles have become fewer and further apart they still occur and must be won.

Once the fog began to clear in my head I had to deal with the wreckage of my life or at least put out the fires after crashing and burning. The first matter on the agenda was attempting to deal with the law society and the various complaints about my practice. Now earlier in these postings I briefly discussed my opinions as to the mandate or purpose of the society in respect to the conduct of counsel, and while those comments were rather firm I do not want you to get the impression that I carry some resentment as to what the society did in my case or in general, on the contrary I both understand the reasons for their actions and the need for their position in respect to the profession. In hindsight what I believe I had and have problems with is both their unrealistic approach to the practical aspects of the profession, and what I perceived, right or wrong as the guilty till proven innocent approach to disciplinary action.

I have read the above a few times and to tell the truth no matter how many times I edit the paragraph it still sounds like sour grapes. Its funny I have sworn to myself to be honest in this blog yet I really have problems setting out my views on the society's handling of my disciplinary matter. It's not like the action was not appropriate, I crashed and burned and screwed up endangering my clients' positions and my life, that I can see. I think my problem arises with the mechanics and the obvious limitations to the process despite their knowledge of the nature of the majority of problems that give rise to disciplinary action.

What I am trying to say here is that by the time I had to deal with the society I was both intellectually, emotionally and financially incapable of doing so. It is easy to personalize the proceedings which of course is not an effective approach or one based on reality given the number of complaints and/or actions that the society would take in a year. However due to my mental state at the time there is no other way that I could or would look at it. I once stated in a speech to a Bar Assistance Program meeting that during this period I had felt like Job being tested by God, then after a while I determined that Job was a bit of a wuss as he only had the devil on his case and I had the law society after me.

So dear reader I hope I have now illustrated if not established that the workings of the society at least in respect to their dealings with me were a function of a social imperative and institutional structure and procedure. However, in defence of my own recollections I would now suggest that as any institution is made up of people it can fall prey to both a general institutional bias and/or the personal agendas and perceptions of its agents and employees. I make this suggestion due to the fact that even at the earliest stages of the investigation and after I had begun making full disclosure of all materials and events that occurred in my practice the position of the investigators and the disciplinary counsel was that I was dishonest and should be disbarred. This opinion was not an implied position but a stated one prior to even the completion of the preliminary investigation. This position was also taken in conjunction with the statement made, again prior to any investigation and the provision of medical reports, that I did not want to be a lawyer and was purposely sabotaging my practice to enable me to cease my practice. It is really this initial illogical, unreasonable and self justifying position taken by the society that has in hindsight given rise to my previous comments as to the "scorched earth" approach of the society generally.

Upon further reflection as to my dealings with the society I would like to state that most bar associations have lawyer assistance programs to assist people just like me that are sliding into depression or are experiencing other psychological, emotional or substance abuse problems. This is not to suggest that even if I was aware of them at the time that I would have taken advantage of their assistance. I would suggest that anyone reading these various missives that may see himself or herself here, make inquiries, as my involvement with this type of organization later demonstrated to me that allot of problems could have been avoided with their help.

Despite the above and as a result of the research I have done over the years I would suggest that despite the fact that the societies fund or partially fund these assistance programs their commitment to the conditions that the programs are designed to assist are initially given little weight. It is this approach that gives rise, not to bitterness on my part but rather concern as it would seem that their position in respect to depression was the same as mine prior to actually experiencing it. They view it as simply an excuse to avoid responsibility for inappropriate conduct. The question then arises whether the funding or partial funding of the assistance programs is a politically correct response to the problems of lawyers or a real policy commitment that is disregarded or minimized in application. In my case, despite full cooperation, submission of several drafts of agreed statements of fact, numerous medical and psychiatric reports, the independant corroboration of accounting reports, file reviews, countless letters of recommendation and the eventual acceptance of my diminished mental capacity, the society's main concern was to find dishonesty despite the evidence to the contrary.



Was this a example of institutional policy or a function of the individuals enforcing or applying the overall mandate of the society in accordance with their personal agendas or subject to their perception of the society's overall mandate. To tell the truth I cannot answer the question and can only suggest that it is or can be a factor that may have affected my dealings with the society and could effect the interests of someone reading this story while experiencing the same problems.

Now dear reader as previously indicated, at the time I had to deal with the society I was psychologically, emotionally and financially bankrupt, a position that anyone fighting the allegations of the society will almost undoubtedly or inevitably end up in if they did not start there. Despite this if I can give any advice I would state that it is imperative that you get counsel, you cannot handle this matter on your own. I say this with full knowledge and experience with the potential practical difficulties in terms of finances and maybe even finding someone to represent you. You must remember even though I had avoided actual suicide, there are many ways to hurt yourself and with depression and even in recovery from depression it is amazing how quickly you and your companions shame and fear can find them.

I was lucky insofar as there were a few of my previous colleagues that were ready to assist me. They could only do so much for free though, as those of you that are or were in partnerships or associates thereof are aware, billable hours are billable hours and in dealing with this type of matter there are more than enough hours to be noticed by the office manager. I should also point out that while I had a few colleagues willing to assist, I believe, again in hindsight that it takes a very particular type of lawyer and quite frankly person to represent you in this type of matter. He or she must be courageous, not wear a cape, pluck babies from burning buildings courageous, but rather have the personal strength of character to deal with the society without the usual personal paranoia that lawyers have about anyone at the society knowing who they are, they must have a personal believe in you and of who you are and finally they must at least understand and know why you will be little or no help to their efforts. This type of counsel obviously does not grow on trees however the strange thing is we probably all know one or have at least met one during our practice. He or she doesn't have to be the best advocate in the world, although it helps, they are simple individuals of quiet character that are willing to look at you and your case with an open mind and a willingness to commit to you not just the file.

I suggested that the characteristics of the counsel above are important because I believe that in dealing with the society counsel cannot be intimidated by the institutional might or mandate of the society, he or she must to some extent by sheer force of will and commitment, endeavour to make the society understand that your conduct did not result from malicious intent or lack of character but rather from an uncontrollable loss of focus and understanding. Further when you grow tired or professionally suicidal and suggest that you will accept anything the society wants to do to you because you deserve it, they must be able to listen patiently and in an understanding manner tell you to shut up and do what you are told. This last characteristic is important because in the case of depression, shame and fear are always present along with the desire for all the trouble to be over and submission to the winds of fate are always the easy way.

I was lucky in terms of counsel in that all the counsel that stood by me to one extent or another had many of these characteristics but one in particular came forward that stood out and while I definitely took some hits, which were unavoidable given my conduct throughout the depression and the loss of control of my practice, he did, I believe through force of his character and understanding of my problems save me from an institutional steamrolling resulting from a failure to understand that depression is not an excuse but an affliction.

In the end I was suspended for one year, had to continue treatment until told I could stop by the doctor and I had to repay monies improperly billed or accounted for. I would at this point with a full understanding of the necessity of society's disciplinary action but also with an understanding of some of the factors leading to same paraphrase the findings of a B.C. Justice in respect to this type of proceeding when he stated that the mandate of a society is to discipline, not punish and destroy. I would hope that this judicial acknowledgment may give some comfort to anyone involved in this type of proceeding while at the same time give pause to anyone involved in prosecuting this type of action. It must be remembered that despite new age enlightenment, spiritual priorities and general psycho babble, when someone spends their life becoming a lawyer, its not simply who they are or their job, its what they are and to destroy it is to risk destroying them and as such every consideration must be given before such a drastic step should be taken. I would suggest that indirectly the society is dealing with the very life of its member and as such the factors considered should be reviewed without the interference of public perception or personal agenda.

I was and maybe am unsure about including the last line of the last paragraph but despite this misgiving I am going to leave it. Not because it is especially insightful or unique to lawyers but simply because it is true. It is one thing that may not be helpful but in terms of my own life cannot be changed. It is how I perceive myself, a once lawyer, a going to be a lawyer again, or a disgraced lawyer, it is all the same with various emotional and personal consequences, a fact that I cannot or will not escape. I can only suggest or rather hope that those reading this understand that you can change what you do, you cannot change what you are and as such you must fight and seek whatever help you can to preserve that one thing that may form the foundation of your life and once preserved work hard to make it and yourself better.

During the above battle which took only paragraphs here to describe yet years to experience, I had to also deal with the drug possession charge that occurred as a result of my foiled suicide attempt. While this of course was a serious event for which I not only had to return to B.C to resolve but also to one of the very courtrooms that I appeared in hundreds if not thousands of times defending other charged with the same if not worse offences, it was, in hindsight an event that proved to me that God must have a dark and dry sense of humour.

As indicated at the time I was arrested for possession of a trace amount of cocaine, I was fairly confident, even in my befuddled state of mind that the charge was, from a legal perspective weak if not unsupportable. However, after considering both the risk management aspects of the matter and the fact that I was just in the process of removing my head from my butt, I decided to cut the deal and get out of it as best I could. Arrangements were made and a plea with a joint submission for a conditional discharge was agreed upon, however the Crown required, that I attend to enter the plea. I have always felt that this was a bit of a vindictive demand as my attendance was unnecessary and all it achieved was further humiliation, however a deal is a deal, and how much worse could it be.

I flew to B.C to face the music once again and while enroute decided that I was going to hold my head up and be if not defiant, unbowed in the face of my humiliation. The morning of my court appearance I awoke at Bob's home with no feeling in the entire right side of my face. After a fantic call to my doctor I was advised that the new medication he had put me on had resulted in an incident of Bell's Palsy. For those of you that don't know this affliction can have many symptoms but in my case was the removal of nerve and muscle action to the right side of my face, kind of like having the dentist freeze one side of your head.

So there I was sitting in court as a defendant with the body of the court filled with counsel and past clients, after all I did alot of criminal work in the past, ready to face the judge from the other side of the counsel table, not head up and unbowed but rather sitting there with the sensation that the entire right side of my face was sliding into my lap. At the time not fun, in hindsight even I have to laugh and to this day I believe it is proof that God has a dry sense of humour and was clearly demonstrating to me again that pride comes before a fall, literally.

The Prodigal Son

So here I was, semi-sedated in a hospital bed, rather a humble end to such a great plan but somehow inevitable given the events to date. The problem with being treated for depression is that you very quickly see what an idiot you were, and while they tell you it wasn't really your fault, its small comfort to either you or those you may have hurt.

To say the least I was amazed to see my father as I awoke, and even more surprised when rather than being his usual self, he was supportive and understanding. I know I have dumped on him to a certain extent in these missives but at this time it was really good to have him there.


After some discussions with the doctor, he took me home and made arrangements to go back to Ontario at least for a recovery period. Unfortunately to do this I had to tell Allison and say goodbye to my kids, both things were not appealing but as my father was present Allison was all understanding, sweetness and light, it was not sincere but at least it made things easier. I made arrangements for the dog and my house to be looked after and left for Ontario.


To save time later I will tell you now that when I returned a month later, my dog had been given away, all my jewelery was gone, as were part of my photo albums, and some of my furniture. No need to say that Allison had gone shopping in my house while I was away and I never got anything back except some of my photos.


Anyway, in blissful ignorance of the above I was back home and about to enter the maelstrom.

When I arrived at my parents home my sisters and mother were there, and initially were very comforting and supportive but literally a few hours later, the trap was sprung and the attack began. The word attack may be too strong, it was kind of like a post mortem intervention, and while later I resented the fact that they were in essence kicking a dead horse, at the time I just took it, after all I couldn't argue they were right. I had hurt everyone, let everyone down and generally screwed up and they didn't even know all the facts. After the initial onslaught and upon their realization that not only was I not going to argue but couldn't, they gave me a list of things I had to do and doctors I had to see and let me go to bed.


Now dear reader I am going to tell you something that I did not believe at the time. Out of the blue, my mother got a call from Karen, she for some reason had been thinking about me and decided to get in touch and called my parents for the number. You must realize that I had not spoken to her in at least ten years and now in my darkest days she simply calls, it was amazing. I was later to learn that my mother let her in on what had happened and after I spoke to her on the phone for a few minutes she announced that she was coming to visit. In outlining these events I am still amazed at how the circle turns and how that very old connection was always so strong.


Karen arrived and stayed for a few days and it was wonderful, I could actually relax and forget about the pain for awhile. We talked and I filled her in on the events of my life that had led me to this point and she filled me in on her life as well. She and her husband had separated about a year before and although they were still good friends they acknowledged that at this point in their lives they wanted different things, he wanted to settle down and she was still searching for her own personal answers, which at that time was eastern philosophy and yoga.


We discussed our relationship and just how blatantly strange it was, we even discussed actually getting together which with little discussion was acknowledged by both of us as unlikely, we were too different, she too adventurous, me too conservative and frankly at that point, damaged.

We spent our time together and as usual her presence did wonders for me until she had to leave until the circle brought her back again.

I spent most of my month in Ontario going to doctors, trying to organize my life or at the very least trying to figure out what my next step was going to be. I could go back out west and stay alone, clearly not a good idea, or I could return to Ontario and try to start again while fighting the law society battle long distance and dealing with the separation from my children. After alot of thought and tears I decided the only reasonable thing I could do was to move back to Ontario and try to put the pieces back together however this would involve a great deal of organization and even more pain.

A the end of my month it was decided that my mother and I would go back to British Columbia to get things organized for the move. We arrived and after I discovered everything that was missing and got the little I could back we went to work preparing for the move. Put the house up for sale, packed up furniture and possessions to transport back and hardest of all, spent time with the kids trying to explain what was happening and why they had to stay with their mother. I should say at this point that as McKenzie got older she and her mother did not get along, it was generally a running battle, mostly because Allison took her anger at me out on this little girl so leaving her in this situation was not easy and to have to listen to her beg to come with me was even harder, but at that point it was the only thing I could do if not the best. I did at least still have the presence of a legal mind to amend the separation agreement to ensure my joint custody and access in Ontario and as such was able to promise the kids that I would see them soon.


After we got everything organized the day came for my mother to fly back to Ontario and I was going to drive back in a truck with my friend Bob with all my stuff. I want to take this opportunity to talk about Bob, he was the only thing I got besides my kids out of my marriage to Allison. You see he was the husband of one of her friends and as she is not much on long term friendships without benefit, they kind of stayed with me after the separation. Bob and Nicole were then as they are now my best friends. Bob is not only the kind of guy that would give you the shirt off his back or drop everything in his own life to help a friend, he actually did it. With little or no notice and without being asked he dropped everything and volunteered to drive across the country with me. It was a week long trip and again the presence of this friend that I had failed to initially share my problems with during this week did wonders to help me face the unknown and the separation from my kids.


So now it has been approximately two months since I awoke in the hospital and I was back in Ontario, with no plan, no money, no clue and alot of rules from sisters and parents. As an aside I should tell you that all during this period my family had been there, organizing, paying and planning, however something had changed, it didn't seem like much at the time but it has never changed to date. During my life when leaving or coming home from a trip, or at Christmas or other appropriate occasion my father would give me a hug, he gave me one in the hospital the day he arrived, however, on this return home with Bob, when we came through the door, he gave Bob a hug and thanked him and then walked right past me. I know it sounds whiny but to date, and it has been years he has never given me another hug and frankly has only shook my hand on a rare occasion.



Bob stayed for a week and then flew home with my undying friendship which lasts to this day. After he was gone the real work started and the pain that got me here just got worse and while I was with my family I discovered I was still alone until something unbelievable happened as the circle turned again. One night during my second week home, and I should point out that my parents now lived full time at the cottage which had been expanded, there was a knock on the door which I answered, and there stood Chrystal, a little older but as beautiful as she was the day I first saw her. To say the least I was completely stunned, but eventually asked her in at which time she said she only had a minute and just wanted to say a few things to me and leave. We went downstairs, she sat me down and after a few minutes of trying to get her nerve up, she told me that she had heard what had happened, you may recall I mentioned that there are downfalls to living in a small town when you have a big family, and that she wanted to tell me that she loved me, had always loved me and that when I was ready she wanted to be with me. She then kissed me and left. To say I was shocked is an understatement of almost biblical proportions, I was literally dumbfounded and sat for the rest of the night thinking of the implications of what she had said. Needless to say I wasn't ready for that now, to put it mildly I had more baggage that a southbound freight and was as twisted as a New York pretzel, but it did give me something that I did not have at the time, hope.



I continued going to the doctor as I should have done years before and taking the pills with all that entailed. The problem with actually going to the doctor is not only do you have to rehash the dumb things you have done and find out why, you learn about things you probably knew about and didn't want to acknowledge, specifically, the relationship with my father. Through this entire disaster he had been there for me, at the very least financially but on the day that he came into see my doctor I learned something I didn't really want to know. After the session in which my father met with the doctor alone, the doctor then wanted to see me which given that I was not scheduled seemed rather ominous.



The doctor sat me down and after a pause asked me if my father had helped during this crisis and I advised him yes a great deal and especially financially, he then told me that was all I could expect in that my father had not only said but argued forcefully that despite everything I had gone through, including the hospital, there was no such thing as depression, that it was baloney and an excuse for the weak. He had stated that I was an embarrassment however despite this he could not be seen publicly or within the family to abandon me and because of this he had helped me and would continue to help me as much as he could. Talk about the good, bad and the ugly, not really something anyone wants to hear. The doctor then told me that emotionally speaking whether I went back west or stayed here as far as my family was concerned it would make no difference.



Dear reader I included this portion of my experience in the hope that anyone that has gone through this type of depression or is going through it can realize that there will be people, even those that you love that will not understand or will not want to understand, they may help or they may not, what you have to remember is that the future may change them or if not there will undoubtedly be someone to come along and fill that space in your life, you just have to look, whether it be a relationship or a support group, someone is out there. For me it turned out to be Chrystal.


We had been periodically meeting, having lunch, sometimes dinner and as the fog in my head cleared it became apparent that the love I had known was still there and for once I was able to see it and with luck I wouldn't screw it up.


About this point it also became apparent that living at my parents home was not going to last long, my rescue was essentially complete and while no one said it, it looked like they all had decided they didn't have to be nice to me anymore so things were getting a little tense. It turned out my cousin had a house for rent, he gave me a good deal so I moved in, a couple months later Chrystal moved in with me and we started again.


This is not to say that everything was now hunky dory, far from it, I still had no job, no money no apparent future and I can tell you it was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life when in order to apply for assistance I had to tell the worker that my last job was as a lawyer but the few hundred dollars he could qualify me for was necessary for me to live. However, every step up is a little closer to getting out of the hole I dug for myself. What I am trying to say is that the road back or out was as humiliating as the fall down but I had to keep going no matter how bad the pain or embarrassing the situation.


For once I was lucky because through all of this Chrystal was with me, she as much as anyone saved my life and helped me get through these struggles and the ones to come.

I wish I could say that we had reached the happy ending, but as implied above this was just the beginning, a good beginning, a hopeful beginning, but there were still issues to deal with and a future to get organized. This is not to say things were not alot better, they definitely were, with Chrystal by my side I felt safe for the first time in years. So I got down to it.

I managed to get a job as a consultant with a local company, using some of those university courses on the sociology of work and business that I thought I would never use. Chrystal got a job at the same company and things started to pick up, at least I had an income and we could afford to eat. Next I kept dealing with the law society and with the help of some past colleagues and thousands of dollars things slowly started to turn my way, I wasn't going to come out unscathed but I eventually would come out of it and take consequences for only the things that I was responsible for and not the groundless allegations of those trying to take advantage.

However there was still my children and that was the part that hurt the most. The access for the first Christmas, other than the initial wrangling that I anticipated with Allison, twas not really a problem and there were no real serious problems getting the kids to Ontario. In hindsight having them with me again while a great joy was very hard to take because I knew I had to send them back. After Christmas the real problems began, not for any good reason but just because now without the thousands in support I had been paying, she could not afford her lifestyle I think she decided to take that out on me the only way she could, so the battle began.

It started initially with a phone call from McKenzie, crying on the phone with her mother and grandmother heard in the background telling her what to say loudly enough that I could hear. I didn't say they were smart. Anyway as McKenzie repeated their words as ordered she said that she loved me but didn't want to come and visit me anymore. I simply told her not to worry she would see me again and I would look after things at which point she said thank you Daddy and that she loved me.

Now dear reader I will let you in on something most people don't realize when dealing with custody and access matters, it costs as much in time, money, effort and pain to start an action for custody as it does to enforce access and not only are the procedures basically the same but if you do not win the custody application you will undoubtedly be awarded the access you also wanted. I would also suggest at this time that if you are the husband or wife with the day to day care of your child and have to give reasonable access, don't play games with it unless the best interests of your children are truly the issue. You see, I left my kids, I didn't want too and it hurt terribly and constantly, but given the circumstances I believed I had no choice, couldn't fight the fight at the time and that because of all of this that it was in the best interests of my children. I had come to accept this unpleasant situation, all Allison had to do was leave things alone and not interfere with the access, however, whether she couldn't resist or whether I had become the source of all disappointment in her narcissistic mind, she just had to try to deny me access to my children. As a result of this I started my action for custody, with, much to my great joy, Chrystal's blessing and support.

I will not go through the endless battling and maneuvering in this action but suffice it to say it involved the following, she denied access and moved the children to the US without notice, she was ordered back to Canada by the court and told not to take them back, which she did on the same day of the court hearing, she was ordered back again and misled the court by telling it that the kids were now in school and their US immigration status had been confirmed due to her marriage to an American citizen, she then got an order that she could take them back to the US on the condition that I would have access that Christmas.

I did have the access at Christmas which we all enjoyed and after New Years, Chrystal and I took the kids back to the airport, filled out the customs papers and put them on the plane, we waited until the flight left and drove the hours home. Upon arriving home the phone rang and it was the airport telling us that the plane had been stopped and the children removed from the flight, so we drove back to the airport and picked up the kids. Now I had filled out the customs papers in accordance with the information that Allison had provided to me and the court however as we were in the process of discovering, this information was not true and in fact the kids had no immigration status in the US, thus I now had at least temporary custody of the kids and life was really looking up.

We got the kids enrolled in school, got McKenzie counselling for the emotional problems she was having after dealing with her mother, and Connor some counselling and treatment for some behavioural problems and learning disabilities. Things settled in life was good but the battle continued and while McKenzie was as happy as she had ever been, Connor missed his mother which for a small boy was not unusual although painful. We finally travelled to British Columbia for the final trial, however with the mediation of the child counselors it was agreed that McKenzie woud live with us and Connor would stay with his mother. I should point out that this decision was based on Connor's psychological attachment to his mother and his best interests resulting from that, not his actual biological connection or lack thereof to me, as stated earlier to this day he is not aware that he is not biologically mine. This decison was hard to make and in the long run maybe not have been the best one in terms of Connor, but we saw him numerous times during the year and to date speak to him weekly on the phone.

McKenzie, blossomed in eveyway except in her relationship with her mother, I basically had to force her to visit her mother and when she spoke to her on the phone the conversations were short and stunted. McKenzie never really disclosed much of what happened in her life with her mother while I was gone to me she did tell Chrystal alot in confidences that Chrystal has never betrayed, except to tell me that it was not pleasant time for my daughter. In any event she settled in and eventually began calling Chrystal, Mom and when she reached the age that she could refuse to visit her mother she did. Now I tried to disuade her from this course of action but it was not helped by the fact that her mother quit talking to her and refuses to talk to her to date no matter how I try to broker some kind of peace between the two.

While all of this was going on I had resolved the law society matter and Chrystal and I finally reached the point where we could buy a house of our own. Life was hard, money was tight but things were good , I was making a comeback, slowly and with lots of help and more specifically with my second chance at love and life with Chrystal.