Cast Your Bread Upon The Waters...

I just returned from mailing out the first group of letters requesting letters of recommendation from various counsel and judges in my area. I had obtained a few others in the past for the preliminary stages of the investigation but this is essentially my first mass mailing. It will be interesting to see the responses, whether my conduct over the past years has garnered the respect I hope and believe it has or not, and if it has, whether that respect is sufficient to allow them to feel comfortable enough to write a letter to the society. The fear in me says no, but as previously discussed you know how the fear lies and I will wait and see. In the mean time I will prepare more letters, casting my bread upon the waters so to speak, or once more into the breach dear friend, both are appropriate but I am hoping the first bears more fruit.

Its been about a week since my last posting and I received my first response to my letters requesting a letter of recommendation. It was from a Deputy Judge that I have appeared in front of on and off for the past 10 years. He is not a local lawyer, Deputy Judge, he is from out of town, I sent him the letter more on a whim than as a result of any plan as I really know little or nothing about him and have had no social contact with him other than to say hello in various courthouses. I guess I thought that if he responded I would get a standard, he is not a bad guy letter, something to pad the file for the society with a little credibility given his position.

Well dear reader when I received the letter, I cried, and to tell the truth I am crying as I write this post. This lawyer, Deputy Judge wrote a letter that touched me deeply, it was a letter that clearly showed that he not only recognized my abilities in court but noted how I approached the profession, my approach to the people I deal with in the court, the court staff, the opposition and the members of the public that are forced to utilize the judicial system. He, more boldly than I thought anyone would, given my past comments as to the fear of counsel to enter into this process, spoke to his impressions of my character and integrity in such glowing terms that I almost doubted it was about me.

I showed my wife this letter and all she said was that finally I might be able to see myself as others see me, not through the haze of self doubt and constant need to keep proving myself to people but as a person worthy of the high opinion people have of me. As usual my friends she was right, further she has illustrated yet another scar of depression or the remaining fallout of the bomb that went off in my own life and affected so many others around me, being the need to constantly make amends, to prove that it was the depression that detonated that bomb and not me whether they blame me or not.

So after my first letter I have learned something that maybe I really needed to know going into this process, I am not as bad a person a I think I am and I may deserve to be happy despite myself.

Well dear reader it has been about a month since my last post, it has been a very busy month both in terms of work and in terms of my dealing with the Law Society hearing. The pre hearing meeting has been set for October and I have been receiving various letters from Judges and Lawyers recommending me and my character which has been very encouraging. There are still more to go and I have yet to review the Proposed Statement of Facts from the Society which will outline the issues they have with me.

Its funny though as I have indicated in past posts and in the previous parts of this post, despite the encouragement and good recommendations, the fear is still there, haunting me almost daily about these proceedings. Now I should say it is a bit different now. Instead of the being paralyzed or obsessing on the fear it is like I am standing apart doing what I have to do but noticing the fear as a side effect of those actions. Its more a function of observation than dwelling on it, I feel the fear but when I do its like I can now say, oh, that's interesting, I wonder why that is bothering me, and I move on. I can only hope that this is a function of moving past the depression, as I have said the fear will probably always be there, maybe now that I have recognized it for the misleading emotion that it is, it will show its face a little less often.

On Your Mark, Get Set, ......

Dear reader I entitled this post On Your Mark, Get Set... for me more than for you or to even be a little clever. Rather as a goad or whip for myself, I know what I have to do, I just have to do it. It can be get set go, or it can be get set run around in ever decreasing circles. This is a reminder to myself not only to get moving but to be effective.

It is hard to prove you are of good character, where do you start, so I will continue when I have something to write about. I know I am of good character the problem is how do you prove it on the balance of probabilities, think about it, who do you know that can definitively say you are a good person other than those that that love you and as such have little weight in such a hearing.

Well here we go, after some discussions with various colleagues and one paralegal that has gone through the process I am about to start. First letters to as many counsel, judges and agents as I can in the hopes of obtaining their recommendations as to my competence, demeanour in court, and hopefully good character, then letters to as many past and present clients as I can again hopefully to get recommendations as to my handling of their matter, my client management and my character, then some personal letters from friends and family that while they will not hold allot of weight may give the panel a rounded view of my present life. I will then have to see if I can get anyone to attend at any eventual hearing, which may be tough not only due to the fact that these people are very busy but also due to the fact that I have yet to meet anyone that wants become directly involved in this type of hearing no matter how strongly they feel about the subject. I firmly believe that is why most complaints to the society do come from the public and not counsel, they just do not want to get involved with the process. Anyway that is the plan for this week, preliminary I know, but a start, as they say a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.

It is Sunday and I am continuing on my journey by preparing the many requests for recommendations. Yesterday Chrystal and I had a long discussion about the upcoming hearing, she was a little ticked off that we yet again had to go through this type of process, that I again had to prove myself and that our family once more had to deal with the stresses of the ghosts from the past. While I must admit that despite my understanding of the reasons why, emotionally I have the same questions and wonder when this is going to be over, when I can take a step forward or even make a mistake without the events in the west colouring the perceptions of those around me. As I said earlier in this blog I guess the answer is never. This may seem unfair but reality is not always fair, it just is and I would suggest that anyone that finds themselves in the same position as I should understand this and not let it defeat you.

I was asked by the society investigator how I felt about what happened in the west, was I remorseful. I told him yes, that I think about all the time, that almost a week doesn't go by that I do not think about the pain I caused my clients and those around me because not only do I feel badly about it generally but I am never allowed to forget it. If it is not something like this investigation, or a comment from opposing counsel or someone I am acting against, it is found in the fact that because of all of the past problems I have to try to be that much better at my job, that much more transparent in my actions and not only honest but be able to prove my honesty to those that would question it. The frustration arises in the fact that whether I am successful or not in doing the above it means nothing when the single mention of the problems brings everything back and I must start again. The important thing dear reader is that I do start again that I continue on not only for myself which is important but to try and show that the past problems arising from the depression did not beat me and will not no matter how many times I have to start again. The importance of and I believe dignity in this constant movement forward can I think be best illustrated by a colleague that I speak to on occasion who was disbarred almost 30 years ago. He is a paralegal now and we have dealt with each other in the courts for years. He is a good man and works very hard for his clients and has rebuilt his life despite trials and punishments much worse than those suffered by me. He has served the public and has become such a respected member of the community that he was asked to run for a municipal counsel position. After alot of consideration but with a desire to serve he put his name forward as a candidate. Immediately after doing so the local paper ran an article disclosing his 30 year old disbarment, of course his election bid ended before it began. In this article there was no mention of his accomplishments over the past thirty years, his service to the profession, his redemption or rehabilitation, just the suggestion that he was dishonest without discussion or I think even any knowledge of the facts that led him to his mistakes. This event of course hurt and disappointed him but he accepted it as a logical if unfortunate consequence of his past actions and kept on moving forward in his life.

In discussing this event with him I told him that I understood his feelings of frustration at this type of thing, he said, as I was disbarred he could see how I would know what he was talking about and his feelings. I had to smile and I told him that I was not in fact disbarred which surprised him because from what he had heard it was considered to be general knowledge amongst the local bar and bench, this is after 10 years of my appearing before the court and not ever hiding my past. After I told him what had really happened we both just smiled at our mutual understanding and common experience, both agreeing that no matter how much time passes things will not change and the scars cannot be removed, you just have to move on tyring no matter how vainly to tip the scales of reputation to at least balance out the weight of past transgressions.

In reviewing the above paragraphs I do not want to suggest to any reader that this apparent endless struggle to push the boulder up the mountain is not worth it. In thinking about the plight of Sisyphus I think I can now say with some authority that the virtue is not in the getting the boulder to the top of the mountain but in the willingness to keep pushing. Dear reader if you are going through a depression or tyring to recover from it or have recovered from it and facing similar frustrations to those of my colleague and I, the greatest success you can have is the knowledge that you can and will keep going no matter what, not for the sake of public redemption but to reach a point that you can forgive yourself and see yourself as the person you wish others would see.

Again the journey is not for public redemption but for personal redemption, you must realize that if you were canonized as a saint the papers would say, disgraced lawyer becomes saint, the thing to remember is that all saints didn't start out that way and martyrdom is not a job requirement.

The Time Has Come The Walrus Said.......

The time has come the Walrus said to speak of many things, of ships and shoes and sealing wax and of cabbages and kings......Always for some unknown reason my favorite quotation, I guess it has become relevant now as I have to establish whether I am a cabbage or a king.

After looking at the above quotation I thought of a couple of others I had seen recently on the Lawyers with Depression website, a site I discovered while writing the early stages of my blog and located at http://lawyerswithdepression.wordpress.com
This a great site and has provided me with many insights I did not have before and I am sure would help anyone that may be suffering from or recovering from depression. In addition there were two quotations that really struck a chord with me

Of all the liars in the world, sometimes the worst are your own fears.

-Rudyard Kipling

and

Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point.

-C.S. Lewis


I will not write about these now as given the present circumstances they really have gotten me thinking.

Although I was in court this morning dealing with the dramas of the Small Claims Court, a honeymoon gone wrong, and truck towing charges. The first a bit of fun as my client's went on their honeymoon, arrived at the airport and found no tickets despite pre paying and booking their flight 6 months before. After using the balance of their holiday money to purchase new tickets to get to the Caribbean they took off to enjoy the beginning of their marriage. I can only imagine the discussion my client's new wife had with him on the plane as it was he who had made the travel arrangements. Then they arrived on the island, hopefully after marital bliss had been re-established, and left the gate only to find that the all inclusive resort he had booked was closed for renovations. They were sent to another resort, admittedly just as good but hours away from where they wanted to be to enjoy their honeymoon. As compensation they were offered a room free if they returned to the islands at their own expense.

This can only be described as a Judge Judy case, I think even the Judge was enjoying himself at the conference discussing the matter with the counsel for the travel agent and the resort as his first questions to counsel were, are you married, did you go on a honeymoon and what would have been your wife's reaction to all this. His next question was how much are you going to kick in to settle this matter. After some hesitation and a reminder from me somewhat facetiously that if this matter was in the US the claim would be for 10 million not 10 thousand, we came to a settlement in excess of the cost of the overall trip and my newlyweds left happy, their confidence in the justice system renewed and hopefully a husband off the hook or at least with a comeback line in years to come when his wife undoubtedly recalls his somewhat dubious ability to book a holiday.

I outlined the above because sometimes I feel that the limits of a paralegal's practice are not worth it and just the drudgery of Sesame Street law, however it is matters like this, whether humorous or not, that again bring to my attention that even little matters that may not mean life or death to the parties involved are still important and worth the fight.

A new day and paperwork lies ahead, its pouring rain so it at least it takes the sting out of sitting in my dungeon shuffling paper. I have been thinking of the two quotations mentioned earlier, they are of course both true and of course relate directly to getting through a depression. The problem I think when considering them is the application. The first about fear, well it is very accurate, fear basically tells you that you are going to fail before you start so why bother, it not only tells you that you are going to fail but more importantly that there is no way you can win. This of course robs you of hope and as I mentioned earlier,it is this loss of hope that is the greatest factor in depression. You lose hope in little things, then the big things, then in everything and that is when the despair begins. So this quote is true obviously but can it help by knowing it, I think so, if it is one of those factors you consider in everything, in other words in terms of my own application of the intent of the thought, every time I feel the fear I must say its a lie, a challenge untried is a potential victory lost because to stop is to be paralyzed and nothing changes or gets achieved. To quote the movie Dune "fear is the mind killer", not such an auspicious author but you sci fi fans get the point.

If dear reader you have trudged through these missives from the beginning you may understand how this point applies to me, the missed opportunities in life and relationships due to my fear of compromising my original plan and the missed opportunity to avoid the depression itself because I was afraid to admit my problems and seek help. Thus in considering the quotation it is not only very true it is in many ways a guide or instruction that can help get you through your recovery, get you through the depression and as my case and present circumstances, help you move on. So if you are afraid to ask for help, do it, if you are afraid to ask a question or put yourself on the line, do it and if you are afraid to face a problem and take action, as I am at present, rack em up and go for it, you may lose, but you would do that if you don't try so technically you cannot be any worse off that you would be if you didn't even try.

As to the second quote, its also true, but I must admit a bit self serving, not that it should be, just that practically speaking it will be, not through any fault of yours or any flaw in the inherent truth of the statement but in the fact that given the general lack of understanding and acceptance of depression, very few people if any will understand what it takes to face this unseen killer. I would like to tell you that if you do everything right in dealing with depression that when you come out of it or start to come out of it people will see the strength of character and force of will it took to survive and live, that they will acknowledge your achievement for the survival alone. Unfortunately unlike the person that learns to walk again after being injured or the person that battles back from cancer the scars that depression leaves are not battle scars of a victory won, or the scars that tell the story of your battle, rather they are found in the destruction of your life and the pain you have caused others. So dear reader the perception of those around you and those that judge you is not of the battle you have won but the destruction you have caused, not the courage you have shown but the lack of character you exhibited. Sounds pretty bleak huh, but its not, the more I thought about it I realized that in addition to the few people that will understand, mostly those that have gone through it themselves or something similar, you and in my case I know the courage and plodding determiation it took to survive.

Now in my circumstances with the up coming hearing on my character, I cannot stand up and say I have good character because I am here, I survived, realized the pain I caused and have taken steps to redeem myself and make amends. I think dear reader we know that would go over like a lead balloon, however, I can know it, I can accept in myself that I can face any challenge and survive, I have the depth of spirit and character that allowed me, in real terms face death even at my own hand and come back. I have faced those that would judge me, damn me, hate me or ridicule me, listened, accepted and moved on and tried to make a good life for myself and those around me. Thus the strength in this quote or thought is not found in the hope that others will know or understand the virtue or strength of character in your survival but that you know it, accept it, and believe it. I think that if I can accept that in myself and really believe it then facing those that don't understand, or believe or in fact believe the opposite, will be made easier. So dear reader the strength given by the quote is not in its acceptance by those around us but in our ability to accept it in ourselves.

A bit philosophical for a rainy day, but here endeth the lesson, I hope I learned something.

Scarlet Letter

Well dear reader at the end of my last post I thought that perhaps the drama was over, but then again perhaps I forgot the title of this blog and should have known better. First of all some good news, my son in the west and his girlfriend had a baby boy making me a grandfather again. They named him after me, something that given the troubles he has survived in his life because of my trials and tribulations has touched me very deeply. It has also raised some questions in my mind as to whether I should let this blog stand as published because as I indicated he does not know that he is not biologically mine and I would never want to cause him any more pain. However after thinking about it I truly believe it is important that others that have suffered from depression or are suffering from it know that they are not alone and can have a life.

In my previous posts I have spoken about the the fact that the scars of depression do not seem to fade, like a scarlet letter branded on your forehead they persist and there is no doubt that this is a test of your determination and quite frankly your health. After finishing my last post and at the end of last week I received notice that the law society had determined that I must go to hearing to establish my good character as part of the paralegal licencing process. I wish I could say I was shocked and rant on with some kind of righteous indignation, but alas I cannot. I am of course disappointed that the materials I forwarded to the society were not sufficient to assure them of my character but I am not surprised as the scars are too obvious and past errors too great to dismiss.

Immediately after getting this notice I had to leave to take my family camping, and I mean the family, all the kids, all the grand kids and a cousin, struck out for the north woods with enough equipment to climb Everest. I mention this now because it did help me take my mind off of things for a while mainly because I hate camping. Bugs, dirt in your food, uncomfortable sleeping arrangements in a damp tent and the constant refrain of kids telling you they are bored when faced with outdoors. Ahh the things we do as dads.

We arrived back on Sunday, pulled back muscle, filthy clothes and feeling like we had been camping for a month instead of two days, only to find a the society's disclosure package that had been couriered to me. I knew it would be coming and in fact if it hadn't I would have requested it, but boy it was lousy timing and as such the package sits here on my desk, opened but unread until I work up the courage to dive back in to the ocean of my mistakes, alleged mistakes and the questions that will determine whether I am of good character or not.

I said earlier in these postings that with the scars of depression come the insidious duo of fear and shame with the added bonus of self-doubt. Well dear reader over the weeks I have written about the battles I won or lost in the past in the hope that it could help someone else, I will now continue this blog while actually fighting a battle. I only hope I can remember my own advice, learn from past lessons and hopefully establish that I have a good character even when I sometimes cannot see it myself. The point being that the battle I will be describing is not really with the society but with myself.

After thinking about the above for a few hours, I must think of my back because it still hurts, I am trying to quantify both my feelings toward the hearing generally and quite frankly what good character is objectively. I guess my feelings generally are that I am afraid, the old adversary fear is quick to raise its ugly head. I am afraid that I cannot take another for the lack of a better word, inquisition as to my life and past mistakes, afraid that I cannot handle this type of matter on my own but as I cannot afford to retain counsel I must, afraid that despite believing that I am a good person that my mistakes and misjudgments will bring the opposite conclusion when viewed objectively, afraid that this trial will be the one that is too much. Its easy to talk about past battles won or lost but survived, its hard to look down the road to a new one.

I was once told by a colleague that helped me in the past that if I survived this and moved on with my life no one could question my character again. Well I guess he was wrong but then again being a member of the bar does not make you infallible, it only lets you think you are, come to think of it he was the same friend that told me that just because you are paranoid doesn't mean everybody is not out to get you. Well I am starting to ramble but I hope this free flow of thoughts lets you see that even after all of these years not only do the scars of depression have their effect, the fear, shame and self doubt that contributed to depression are also never far away. The trick is to acknowledge it, face it, and ask for help which I am going to do, I am just not sure who at this point as I am at the early stage of the battle, all I know from my last encounter is that I cannot and will not do it alone.

This is not to say dear reader that I am getting depressed again, just that I am staying vigilant. As I have said, depression sneaks up on you, and by the time you recognize it you are not in the proper frame of mind to deal with it responsibly. Is this being paranoid, probably, but once bitten twice shy. As part of the recovery from depression you are warned to be watchful for the early signs, insomnia, procrastination, and the feeling of being alone, of wanting to be alone and the despair of being alone. I have been acting as a paralegal now for almost 10 years, I have won most of my cases, and obtain my business by word of mouth and referrals from counsel. In that time I have had 3 complaints, all in my view frivolous, but given the licencing process all fair game in addition to my past mistakes in determining good character. I have made mistakes in my life and dealt with them, I have taken the stresses of daily life and then some, my concern dear reader as I have mentioned so many times before in these postings, I can fight for others endlessly, its fighting for myself that has always been the problem, thus vigilance is called for.

Another day, I have reviewed the case law from the society and to some extent determined the criteria or standard that must be established at the character hearing. Sounds confident huh. Confidence is the wrong word because as indicated throughout this blog, despite my confidence in court or when dealing with the interests and rights of my clients, personally and in matters surrounding my own life I have never really been confident, a character flaw, perhaps but something I have always dealt with and even more so after the depression. So I have determined the best manner for me to proceed in respect to the society hearing is to treat it solely as a client file, to consider what advice or manner I would deal with this for someone else and then take my own advice and avoid personalizing the matter at all costs.

The problem with this approach to some extent is that since returning from the west and recovering from the depression my life and the life of my family has been much more insular. In B.C. I was much more outgoing, a member of a service club, very social going out for dinner with friends and even unsuccessfully running for local municipal office all in conjunction with my busy work schedule. Upon reflection and recovery I decided that this type of life while I was devoted to my kids, did not really make them the foundation priority, so upon recovering and starting my family here I strove to change my priorities and make my family the foundation of my life. This is not to say that I do not work too much, in fact I do. My approach to representing my clients has always been to be personally invested in the file. This of course is not a good idea and probably contributed to my depression by adding to the stresses of each file, increasing the expectations of the clients, and to some extent my perceptions of my personal worth. As I said I am aware that because of these negative side effects that this is not a great way to proceed, in fact I have always to some extent admired those counsel and even paralegals that could essentially be professional sociopaths. Now this sounds worse that it is, I simply see it as the ability to separate personal emotion and investment from the file, to do the job, deal with the client and get the job done without making it personal or being emotionally involved. I have tried but I just can't do it, so I must watch and again be vigilant so I don't work too much or lose site of the job in respect to the needs, emotions or expectations of the client. This type of approach also effects the bottom line because I generally end up cutting retainers or doing hours more work on a file that I don't bill for because the client can't afford it or the file begins to become less cost effective. This on top of the fact that I end up taking calls at all hours of the night and weekends does not impress Chrystal but its always been the way I have done the job and while I have tried to change it I can't seem to do it. Nevertheless other than work I spend time with my family and that's about it. This not to say that we do not have friends and simply hide out, on the contrary we do get out but our friends are mainly our family.

In reading this it seems a bit limited and too insular but it is not intentional as it once was when subject to the depression its simply as result of time and I guess money. We have our lives, I cook, Chrystal gardens, I collect eight tracks and Lp's I know its strange, but I firmly believe they will make a comeback, and we generally get on with our lives.

Same Time Different Story

Well dear reader I have outlined some of the events that were occurring during the period after I arrived back in Ontario and discussed some of my feelings about the things I had no choice but to deal with to try to get my life back on the starting blocks. In other words I have had a good if suppressed rant, now its time to outline the personal aspects of what was happening during this period.

At this time Chrystal and I had gotten back together and through all the trials that I outlined in my previous posts she was standing beside me supporting me in both my actions and decisions. While this is a great thing on its own it is even more important than it would appear because she was the bastion against the return of the depression while at the same time giving me a safe haven to return to when the side effects or after affects of the depression started to get to me. We like any couple have our good times and our bad, but we live through these times knowing that we have gone through the very bad times and that we can do almost anything together.

During the various battles for custody and the ongoing, at this time battle with the law society we moved to various apartments slowly building a life together until we reached the point that we could purchase our own home. While this is a milestone for anyone in a relationship it was especially important for me because it was a step back on the road to self-sufficiency and in some way self respect. I know we are not supposed to gauge our value in the world by material possessions but as one that lost everything, it was a definite step. Now this is not to imply that it was a palace, it wasn't, actually a fixer upper but in a nice neighbourhood with a view of the lake and close to the ski hill, it had definite potential. I should point out that it is generally accepted that when it comes to being handy I am a great supervisor. However I was lucky again in that Chrystal is very handy so the fixer upper became her project and I just fetched the tools when told what they looked like. After many years our fixer upper is now a beautiful house that I can now honestly say is a palace and more importantly our home.

You may recall that I mentioned earlier that after Chrystal and I first separated in our late teens she had gotten married and had a son. After returning to Ontario I have gotten to know this young man, that once could have been mine and he is a great person, a good friend and the now father of two of my grandchildren. However it had always been Chrystal's regret that she had never had another child as she had tried for twenty years but was told by the doctors that she would never conceive again.

So we settled into our new house, we had custody of my daughter McKenzie and we all started to look at the future with some hope and expectations. This is not to say everything was perfect, I was still dealing with the society and its associated costs as well as paying off the bills related to the custody fight, but we were managing and most important we were a family. Then to our surprise near the end of our first year in our new home we discovered why its important to get a second medical opinion, Chrystal became pregnant with our son Timothy. Now to say I was surprised is a polite way of saying I was happy, shocked and scared to death. Upon reflection it is probably more proof that God has a dry sense of humour. Nothing like a new baby to keep you focused.

During this period as previously outlined I had gone through the embarrassment of applying for assistance and I must say that I learned over time that it is not just an embarrassment for me, but I believe for anyone that reaches that position. It is difficult to both admit that you have reached a point so low that you need to be supported by the government and to be forced to admit that fact both to yourself and the world. After being on support for awhile with Chrystal helping with her income I got the job as a consultant for a couple of years and when that contract ended I discovered that you could be a paralegal in Ontario and practice in the lower courts and tribunals.

As I had put all my eggs in the legal basket at an early age this seemed to be the only option I had so I began to advertise a paralegal business. This option at first blush would appear to be perfect, do what I was good at, what I loved to do and something that would pay the bills while keeping my legal hand in for the future. Well this was true in many respects but it proved a trial then as it does now to some extent, both due to the professional and personal scars that the depression had left and the very nature of the profession that I had been a part of and was so anxious to be a part of again.

Paralegals in Ontario had fought for almost a decade with the law society for the right to represent the public in the courts and eventually won this right through the courts. Given this fight and the resulting position of the society and lawyers generally there was reluctant acceptance of agents by the bar in general, with open hostility from a few. It should be noted that even with the general acceptance the attitude of most but not all lawyers was a patronizing one, viewing us as the idiot cousins that somehow managed to get permission to sit at the big table. If you add this atmosphere to my lack of confidence, my fear of standing out, and my now total fear of confrontation you may be able to understand my reluctance if not total fear of appearing in court or even dealing with lawyers generally. Shame has a way of popping up when you least need it.

I would like to be able to provide some pearl of wisdom, some universal insight, or psychological breakthrough that allowed me to return to the courts. I would like to tell you that like a butterfly from the cocoon I burst back into the court shining in my brilliance. Unfortunately, I cannot, I did not burst into the courtroom in triumphant return, I slunk back, knees bent, head down, fighting my fear with every step, but the point is I did go back, both because I needed to support my family and because despite the depression and the fear I knew I needed to stand up, maybe not tall but at least I could stand there and acknowledge my own existence. A bit dramatic I know, rather a fancy way of saying I just gutted it out, and all I can suggest to anyone else in the same position in life is that when you are ready you have to make the step, you cannot hide, you cannot let the depression stop you from moving in some way through your life It if nothing else it lets you know that the fear can be beaten.

Now it would be nice to say that after proving myself in the courts, and I believe I did time and time again, that the fear and problems disappeared, but they didn't. It has been many years since my first day in court and while I walked around for many of them with my heard down relying on quiet persuasion with opposing counsel rather than aggressive or at least firm positions I still find on a weekly if not daily basis that I am treated, as are other paralegals with the same patronizing attitude by many lawyers that I experienced in the beginning. In addition to this you would think that my past problems while not advertised by me but never hidden, were still almost universally known, would fade into the background in the face of my obvious success and competence. Unbelievably this is not the case, it is a common misconception amongst even the local lawyers now, years later that I was disbarred not suspended. I have even had counsel while attempting to remove attention from their own errors state that I was disbarred in open court in an attempt to destroy my credibility, prejudice the court and win their case. I have had lawyers refuse to respond to me in respect to my client's interests and have even been told by counsel that do not know me personally that they will not deal with me because of the events years ago in the west, despite the fact that they have no idea what those events were. Remember dear reader I once said that the scars of depression can haunt you for years and they certainly have haunted me. However, to anyone in any profession or job that is facing this type of fallout from their past depression or is afraid to venture forth because of a fear of this type of treatment, you must do it anyway, you must face this fear because to hide is to open the door once more to the factors that may have contributed to your depression in the first place. You may not always win the battles but if you can win one at least you will know that there can be other victories.

Well years have passed and paralegals are a feature of the legal landscape, the society that once fought to refuse paralegals admission to the courts has now successfully fought to have us licenced and to be the administrators of the process. As an aside, while I agree that paralegals must be licenced I always smile at idea that the society is in charge, to me it is kind of like accepting a dinner invitation from Hannibal the Cannibal, you know there is a dinner you just don't know who is on the menu. Anyway, back to the ghosts of my past.

As part of the licencing process in addition the the competency tests, there is a requirement that you be of good character. I am sure you can see where I am going with this. Needless to say I disclosed everything, my past, any complaints valid or frivolous that I may had over the years in the conduct of my business, almost to the point of admitting that I broke my mom's china figure when I was seven. I heard nothing for over a year, I thought that for once I had proven myself, moved on from the past and escaped the ghosts of my depression. This of course was and is not the case and I am presently attempting to establish my good character to a law society once more and can only hope that my post and pre depression life is sufficient to establish same. These are the battles that will not stop but as I said earlier it is important to fight them if for no other reason that to establish that you can fight, and that no matter what the perception of those around you, you are the person you want to be or at least are on the journey there.

So dear reader I have almost brought you up to the present, we have two grandchildren from Chrystal's son, we have one granddaughter from my daughter McKenzie and we have our nine year old son. Life is not always easy for any of us, things get financially tight, and the battles sometimes make me weary, the trick is to remember the one thing that depression always takes from you, the knowledge that there is always hope and that despair and fear can always be beaten with help and understanding.

As a final note and to complete some of the circles started earlier I recently heard from Karen, she is a respected yoga instructor, travelling the world giving seminars and is presently considering becoming a monk. As to Robin, well I have not spoken to her since that afternoon in B.C before my divorce but understand that she married a successful lawyer in the US and has quite a reputation as an equestrian, a dream that she always had. So I guess in the end things turn out the way they should, and while any of the decisions I made in my life big and small could have changed the events that I have discussed here I am glad I am where I am now, I just wish the trip had been a little more comfortable.