The Frog and The Scorpion

There is a story I heard years ago....its about a frog sitting on a river bank when a scorpion asks him to give him a ride across the river. The frog says no because you will simply sting me and I will die. The scorpion says no that he promises he won't and besides if he stings the frog while crossing the river he would drown. The frog thinks about it and sees the logic in the position and agrees to carry the scorpion across the river on his back.

Halfway across the river the scorpion stings the frog and he cries out, why did you do that, now we both are going to die, the scorpion simply says, I am a scorpion, its in my nature, its what I do....

Lately in light of the new proceedings that I have discussed here and other things in my life and especially after a discussion I had with my wife last night, I have been considering why I do what I do. Chrystal asked why I wanted to keep appearing in court, dealing with other peoples problems as my own, dealing with the stress, the fears, the second guessing and the continual battles to prove myself, (this last one is the one that ticks her off the most)

You know dear reader if you have read the now many posts herein you have a pretty good idea as to why I became a lawyer and ended up as a paralegal, however after my talk last night I began to wonder why I still want to do it, is it my nature, simply what I do or is there another reason.

Chrystal and I discussed not so much what I was doing as the whys. What I think it came down to was that I have an inherent need to prove that the confidence once put in me as counsel so many years ago was well founded. In other words I feel the need to prove that I am a good person and I am frustrated that no matter how hard I work, no matter how honest I am, no matter how successful I am, and no matter how long I do this, it can be all undone by a single comment about my past or any other mistake when added to my past. This of course as she quite vehemently pointed out is wrong and of course she is right, however knowing this and feeling it are two different things. I guess like Sisyphus I am still trying to balance that boulder on the top of the mountain, to obtain redemption in the eyes of others instead of looking for it in myself.

I know I have spoken about this in the past, this self acceptance and advised my readers to do it for themselves and this is true, but maybe I should work harder to do it myself. The thing I am scared of in retrospect is that like the scorpion it is now part of my nature, and "what I do"

Another day and I just returned from the Landlord Tenant hearings, of all the proceedings I am involved in this one is the worst, nobody really wins, nobody is ever really satisfied, and the bureaucracy of the proceedings, while probably very necessary is sometimes frustrating. The reason I mention this is because of my comments above, and the thought I have been giving them.

I look at what I love about this business, dealing with people, always a new challenge, helping people that need your assistance to resolve the issues in their lives and my ability to affect their lives for the better, I hope, the vindication in being right or at least being sufficiently persuasive and/or skilled enough to be determined to be right. So to be honest and to strip away all the drama, I love the law, appearing before the courts and helping people and I guess doing something that I know I am good at doing.

However, and maybe like most of us that do this type of work, I cannot stand the business of practice, the insecurity of income and new files, the stresses of worrying about my clients and files. You may remember that I have never really been able to separate myself personally from my clients and my files which to some extent has been the source of alot of my stress over the years. So dear reader while I guess I really can't stand the mechanics of the business of law, I love the practice, bit of a paradox but in addition to that it allows me to some extent find the personal redemption that whether for right or wrong, I believe I need to move on in my life. So I guess in fact it is what I do, but unlike the scorpion I do it because I love it not because I have no choice and as I have discussed in past posts, when suffering and/or recovering from depression, you must make choices, with help and sometimes guidance, but you must make choices if for no other reason than to prevent the choices making you.