The Art of Questions and Ineffectual Hindsight

In my last post I went through the events that got me back to Ontario, if not to a normal state of mind, although hopefully I was getting closer to it, as well as the adjustments and battles that I had during that period. On reading the post there were so many other things going on at that time that I thought it would be important to fill in the blanks while at the same time reflecting on the nature of these events.

As I have said on a couple of occasions, depression is a strange, insidious, and dangerous thing, it destroys your life from the inside, so I do not want to give the impression that a few pills, talks with with the doctor and a new relationship suddenly made everything alright. This is definitely not the case, it takes years of work, counselling and determination to get back to what most people can consider normal. Anybody that is suffering from depression should know as I am sure anyone that has walked the road back to a normal life is aware, it is a hard and difficult journey and its affects can leave visible scars on your life that you will always have to deal with. The thing to remember is that the journey is more than worth it and no matter how great the pain it is better than the alternative.

Before I deal with the specifics and traumas of dealing with the courts from the other side of the counsel table and the law society I think it is important to discuss some of the effects that depression can have on your life and certainly had on mine. I have said that depression is insidious and it definitely is, not only does it sneak up on you it uses everything you are or want to be against you, every dream and every fear has its place in the arsenal, the greatest weapons in my opinion being, fear, pride and shame. These weapons may not all be used at once in your downfall but they will be used and often and always by you, depression's partner in crime. I should say that not only did these things contribute directly to my depression in the first they did not disappear when I finally bottomed out and began to get treatment, they have their place to this day, you may be able to win the battles but to date I honestly can say that I cannot see an end to the war.

Whatever the the event that starts your depression, whether like me, a bad relationship and divorce or financial problems or just the general stresses of life, somehow, someway the above will contribute to your downfall. As a lawyer I was the problem solver, the source of all wisdom to my clients and a pillar of strength in my family and community. Talk about pride before the fall. You see dear reader I could not admit to myself and thereby to others that I was having problems, I had to be strong, I could not be seen to be weak because not only would that endanger my perception of myself in the world but also in my profession, in the community and in my family which I could not and would not allow. I was the rock, while at the same time I was falling apart. So pride started my fall, the twin sisters of shame and fear finished the job.

Fear and shame are paralyzing, they stop you from doing anything, they make you procrastinate, not from laziness but from a fear of making the wrong decision, you do nothing instead of doing something wrong, you stall, instead of acting you react, instead of moving off the tracks you let the train run you down. I would like to say that at this point that I didn't realize that this was happening to me, but the sad fact is you do know that things are going south but instead of dealing with it properly and reasonably and asking for help to resolve the problem in a way that you would advise anyone else to do, you hide it because you cannot have a problem that you cannot solve. So in your addled state you start to pretend, everything is fine and when the odd person or friend notices a difference you lie and say everything is not only fine its great.

I didn't let on to anyone that I was having problems and lived quite happily thinking that I was fooling everyone and when I thought I wasn't as outlined earlier my behaviour got more and more extreme and then I just hung out with the people that either couldn't tell I was faking it or didn't care.

So now that I was home and getting treatment I thought I would be fine and things would get easier. In a way they did because the despair while initially not gone was beginning to fade, however the ever present shame and fear now came to the forefront. I guess the shame is understandable in that I had effectively blown the dream. Everyone tells you, friends, the doctors, anyone that loves you that it wasn't your fault, it was the depression that caused the problems, not me, I was a good person, and you even accept to a point that it might be true. However, as a lawyer that only recently began to believe in depression, kind of like being smacked in the mouth by Bigfoot, I still remembered the times that I used depression to defend or mitigate sentences on everything from theft to attempted murder all the while thinking that it was simply psycho babble and the person I was defending knew exactly what he or she was doing. If you add my own doubts to the fact that almost everyone one else either thinks the way I did or doesn't care how it happened just that you lost everything and are disgraced, shame comes easily and with the shame the fear.

You are afraid to walk down the street in case you see someone that knows or wants to ask questions about what happened, you don't want to face family because you were the shining star that has fallen and whether they think so or not you assume the worst. After a while you begin to see the condemnation in their eyes, in every comment you see the double meaning and the criticism, basically you begin to get very paranoid. I was once told that just because you are paranoid it doesn't mean everyone is not against you. Anyway on a more serious note after thinking about this for awhile and yes talking to the doctors I determined that the only way to deal with both the feelings of shame and the crippling belief that I was the topic of every conversation was to march in and face it head on. I think I compared it to bungee jumping, don't think just jump. I figured that I couldn't stop people from finding out what happened in a small town and if they were talking or judging there was nothing I could do to stop it. So I ignored it, I didn't let it stop my life, the feelings of shame and fear were still there it was just a matter of moving through it.

As you may remember from my previous posts I have never been big on personal confrontation despite my aggressive nature in court. The other effect of the shame and fear was what I can only describe as the total destruction of my self confidence, its easy to push yourself out into the community once you get the determination to do it, its another thing put yourself out there personally, to stand again and say deal with me. That is a battle that was hard fought and while the battles have become fewer and further apart they still occur and must be won.

Once the fog began to clear in my head I had to deal with the wreckage of my life or at least put out the fires after crashing and burning. The first matter on the agenda was attempting to deal with the law society and the various complaints about my practice. Now earlier in these postings I briefly discussed my opinions as to the mandate or purpose of the society in respect to the conduct of counsel, and while those comments were rather firm I do not want you to get the impression that I carry some resentment as to what the society did in my case or in general, on the contrary I both understand the reasons for their actions and the need for their position in respect to the profession. In hindsight what I believe I had and have problems with is both their unrealistic approach to the practical aspects of the profession, and what I perceived, right or wrong as the guilty till proven innocent approach to disciplinary action.

I have read the above a few times and to tell the truth no matter how many times I edit the paragraph it still sounds like sour grapes. Its funny I have sworn to myself to be honest in this blog yet I really have problems setting out my views on the society's handling of my disciplinary matter. It's not like the action was not appropriate, I crashed and burned and screwed up endangering my clients' positions and my life, that I can see. I think my problem arises with the mechanics and the obvious limitations to the process despite their knowledge of the nature of the majority of problems that give rise to disciplinary action.

What I am trying to say here is that by the time I had to deal with the society I was both intellectually, emotionally and financially incapable of doing so. It is easy to personalize the proceedings which of course is not an effective approach or one based on reality given the number of complaints and/or actions that the society would take in a year. However due to my mental state at the time there is no other way that I could or would look at it. I once stated in a speech to a Bar Assistance Program meeting that during this period I had felt like Job being tested by God, then after a while I determined that Job was a bit of a wuss as he only had the devil on his case and I had the law society after me.

So dear reader I hope I have now illustrated if not established that the workings of the society at least in respect to their dealings with me were a function of a social imperative and institutional structure and procedure. However, in defence of my own recollections I would now suggest that as any institution is made up of people it can fall prey to both a general institutional bias and/or the personal agendas and perceptions of its agents and employees. I make this suggestion due to the fact that even at the earliest stages of the investigation and after I had begun making full disclosure of all materials and events that occurred in my practice the position of the investigators and the disciplinary counsel was that I was dishonest and should be disbarred. This opinion was not an implied position but a stated one prior to even the completion of the preliminary investigation. This position was also taken in conjunction with the statement made, again prior to any investigation and the provision of medical reports, that I did not want to be a lawyer and was purposely sabotaging my practice to enable me to cease my practice. It is really this initial illogical, unreasonable and self justifying position taken by the society that has in hindsight given rise to my previous comments as to the "scorched earth" approach of the society generally.

Upon further reflection as to my dealings with the society I would like to state that most bar associations have lawyer assistance programs to assist people just like me that are sliding into depression or are experiencing other psychological, emotional or substance abuse problems. This is not to suggest that even if I was aware of them at the time that I would have taken advantage of their assistance. I would suggest that anyone reading these various missives that may see himself or herself here, make inquiries, as my involvement with this type of organization later demonstrated to me that allot of problems could have been avoided with their help.

Despite the above and as a result of the research I have done over the years I would suggest that despite the fact that the societies fund or partially fund these assistance programs their commitment to the conditions that the programs are designed to assist are initially given little weight. It is this approach that gives rise, not to bitterness on my part but rather concern as it would seem that their position in respect to depression was the same as mine prior to actually experiencing it. They view it as simply an excuse to avoid responsibility for inappropriate conduct. The question then arises whether the funding or partial funding of the assistance programs is a politically correct response to the problems of lawyers or a real policy commitment that is disregarded or minimized in application. In my case, despite full cooperation, submission of several drafts of agreed statements of fact, numerous medical and psychiatric reports, the independant corroboration of accounting reports, file reviews, countless letters of recommendation and the eventual acceptance of my diminished mental capacity, the society's main concern was to find dishonesty despite the evidence to the contrary.



Was this a example of institutional policy or a function of the individuals enforcing or applying the overall mandate of the society in accordance with their personal agendas or subject to their perception of the society's overall mandate. To tell the truth I cannot answer the question and can only suggest that it is or can be a factor that may have affected my dealings with the society and could effect the interests of someone reading this story while experiencing the same problems.

Now dear reader as previously indicated, at the time I had to deal with the society I was psychologically, emotionally and financially bankrupt, a position that anyone fighting the allegations of the society will almost undoubtedly or inevitably end up in if they did not start there. Despite this if I can give any advice I would state that it is imperative that you get counsel, you cannot handle this matter on your own. I say this with full knowledge and experience with the potential practical difficulties in terms of finances and maybe even finding someone to represent you. You must remember even though I had avoided actual suicide, there are many ways to hurt yourself and with depression and even in recovery from depression it is amazing how quickly you and your companions shame and fear can find them.

I was lucky insofar as there were a few of my previous colleagues that were ready to assist me. They could only do so much for free though, as those of you that are or were in partnerships or associates thereof are aware, billable hours are billable hours and in dealing with this type of matter there are more than enough hours to be noticed by the office manager. I should also point out that while I had a few colleagues willing to assist, I believe, again in hindsight that it takes a very particular type of lawyer and quite frankly person to represent you in this type of matter. He or she must be courageous, not wear a cape, pluck babies from burning buildings courageous, but rather have the personal strength of character to deal with the society without the usual personal paranoia that lawyers have about anyone at the society knowing who they are, they must have a personal believe in you and of who you are and finally they must at least understand and know why you will be little or no help to their efforts. This type of counsel obviously does not grow on trees however the strange thing is we probably all know one or have at least met one during our practice. He or she doesn't have to be the best advocate in the world, although it helps, they are simple individuals of quiet character that are willing to look at you and your case with an open mind and a willingness to commit to you not just the file.

I suggested that the characteristics of the counsel above are important because I believe that in dealing with the society counsel cannot be intimidated by the institutional might or mandate of the society, he or she must to some extent by sheer force of will and commitment, endeavour to make the society understand that your conduct did not result from malicious intent or lack of character but rather from an uncontrollable loss of focus and understanding. Further when you grow tired or professionally suicidal and suggest that you will accept anything the society wants to do to you because you deserve it, they must be able to listen patiently and in an understanding manner tell you to shut up and do what you are told. This last characteristic is important because in the case of depression, shame and fear are always present along with the desire for all the trouble to be over and submission to the winds of fate are always the easy way.

I was lucky in terms of counsel in that all the counsel that stood by me to one extent or another had many of these characteristics but one in particular came forward that stood out and while I definitely took some hits, which were unavoidable given my conduct throughout the depression and the loss of control of my practice, he did, I believe through force of his character and understanding of my problems save me from an institutional steamrolling resulting from a failure to understand that depression is not an excuse but an affliction.

In the end I was suspended for one year, had to continue treatment until told I could stop by the doctor and I had to repay monies improperly billed or accounted for. I would at this point with a full understanding of the necessity of society's disciplinary action but also with an understanding of some of the factors leading to same paraphrase the findings of a B.C. Justice in respect to this type of proceeding when he stated that the mandate of a society is to discipline, not punish and destroy. I would hope that this judicial acknowledgment may give some comfort to anyone involved in this type of proceeding while at the same time give pause to anyone involved in prosecuting this type of action. It must be remembered that despite new age enlightenment, spiritual priorities and general psycho babble, when someone spends their life becoming a lawyer, its not simply who they are or their job, its what they are and to destroy it is to risk destroying them and as such every consideration must be given before such a drastic step should be taken. I would suggest that indirectly the society is dealing with the very life of its member and as such the factors considered should be reviewed without the interference of public perception or personal agenda.

I was and maybe am unsure about including the last line of the last paragraph but despite this misgiving I am going to leave it. Not because it is especially insightful or unique to lawyers but simply because it is true. It is one thing that may not be helpful but in terms of my own life cannot be changed. It is how I perceive myself, a once lawyer, a going to be a lawyer again, or a disgraced lawyer, it is all the same with various emotional and personal consequences, a fact that I cannot or will not escape. I can only suggest or rather hope that those reading this understand that you can change what you do, you cannot change what you are and as such you must fight and seek whatever help you can to preserve that one thing that may form the foundation of your life and once preserved work hard to make it and yourself better.

During the above battle which took only paragraphs here to describe yet years to experience, I had to also deal with the drug possession charge that occurred as a result of my foiled suicide attempt. While this of course was a serious event for which I not only had to return to B.C to resolve but also to one of the very courtrooms that I appeared in hundreds if not thousands of times defending other charged with the same if not worse offences, it was, in hindsight an event that proved to me that God must have a dark and dry sense of humour.

As indicated at the time I was arrested for possession of a trace amount of cocaine, I was fairly confident, even in my befuddled state of mind that the charge was, from a legal perspective weak if not unsupportable. However, after considering both the risk management aspects of the matter and the fact that I was just in the process of removing my head from my butt, I decided to cut the deal and get out of it as best I could. Arrangements were made and a plea with a joint submission for a conditional discharge was agreed upon, however the Crown required, that I attend to enter the plea. I have always felt that this was a bit of a vindictive demand as my attendance was unnecessary and all it achieved was further humiliation, however a deal is a deal, and how much worse could it be.

I flew to B.C to face the music once again and while enroute decided that I was going to hold my head up and be if not defiant, unbowed in the face of my humiliation. The morning of my court appearance I awoke at Bob's home with no feeling in the entire right side of my face. After a fantic call to my doctor I was advised that the new medication he had put me on had resulted in an incident of Bell's Palsy. For those of you that don't know this affliction can have many symptoms but in my case was the removal of nerve and muscle action to the right side of my face, kind of like having the dentist freeze one side of your head.

So there I was sitting in court as a defendant with the body of the court filled with counsel and past clients, after all I did alot of criminal work in the past, ready to face the judge from the other side of the counsel table, not head up and unbowed but rather sitting there with the sensation that the entire right side of my face was sliding into my lap. At the time not fun, in hindsight even I have to laugh and to this day I believe it is proof that God has a dry sense of humour and was clearly demonstrating to me again that pride comes before a fall, literally.

Be Careful What You Ask For

Well friends, and I think I can make that reference now because if you have read far enough to get here and not become fed up with me you now know more about me than most of my friends, relatives and all past lovers except one, yes as suggested earlier the circle keeps turning.

At this point the plan was completed, the driving force in my life since Grade 6 was done, my parents were happy, the sun was shining and God was in the heavens.... but what the hell was I going to do now.

After some thought and alot of confusion I had various options to consider, the first being going to Singapore and work for the prosecutors office. I considered this suggestion because apparently the language of the court was English, they liked British Degrees, accepted Canadian qualifications and paid phenomenal money. However I also learned that prosecutors had an uncommon knack of being found floating in the harbour, thus given my history to date and the fact that I did not appear to have a great deal of luck going for me I decided that discretion was the better part of valour and passed on this idea. The next option involved going back to Ontario however this involved articling again given the various rules in respect to transferring between provinces and I was not prepared to go through that again.

The last option arose due to a chance meeting with a friend from law school who was now practicing law in a small interior tourist town, strangely similar to the town in Ontario in which I had spent so much time. Now Joe was a mountain of a man, about six foot four, and three hundred pounds. He had a good heart, a friendly disposition and had the soul of a party animal which not only made him very popular at the law school but the hub of the social scene. However, while being a great guy and a good friend to all Joe struggled at school and had to repeat various courses. He had been a year ahead of me and had now purchased a practice in this small town and had run into some problems and needed someone to come in and help him. After some discussions I agreed to come and help him out for one year, as I had no plans, needed some experience and really didn't want to commit to anything at this point. So I moved again, funnily enough to the same town in which I had received the speeding ticket while driving west, and set up practice with Joe.

I settled in, moved in to an apartment and started to practice law, and to my surprise and pleasure I was good at it. Not underachiever good, not average good, but really good if I do say so myself. This is not to say I was Perry Mason, or legendary, but rather I won my cases, was respected by my peers and feared by others, the police dreaded my cross examinations and husbands and wives would try to retain me before their spouse could in divorces. This big fish in small pond thing may not seem like much but it was satisfying.

After about eight months of this I was looking to move on when Joe advised that he was taking a job with the government and suddenly I was left with the practice and essentially trapped whether I wanted to be or not. After some thought and the fact that I had nowhere else to go I decided to stay and build my life there.

I have not spoken much about relationships for a while because essentially there hadn't been any, dates of course, short term dalliances but no relationships and as I settled into my new town this didn't really change although it was not for lack of trying. Then there was one of those little decisions again that comes back to bite you in the butt and change your life.

It was a Friday night, I was sitting at home minding my own business when a friend called and asked me to come meet his brother who had just gotten a job at a local bar as the DJ. Normally at about 10 at night I would not have gone out but I thought what the hell and off I went. After I arrived and was introduced to Bill I sat down and ordered a drink, shortly thereafter I was approached by a woman who walked off the dance floor. She asked me if I could act like her boyfriend as there was a guy hitting on her, I simply said she could sit at the table with us. Now Linda was about my age, attractive in a girl next store sort of way so we started to talk and made arrangements to meet for dinner the next evening. Again I did not hear what I now know in hindsight was a loud and definitive click as my life was changed forever.

Linda and I dated over a year, and things went well, she was loving, attentive, independent and eventually she said she loved me. Now dear reader if you have read my past entries you know I have always had a problem with these words, however at this point I was ready and I loved or thought I loved her too. This is not to say I did not have the feelings but as things develop the question will not be did I love but who did I love.

After this things moved on, we lived together for a few months and then got engaged, all during this period things went well, and she swore her undying love as engaged people are want to do. We planned a small wedding with family and friends and got married, other than the usual reasons this was a memorable day because it was literally the last day she said she loved me. Hard to believe I know but true just the same, in response to my saying that I loved her she would smile and say "you should". At this point you may recall me suggesting that "karma was a bitch", I was about to find out how much of a bitch it could be.

I was married, I was a respected lawyer and life was good but that of course would be too easy. First Linda legally changed her named to Allison, something about lucky numbers and numerology, I thought it was a bit weird but supported her in her decision. Then after she found out she was pregnant with our daughter she announced that she was going close her shop and go to work in Calgary, staying at her brother's house and travelling home weekends. This decision I didn't approve of but she went anyway. Yes, I gave in, thinking maybe it was a baby thing, also as you may recall while I could fight tooth and nail in court I was never really much on personal confrontation.

Then in the fall of 1986 our daughter was born, a beautiful blonde blue eyed little girl that looked like me and was nothing but smiles and laughter. To anyone looking we had it all, a beautiful daughter, a great house, the nice cars, a boat and even a dog, something out of a Christmas card, life looked good. In reality it wasn't, as indicated she never said she loved me, went out with "girlfriends" far to much and started going to visit an old girlfriend in California far too often. This went on for a few years, did I think she was having affairs, yes probably, could I prove it no, I just watched and lived with it, and worked and worked hoping it would go away, of course it didn't. By the time my daughter was around three, Allison was going to California regularly, various excuses were given, courses, girlfriend's birthday anything and everything, she was gone so much we had to get a nanny to look after the baby while I worked.

It started to come to a head when I refused to allow her to go to California on one occasion and she left to stay at a local girlfriend's for a couple of weeks, leaving our daughter with me. After two weeks and a girls night out in another town, she suddenly came home, apologized and said she wanted to have another baby with me. Life was ok for a few months and she announced she was pregnant.....did I see the writing on the wall, no.

About this time the circle came around again, I was sitting home on a Saturday while Allision was out as usual and our daughter Mckenzie was sleeping and the phone rang. It was Robin calling to say hello and that she was thinking of moving back to Canada. She was just wondering how my life was going. Did I tell her it was miserable, did I tell her that I had one foot out the door, no, I told her everything was wonderful and life was good. As I said before it has only been recently that I realized that I had missed the signs again, I should have at least opened the door and told the truth, my life may have changed and my soul been saved.

We skip ahead to the birth of my son Connor, a beautiful blonde little boy, who not only didn't look like me, he didn't look like his mother. Now this is one of those moments, what do you do, rather what did I do. Well nothing, but I knew then deep down he wasn't my biological child but I could do nothing else but accept him as he needed me as much as I needed him, it was then that the boulder so delicately balanced on the top of the mountain started to tumble and the smile of Sisyphus started to turn into slightly hysterical laughter.

After a few months Allison was back to going out with the "girls" and travelling to California. This time I decided to check things out, she of course denied affairs etc and said I was just jealous and unreasonable. I traced some numbers, checked some addresses, made some calls and determined that she was actually living with some guy in California, when the nanny found this out she admitted that Allison had actually been seeing someone locally on and off for years and using the girls nights as an excuse.

The rock crashed down the mountain and Sisyphus's laughter was now reduced to an insane cackle.


To my credit I threw her out when she arrived back from California, she denies the affairs to this day and despite the paternity test states that Connor is mine, but I am getting ahead of myself. We separated, we shared custody of the kids, I paid the child support but I didn't mind, given her trips to California and her lifestyle I had the kidsalmost full time and I was at least happy with that. However the rest of my life was spiralling out of control and there was no plan to save me or at least keep me focused this time.

To say my work suffered does not even begin to describe the situation I found myself in, it seemed the more I worked the less I got done, things were left undone and nothing seemed right. I went to the doctor who suggested I was suffering from depression, a concept which at the time I disregarded, after all depression was just an excuse, if you felt bad all you had to do was pull your socks up and get to work. Funny how those commonly held myths and misconceptions are so easy to accept, how logical and reasonable they seem especially when they have to do with mental health and more importantly your own mental health. Despite this point of view I at least agreed to attend counselling with Allison for the sake of the children, I later learned that she arranged this counselling as part of a plan to reconcile after I was told by the doctor that the problems were mine not hers.

We went to the doctor and outlined our lives prior to the marriage, our parents and our general views on life. This took about 4 sessions at which time he wanted to see us individually which made Allison very happy in that she believed that I would be told the error of my ways, the folly of my unreasonable jealousy and that I needed help. Allison went first and after an hour stormed out of the doctor's office barely acknowledging me on her way out but stating in a very loud voice that she would never be back. Well dear reader, it was my turn, I thought given her reaction that things were not obviously all my fault and he had told her so, yet I still had to face the music. I sat quietly as the doctor reviewed his notes, he looked at me and said that I should not walk but run away from Allison and that if we did reconcile the consequences could or would be catastrophic. After seeing my puzzled look he went on to advise me that in his opinion and based on the tests we had done, she was suffering from a severe narcissistic personality disorder and could well be a sociopath. As an aside, alot of guys say thier ex wives are crazy, I on the other hand have a doctors letter to prove it.

The doctor then went on to say that his tests also showed that I was suffering from depression and if I did not accept treatment I could become dangerously clinically depressed. Given my opinions as to depression I did not take his advice and went back to my life determined to work things out, get my work done and essentially pull up my socks. This of course did not work, things got harder and harder, and my practice once so successful began to slide. I took on fewer clients, and my paperwork got so far behind that eventually the law society stepped in to review the practice. As previously stated to any lawyer involvement with the law society is the scariest thing there is because contrary to public opinion they are not there to side with or back lawyers, their mandate is to protect the public and to ensure that the public knows this. Thus when dealing with lawyer's problems they generally take a scorched earth approach. This means they assume the worst and act upon it in the hopes of obtaining the maximum penalty which is disbarment. If your actions do not warrant that penalty it is your responsibility to establish that, even though the process may bankrupt or kill you. A bit of an generalization but in truth not that much of an exageration. My problems were accounting, and delay, not dishonesty and misappropriation yet that is what they claimed at the beginning, after tens of thousands of dollars, for representation and accountants it was accepted that it was in fact an accounting problem and not dishonesty, but by that time the damage was done.

While I was fighting this fight a number of things were happening, my father was helping me financially without hesitation, however both he and my mother were becoming more and more emotionally distant, blaming all the problems including the marriage on me which of course wasn't true, he further held the opinion that depression was just an excuse and I had better buckle down. I at this point was falling further and further into the pit.

In hindsight I can tell you dear reader that depression is insidious, like a poison gas that sneaks up on you and then kills you over time in ways you don't even realize. It slowly changes your thought processes, attacking your judgment making what is illogical, logical, what is wrong seems right, what is ridiculous becomes reasonable and eventually it makes whatever takes the pain away the thing you need more than anything else in your life. I would like to say this is an over dramatic take on depression but unfortunately it probably isn't strong enough to get the message across.

To set the scene, while I was battling the law society in an attempt to clear my name at least from the things I had not done and limit the penalty to what I had done or failed to do, I was still looking after my children two to three weeks a month (to this day Connor does not know he is not biologically mine), I was still paying the full child support although my income was at best nominal, and I was dealing with or attempting to deal with the ongoing damage to my reputation. Most people seem to think that lawyers, like the law society are they to help each other or at the very least stick together. This unfortunately is not the case, when this kind of trouble hits a lawyer two things generally happen, one you are ostracized as if the trouble with the law society is contagious, like some sort of plague, the other is you are attacked or taken advantage of, quite frankly when the blood is in the water the sharks circle and anyone that can, will take advantage, from the flaky client trying to find away to get money back, to the colleague you had lunch with for years trying to get one over. I know this is a generalization and to be honest there were some very notable exceptions including some local lawyers that stood up for me both at the time and later, however there were many more that either came at me when I was down or crossed the street when they saw me coming.

I was essentially alone and all the while there was a mantra playing over and over in my head, "if this doesn't stop I am going to die", the scary part was that every now and then it changed to" if I die this will stop".

The question now is how did I deal with this, did I go to the doctor, occasionally, did I accept his treatment, not really, did I crawl under my bed and hide, no, actually I did the opposite, all in the somewhat misguided attempt to portray that everything was fine, that I was ok and that I was a whole person. Thus like any responsible professional adult, I embarked on a course of partying and debauchery almost unheard of in that small community. It honestly seemed like a logical thing to do at the time to demonstrate that I was alright. The problem was that to do it I hung out with every low life in town, all those people that I had successfully defended in the past were now my friends, or I thought they were as I sunk deeper and deeper into the pit.

I partied, and partied, and to put it bluntly slept my way through every woman I could, single or married, 20 to 40, drunk or sober, anything to distract me from the pain of being me. Not right I know, not even decent but it happened, all the while the mantra pounding in my head, "if this doesn't stop I will die". Now dear reader as whatever opinion of me you have had has now undoubtedly dropped lower, I must tell you it gets worse.

I mentioned earlier in my teens that I was never into drugs over the years I had tried them and maintained my opinion that they were a waste of time, however, during this period of time I tried cocaine, and I liked it and the people I was now hanging out with had it and since I was the star, it was easy to get and more importantly it made the pain go away and that was essentially the focus of my life.

I keep referring to pain in terms of depression and this is hard to explain. Its not like a cut or a break, or a migraine, its is a constant agonizing ache in your soul, everything hurts, you do not want to get up, you don't want to go to bed, you don't want to think, you don't want to eat, (I lost 40 pounds during this period), you just want it to stop!

So there I was, fighting the law society, looking after my kids (I was home and good when I had the kids, perhaps my only redeeming behaviour), screwing my way through the female population, partying and taking coke like a rock star on a road trip all supposedly in support of my intention to show people that everything was alright with me.

And then the mantra changed and all I heard all the time, day in and day out, was "if I die this will stop"

I have always thought that suicide was one of the dumbest most illogical things anyone could do. I have known people that commited suicide, even a local lawyer I knew commited suicide, I never understood it untill I went through this depression.

As I have said depression is insidious, it changes the way you think making the unreasonable, right, and more than that it makes the unacceptable not only acceptable but necessary, not only for your own good but for everyone elses. Its funny once you decide to commit suicide life becomes very simple thats why I don't think its ever a spur of the moment decision, its something you decide and prepare for slowly and methodically. So as a point of warnng if you know someone that is depressed and they suddenly become calm and almost happy that is the time to worry and to act whether you are right or wrong, because to be right and do nothing is fatal.

I had decided, it was a logical, reasonable and financially sound decision, good for my kids, my parents and me. I know this seems strange but I remember giving this a great deal of thought, carefully considering all the factors. My kids would be better off without a failure as a father, my insurance would look after thier future and pay back my parents, it all made sense. Of course it did to someone with his head so far up his butt he couldn't see daylight, but nevertheless the decision was made and I set about getting ready.

I confirmed the suicide riders on my insurance policies had lapsed, made the appropriate changes to beneficiaries, and re-drafted my will, all I had to do was figure out a way to do it that wouldn't hurt too much and so I wouldn't be found by my kids. I dismissed guns, I didn't have drugs that would do it, hanging didn't appeal to me, so for some reason I decided on electricution, I would get drunk, sit in the hot tub and pull the TV in with me. I know dumb, but that was the plan and you know by now how committed to plans I can be.

Finally the night came, the kids would not be back for two weeks, I arranged for a friend that I thought could take it to come and see me the next day and I set about getting ready. Then my ex mother in law called and I spent the next twenty minutes trying to get her off the phone which I finally did, only to have the police at my door 5 minutes later because she thought something was up and I had a gun in the house. At the time a major pain in the butt but in hindsight she saved my life. The police came in, confescated my hunting rifle, found a bit of paper with some coke on it and arrested me.

By this time Sisyphus had just given up and was sitting on the boulder drooling.

I was taken to the police station and charged with possession despite the fact that it was only a trace amount, funny I knew that that thier case would be weak if not unsupportable, for all the good at did me at the time. I was released and the next day taken and checked into the hospital by a friend and immediately sedated, don't remember much for about three days untill I woke up to see my father standing at the end of my bed, at that point death still seemed like a good idea.

And Sisyphus Smiled

Upon my triumphant return from England, and it was triumphant, I had met expectations despite the problems, I had succeeded at least in my fathers eyes. I was now approaching the top of the mountain, the boulder seemingly lighter with every step. Then of course as I reached the top of the mountain the boulder mockingly teetered and rolled thundering down the other side of the mountain waiting to be pushed back up.


In real terms this means that upon returning home after graduating law school I found that the British Degree was not accepted in Ontario, I would either have to go to another Province or do one more year of school. The plan did not allow for this, the timetable and sacrifices to date did not permit delay, so I contacted some firms in British Columbia to inquire about articling positions, leaned into the boulder and once more started up the mountain.


Enough of the drama for now, I had been caught off guard but think I recovered quickly. I managed to get a position with a British Columbian Firm for my articles that would start the following spring which would give me time to get some rest, get my life together and drive west. As to life at home, not much changed, Chrystal was living with the father of her baby in Toronto, Robin had moved to the US with Abe and I still had the plan, a little battered, worn around the edges not so much an old friend but now more like an addiction, a need that had to be met. Hard to believe that all this started with a little decision in Grade 6.


In the spring of the next year I packed up my old Firebird with everything I own, my cousin who was going to Calgary and we were about to head west when I got a telephone call from Karen, I know what are the chances. It turns out she now lived in Calgary and when I told her I was heading west she asked me to call her when we arrived and we could get together for dinner, at which time I could meet her husband. Dear reader I am sure I don't have to tell you I was not exactly thrilled at the prospect of hearing about and seeing another life and love move on without me.


My cousin and I set off on the understanding that whoever drove got to listen to their own music, as my cousin was into German techno pop, you will understand when I ended up volunteering to drive most of the way across the country. When we arrived in Calgary I dropped off my cousin, called a couple of friends from Law School now living there and then Karen. I arranged to meet Karen and her husband for dinner and despite my desire not to like him, he was a great person, charming and intelligent, basically the kind of person I thought she would marry, if I ever thought she would marry given her free spirit and independent nature. We had a great dinner and I recounted the events of my years in England, perhaps not as thoroughly or dramatically as I have discussed them here but the highs and good times anyway. After dinner I went back to my hotel room alone steeling myself for the drive the next day into British Columbia. About midnight there was a knock on the door and when I opened it there stood Karen, crying, not for herself, not due to any fight she may have had with her husband but as I was to find out, for me. Please don't get me wrong, the dinner conversation was not depressing, actually it was just your general lighthearted dinner with an old friend. Thus as she started to tell me why she was upset I was very surprised. I guess in knowing me, she saw through the laughs and excitement about the future and in a word saw the changes in me and perhaps the price I had paid for my plan and it upset her.


The next part of my story is, well kind of hard to explain and despite her assurances at the time I was not then or now totally comfortable with what happened. As you are probably assuming she spent the night with me and gave me a night of comfort and love that perhaps let me hope that the loves that I had lost were still possible and I was not beyond redemption As to her husband she explained that they had an open relationship and he knew she was with me, that they had married for the future on the understanding that they could both live and explore their present lives. Did I believe it, maybe, it was in keeping with everything I knew about her, did I want to believe it, yes and while it always bothered me, it is a night I still cherish.

You may now have noticed that for some reason my life and those in it somehow keep moving in and out again as illustrated by Karen. I don't know why this happens as I never instigated these returns, its not something I ever thought about seriously before and I have never really heard or seen it in other peoples lives. I mention this now because when you write all this stuff out the patterns in your life begin to become apparent and to tell the truth there will be further and more dramatic returns as the story continues.


The next morning I was back on the road this time on my own, twelve hours of non-stop driving, reflection, introspection, planning, one speeding ticket, and in the end virtual delirium from fatigue but I made it.


I made it to the coast and started my articles with the new firm, the next step to finishing the plan, the beginning of the end in more ways than one.

I had grown up around law firms, worked in my father's as everything from a janitor to a litigation clerk as well as with other firms as a researcher and assistant but to be honest I had never seen then or to date such a bigger collection of pompous, self absorbed, stuffed shirts in my life. This given my proclivity for being totally self absorbed and insensitive to the feelings of those around me, is saying quite abit. However, this didn't matter, I just had to finish my articles and get called to the bar and I was done.

On my first day I showed up, bright eyed and bushy tailed, wearing the new three hundred dollar pin striped suit my father had bought me before I left. I should point out that at th is time a three hundred dollar suit was a serious suit, so I was feeling pretty good about myself. I arrived and was met by the senior partner who welcomed me, introduced me to everyone, showed me around and before leaving me to my own devices advised me that they were not some corduroy sport jacket law firm and I should go out and get a decent suit, he then gave me the address of his tailor and left. I was dumbstruck but obediently went to the tailor and spent a thousand dollars on a new suit, to date the most expensive suit I ever owned, hell at the time the suit cost almost as much as my car. You think I may have seen the warning signs at this point but again like love the plan is blind and generally not to bright.

I went to work determined to succeed and in doing so became friends with one of the junior partners, Dean, a good guy that while agreeing with my opinion as to the nature and character of his associates, had his own plan and with that common bond educated me in the basics of how to get along and get by.

As an articling student you are basically a gopher, you do what you are told, when you are told and don't ask questions, hopefully learning something along the way. I realized as time went that not only was I not being asked to do allot by anyone except Dean, I wasn't even seeing anyone other than Dean, so contrary to custom and convention I made an appointment with the senior administrative partner and quietly, meekly and politely asked if there was a problem and why wasn't I being given much to do. I was told there was no reason and to just keep working with Dean. Within a day I was summoned to the senior partner's office, kind of an audience with the king. Upon sitting down in the grand corner office, his first words to me were, "can't you take a hint" Now, dear reader I had been working here by this point for six months with no problems, no criticism and little direction so I was a bit confused, but given the tone and the obvious fact that I was there a day after the previous meeting something was up. I again politely but perhaps a little more defiantly responded to this rather vague question, with the words "I guess not, whats the hint". I was then told that they wanted me to quit, no reason, no explanation, just the suggestion that I quit. I of course said no and was promptly dismissed from his presence.

That afternoon, I met Dean and described the events of the past couple of days. After he finished choking on his beer and laughing, he asked in disbelief if I had really just said no to the grand pooba and when I told him yes he just started laughing again and explaining to me that it was probably the first time the guy had heard the word in respect to his demands. He then went on to tell me that things would get pretty cold around the firm and that I should just keep my head down and wait out the next months because the firm probably would not have the nerve not to sign the ariticling completion documents. I took his advice to a point as what he said was true, even the secretaries barely spoke to me and were always to busy to do my work. However, in addition to keeping my head down, I began to essentially run my own law practice from their offices, using Dean as supervisor. I began to do lesser files and legal aid files on my own all the time keeping notes as to my contact with the partners and my time spent in the office.

As the deadline for articles approached I told Dean that I didn't think they were going to sign the papers and if that was the case I was going to go to the law society. I should mention that most lawyers no matter how good would prefer that the society not even know that they exist, its kind of an inherent paranoia based on the knowledge that no contact with the society can end well. Dealing with the law society is viewed like dealling with a vicious dog, you don't make any sudden movements and avoid eye contact. Given this prevailing point of view the suggestion did not go over well and he again denied that the firm would refuse to complete my articles and as such I should leave it alone. This advice I did not take and without anyone's knowledge I forwarded my outline of events and my notebooks to the society.

After this a few things happened at once, the first was that during the week that the papers were to be signed I was involved in a criminal negligence causing death trial, after all I had been running my own practice for a while now from their offices and part of that involves trials. However, I was supposed to be supervised and given the atmosphere around the office I was not. After being out of the office for three days Dean called me and asked me where I had been for the past three days and I told him that I was going into my last day of a four day trial on criminal negligence. He almost had a heart attack, due to the fact that I had been doing it on my own combined with the fact that a representative from the society was attending the next day due to the firms now apparent refusal to sign the articling papers. His health was not further improved when I advised him that despite his advice to leave things alone I had been sending my logs to the society for months in anticipation of this refusal by the firm.

The next day we were all at the courthouse, me, to finish the trial, Dean came to watch and give the impression he had been aware of my attendance for days, the law society representative and one of the senior partners all showed up for the finale. I finished my closing statements to the judge as did the prosecutor and the judge retired to make his decision.

To say things were a bit tense at this point is an understatement, the credibility of the firm to some extent was hanging on the decision almost as much as my client's life, they had criticized my abilities without spending the time to discover if I had any.

Finally the judge returned and for the first time after years of following the plan, blindly plodding forward I discovered that I was actually good at this stuff. The judge promptly acquitted my client while specifically praising both my conduct of the file, my demeanor in the court, my sensitivity to the issues and specifically stating that if he had not been told I was an articling student he would have thought I was counsel with years of experience. I was thrilled, the law society representative was showing his displeasure to the senior partner, the senior partner was looking like a deer in the headlights, Dean was doing his best not to break down in fits of hysterical laughter, and Sisyphus smiled and leaned into the boulder once more.

After a brief and formal hearing where it was discovered that after hiring me the senior partners had lost a small fortune in real estate and could not afford an articling student, the firm was disciplined and I was called to the bar, the plan was completed.

I had made it but what was I going to do, after all the plan was over and I hadn't thought about what came next.

During all the events outlined above something else happened that to tell the truth at the time I did not think about as a serious or as one of those moments that could have changed my life. In retrospect it probably was not only the plan that stopped me from realizing this fact then and let me go on to the present without realizing the potential importance of the moment but also the fact that as far as relationships were concerned I had essentially given up hope.

While plodding through my articles and before the trouble started I received a telephone call, not from Karen this time, but from Robin. She was calling me to tell me that she was divorcing Abe because he had become physically abusive and had hit her on a few occasions, she wanted some advice as to the divorce. At the time I told her that I didn't know anything about American divorces and she should get a lawyer there. After years of assuming that this was all this call was about it has as of late dawned on me that my insecure self absorption probably missed the chance to get her back. She had no need to call me in British Columbia about an American divorce, there was no reason for her to call me about the divorce at all. If there had been no interest why would she have called to let me know she was now on her own and Abe had shown his true colours. Again the gold ring in my life circled by and as usual I was looking the other way or was just too dumb to see it. As you may be noticing dear reader this is getting to be a trend.

Law School, A Plan Comes Together

I had made it to Law School, not the school I planned to go to but at least one that had a little prestige and not only that, I had a woman that loved me and was willing to sacrifice part of her life to show that love and to be with me, could things get better, unlikely, could I screw it up...... undoubtedly!


When I got to England I was excited, law school the long planned for achievement, not only was I far enough from home that the pressure and expectations of my father would be minimized or at least delayed, I would be the novelty, the only Canadian at the school.

The fact is when I arrived in September and went to the orientation, much to my shock and surprise I was up to my ass in Canadians. There had to be at least 15 Canadians from various parts of the country and various backgrounds. Guys like me that accepted the first law school that accepted them, sons and brothers of Supreme Court Justices and lawyers. It did give me pause, was this a really good school despite the explanation that I used to justify my attendance or was I like the doctors son going to Acme University for his medical degree because he couldn't get into a real school, I decided on the first and hoped it wasn't the latter. Nevertheless, I was there, this was law school and Robin was on her way.


The apartment I rented was not exactly the Ritz, actually nothing unusual for a student, it was part of a row house on a street near the school, its own little living room and kitchen, stairs to the shared bathroom and separate bedroom shared with the landlord, not a bad guy who was a widowed steel worker looking to cut his expenses. It was alright for me but when Robin arrived it definitely had to be changed as it was too cold and damp which of course was true but while we were there it was the adventure that I guess we both wanted despite freezing our butts off. As we got used to the damp weather, we had fun and the future if not the weather looked bright.


It was October, Robin had arrived and school had started, we got a new little apartment clean and warmer if not warm, Robin got a job that she enjoyed and as stated the adventure had begun. You would think I would remember it clearly, the school, my life with Robin, the dream coming true but the truth of the matter is a remember very little of this first year until part of the dream ended, from that point my recollection seem clear and the regret painful still.


We were involved in the school and with the other Canadians as well as the locals, we had friends from both groups and a great social life, school was hard and like most first year law students we all thought we knew everything, and could solve any problem. I was consumed by the work, it wasn't easy but it was part of what I had worked whole life towards and I was doing it, however as I was doing it Robin fell into the shadow, probably not the first time this has ever happened in the world but given the sacrifices she had made for me it was nothing but wrong. There was no indications of a problem, no fights, no tears, she stood by me supported me and loved me, I as usual was just too self absorbed to see what was happening.

Then I got a letter from Karen. Now Robin new about Karen, our past relationship and that we were now friends that rarely saw each other or even spoke, she didn't know about the abortion but she knew there was an unspoken connection. She never indicated or mentioned any problem about the friendship nor did I think anything of it when I told her that Karen was stopping over in London on her way to a dig in Isreal and wanted to meet in a couple of months.


There was no problem, no fight and I would like to say that when Robin said she was going home for a couple of weeks that I didn't suspect there was a problem, but I think then and from hindsight now, I knew there was.


About a month later I was on the train to the airport with Robin, we were both quiet and didn't say much except that we would miss each other. If I could ever have a "do over" moment this would be it, that hour on the train, to get down on my knees and beg her not to leave, and in thinking about it I really think she was waiting for me to do it, the final test, the confirmation of that I loved her even though I wouldn't say it. But I didn't, I would like, dear reader at this point to be able to give you some deep and meaningful reason why I didn't, some newly discovered psyhcological deficiency or impediment to my not stating the obvious, but the truth is I was simply a self absorbed idiot that found it easier to accept things at face value that didn't shake up my plan than look to the obvious feelings and pain that I was causing.

She left, and as I called for the next couple of weeks to find out when she was coming back it got harder and harder to get hold of her, then when I did and we were talking I had one of my rare flashes of light or ESP moments and I out of the blue asked how long she had been dating Abe.


I mentioned Abe earlier as my roommate in my last year of University, he was a teaching assistant in the Political Science department, older by about ten years, called a mature student. He was a nice guy, basically full of baloney in that he told me he was ex US army intelligence and spun stories of special missions in Vietnam. I never really believed the stories as he was not the type, tall and big enough but basically a big dork but as guys will do, I just ignores the baloney and went with the flow.


After saying this to Robin there was a few moments of silence and then quietly and hesitantly she asked how I knew......and my world crashed down, I didn't know and don't know why I asked, it had just occurred to me.


The next couple of months past in a blur, I walked through life, perhaps realizing to some small extent the loss that I had just suffered if not the full extent, I did my exams and went home for the summer and to meet and talk to Robin. I had met with Karen, gone to some museums, had a nice lunch, nothing passionate or dramatic, just an afternoon with a friend, another small decision with big consequences. Not the sole reason for the problem but I guess it was the last straw.

I got home and immediately contacted Robin and we met in a local park to talk, she told me how Abe had said I had cheated on her constantly, how I knew I would never stay with her. All untrue but I guess given her insecurities, my fear of telling her I loved her and my self absorbed allegiance to the plan it gave the lies substance and he got apparently what he had wanted for years and I had provided him the opportunity. Did I argue, fight, cry, beg, no, did I deny the lies, yes for all the good that did. We simply said a loving goodbye with a hug. Yes dear reader I was an idiot again and would be again as far as Robin was concerned but if it is any consolation to you, "karma is a bitch"



I walked through that summer in kind of a daze, and then returned to England to follow the plan, always the plan, not too warm at night, but a comfort just the same. It was that at this point that the plan started to get a bit old, my determination a bit weak, my outlook a bit jaded so like any good underachiever I subconsciously if not consciously set about sabotaging myself. Please don't misunderstand, I did not burn my books and discard the plan, I simply made another small decision. I went out on a Friday night, just a block from my house a new restaurant bar, kind of a miniature Hard Rock Cafe. This was a time when fancy cocktails were coming to England and grilled burgers and steaks were all the rage. Someone had opened a small version down the street, called Arnie's American Restaurant and I decided to go there on the opening night to have a burger and a Margarita. I went in and ordered my meal and drink and got a hockey puck on a bun with a glass of lemon juice and tequila. Needless to say I was not quiet about my dissatisfaction, not rude just naturedly critical. They asked if I could do better and given my previous bar and restaurant experienced I said yes. After a night of mixing drinks and showing the kitchen how to grill a burger and make chili I was hired as a part time manager of what was to become a local jet set hangout.


So lets recap, going to law school by day, now working at what was rapidly becoming a jet set hangout, rubbing elbows with rock stars and the rich, new friends, new women and good money too boot, sounds cool and it was. The problem of course is the plan allows for no distractions and law school even less, so of course despite the extra money, the lifestyle had me spending much more than I was making and despite being allowed to schedule my time around school the work it began to suffer and the expectations and pressures of my father that initially were distant or delayed now got very close and immediate. I wasn't failing but the marks had dropped and money was going fast, things that even the most patient of parents would not tolerate and needless to say my father not being that patient made his presence known. Ultimatums were given, the job was abandoned and the plan reinstated in all its obsessive glory.



In hindsight and in light of future events not yet discussed here, I may have been depressed. The loss of Robin affecting me more than I was willing to admit, self medicating myself on alcohol and a champagne lifestyle, sabotaging school as a self inflicted punishment for letting her go, or I could have just been an idiot again, that periodic and chronic affliction of the underachiever.



During this period there were relationships or perhaps more accurately stated as extended acquaintances. Nothing serious, and at worst perhaps a series of sexual adventures . I was in school and I had if nothing else convinced myself that I had been right, that the plan was the important thing and love was counterproductive.


Also during this period I, despite my commitment to the plan, began to get an idea of what I was getting into, realizing that rather than setting myself free I was building a cage, maybe a gold cage, a fancy cage, but still a cage. I have looked at some notebooks from this period and in reading them noticed there is a slight preoccupation with the story of Sisyphus, the Greek myth about a man that due to his hubris nature, lack of understanding of others and his trickery is punished by the Gods. The punishment in its various guises was to push a boulder up a mountain for eternity only to see it fall to the bottom of the other side upon reaching the summit, an excercise in eternal frustration. Maybe I was having another one of those ESP moments or just seeing that the goals of the plan may not be what I wanted or even expected.


Despite the turmoil, the insomnia and the doubts I did graduate, again solidly in the middle of my class. The only joy of this period of school was that there was no perception of the overachiever, in a law school this really doesn't happen, its too competitive, and the joy of being arrogant and self absorbed in law school is that you fit right in with everyone else.

To University and Beyond

To paraphrase that great personal motivator, Buzz Lightyear, "to university and beyond". I had now past the trials of high school and was moving on to university, the plan was coming together but despite my work to get out of high school early my parents decided I was too young to go immediately on to university so I was going to be sent to my Aunt's in England to work for about a year. I know, what a punishment, your hearts bleed for me, being sent to a foreign country to travel and work for a year. You are right not exactly a huge sacrifice or example of parental abuse but it interfered with the plan and believe it or not I did not want to go, but that didn't matter so off I went to England.



I arrived at my Aunt's and as per instructions immediately was sent out to look for employment and amazingly enough obtained a job as a barman at a local pub. All and all I did my time, enjoyed it, made some friends that I have to this day, saw a little of the world, and then returned home now ready to go back to University. However, before that, one summer to get through and a friend to make that while I have lost touch with him over the years still stands as one of my best friends and whose antics still bring fond memories of this time of my life and in a small way played a part in the events that would change my life for the better while at the same time prove to bring about some of the biggest regrets of my life.



After returning home, it was back to the cottage and out to see what had changed in the better part of a year. Some things I knew about, as indicated, Chrystal was now a mother of a young son and living out of town, so I was on my own and went out to the local disco and ran into some female cousins and their friend from the city, Rob.



Now Rob was a different kind of guy, he was probably the sleaziest, chauvinistic, kind, outgoing, generous, crazy person that you could ever meet. We hit it off immediately. When I said he was sleazy and chauvinistic I meant it, yet at the same time he treated every woman I was to ever see him with with a general attitude of love and respect, the problems arose in that he always found them easily replaceable, I could never really reconcile these two things, he could pick up any girl and make her feel like a queen and mean it, then dispose of them without a second thought.



After this first meeting Rob and I hung out constantly, getting into trouble, chasing women and generally being guys. After the summer he had been offered a job in the city that I lived in so he moved there and I started university and we continued our rampage of discos and bars on an almost nightly basis, after all it was the 70's. Now you may think that since I had finally gotten to university and supposedly driven to be a lawyer, that this type of behaviour is contrary to my stated goals, and you would be right but that is the point, Roy and his demented demeanor got me to at least participate in life, something to a large extent I have avoided thus far except with some notable exceptions.



It was during this time I met Karen at the University, actually Rob and I had gone to a university residence party and while there I met Karen. She was attractive but not the most beautiful women in the room but there was something about Karen. She was about 5-6 years older than I was and had returned to school to study archeology as she had worked on an dig in Egypt the year before. She was blonde and about five foot nothing with a quiet strength and self assurance that literally shone from her. We talked and laughed and eventually ended back in her room, as I started to essentially make my move she stopped me and said "first nighters are generally one nighters".......I promptly asked her out for the next night much to her amusement. At this point dear reader, although unheard at the time there undoubtedly was another click as another part of my future fell into place and events set into motion that would again change my life.


For the next year we dated, she was an amazing and passionate person that was totally self assured, knowing what she wanted professionally, physically, intellectually and sexually. Needless to say it was, for the better part of a year both an enlightening and instructive time. Then it happened...



One night as we were lying in bed about 8 months into the relationship Karen told me she was pregnant and before I could react or say anything she told me I had two choices, I could make her have the child but only if I stayed around to help her raise the baby or she could get an abortion. You know you might think that after everything I have said prior to this point that the decision would have been easy and I would have been quick to take the option removing the so called problem, but the fact is much to my surprise that was not the case. I in fact tried to figure out a way we could do it. When I suggested this the look on her face was one of terror, as usual I was thinking of my plan not hers and when that became apparent the decision became clear and I went to the doctors with her and sat with her in the recovery room afterwords, we never spoke about it again and few months later she was chosen to go on another dig and while we would always be friends and connected in ways that I did not appreciate at the time, we parted, leaving me with what I always came to view as the biggest regret of my life. Unfortunately it was not to be the only one that I would acquire in my pursuant of the plan.



After this Rob and I threw ourselves back into the 70's , generally going to the bar at night to party all the while during the day I was moving on with the plan. Given the new three semester system at the university I had figured out a way to get my three year BA in two years, it would entail going to school year round with little break in between but it would allow me to make up my lost year in England. So basically I was living at home as the university was in my home town, working my butt off all day and partying with Rob most nights. Then on one of these nights out with Rob, I met Robin, in hindsight dear reader I believe I actually heard the click as another part of my future became locked in.



Robin again was a beauty, totally out of my league, a few years older than I , five foot two, green eyes, petite and to give you an idea, she always reminded me of Natalie Wood, and in fact looked much like her. She was quick to smile and laugh and had a class and style that was far beyond her years. One funny thing though, with her classic, conserative demeanor and style, her natural gate or walk was a strut, like a headlining stripper on her way to the pole. It was really quite sexy to watch, this classic beauty oozing such sexuality in her walk. It used to bug her but she couldn't stop it, you could always spot her walking in a crowd, a butterfly among bumblebees.



After this we were inseparable, even Rob allowed her to intrude into our friendship and accepted her like one of the guys. While she may have been one of the guys to Rob, our relationship was literally like a soppy movie. Drives in the country, days at amusement parks, nights of passion and belonging, but still the plan loomed.



We continued through school and despite my best efforts in some ways it resembled high school, the gift of gab allowed me to look smarter than I was and while my marks were again solidly in the middle I was the one asked to be leader for various professor sponsored projects and I was the one that others came to for help. To this day I have never figured this out as it was not something I sought or encouraged, in alot of cases I was just trying to make it through myself especially after the stresses of two years of non stop school started to get to me.



It was during this period that Robin said she loved me, this was still something I had a problem with, even Karen hadn't said she loved me. I remember the night and my silence and the look on her face. I remember explaining to her in some ways my fear, the plan and how I wasn't sure I could love her with this road ahead of me. She accepted this with a smile, that knowing smile that I swear is genetically specific to women.



We continued on and it was only her that got me through at times until we graduated. It would appear that the events to come would be clear but unfortunately as always with the plan nothing is that clear or easy. Due to the nature of the semester system we graduated about 6 or 7 months prior to admissions for any law school, so while I applied we both got jobs and worked, We were not living together, as at this point I was sharing an apartment with a Teaching Assistant named Abe, a character in this drama that I would come to regret.



I had not had a word from any law school admission offices and despite public perception I was not the shoo in everyone thought so I applied to the top ten law schools in the United Kingdom, after all if I got turned down at least I could say I was rejected by the best. Much to my surprise I was accepted by two of the top five, one of which happened to be in the same city as my Aunt in England. Rob at this point had gone back to college and being a bit of a math wiz raced through a commercial welding course and upon graduation got a job with the nuclear power authority in a neighbouring town, not to scare you but he lied about his experience on his application and his first job was checking welds on nuclear generators. Funny but very scary, I later learned that over the years he was so good at his job he travelled the world as a consultant.

As I had not heard from local schools I accepted the English one figuring I could always cancel or come back if necessary. The problem was that this meant leaving Robin, and as pathetic as it sounds, it was alright with me as the plan was the thing and nothing could interfere with that. I knew I would miss her but the sadness and regret that I knew I should have had was not there, something that perhaps writing this blog will help me understand.

About a month before I was to leave Robin came to the little restaurant where I was working as a bartender/waiter and told me that she was coming to England with me, no discussion, no permission being asked, she was simply coming with me. Dear reader I hope the depth of love and the willingness to sacrifice for that love is obvious to you here. Unfortunately at the time it wasn't to me. Same person, same problem in retrospect, because I couldn't understand how someone could love me especially that much either I didn't believe it or couldn't understand it. I see now of course that this love, like Chrystal's love was something to be cherished, I only wish I had seen it at the time.

I left in September and Robin joined me in October in England as I entered what I believed was the final phase of the plan.

Preamble

The beginning of a blog, I am over fifty, this is something new so I apologize in advance for the newbie clumsiness.

Before I get to the new stuff I think its important to give you the back story, the who is he, where did he come from sort of thing.

Born the first son of a lawyer and a school teacher, the lawyer demanding and semi distant, the teacher, passive aggressive in light of the lawyers strength of personality and personal insecurity's, other than than not a bad childhood, not privileged but comfortable not a genius but smart enough to fool those that weren't. Despite being the first and only son with two younger sisters I was placed in the position of constantly trying to prove myself to my father, while forced into the job of being my mother's confidant in the face of of her frustrations caused by the fact that passive aggressive doesn't matter to someone that has an overdeveloped sense of self entitlement.

I won't go into the childhood, it was average or just below, money while not thrown around was never an issue or at least from a kid's perspective, we always had what we needed and most of what we wanted but with depression era parents nothing was easy or free. School was the usual, always one of those kids on the cusp, start the first couple of days in the average class, moved to the bottom of the advanced class, just enough gab to make the cut. Always sounded smarter than I was, able to answer the question while the gifted kid dealt with his shyness and fear.

While thinking about the previous few paragraphs I was tempted to cut to high school, that bastion of adolescent terror and hormones, but in thinking about it the basics start in Grade Six, scary that the foundation of a life starts so early but as you will see dear reader decisions made then haunt me and set me on a path that has led me to the now, the crossroads so to speak.

Ok, Grade 6, not generally considered the the birthplace of the future but in my case, in its way, the beginning of the end or optimistically the middle. You see, decisions were made in Grade 6 and events happened that shaped my path whether by coincidence or design. First off, this is when people begin to ask you what you want to be, what you want to do with your life, kind of silly I know since back then the only thing I knew for sure is that I wanted a slot car set for Christmas, nevertheless the question was asked and I answered, I wanted to be a lawyer like my Dad.

So, you say, you wanted to be like your Dad, the one individual you were trying to please, big deal, what a surprise, you were in Grade 6, you could have said fireman, astronaut, who cares, aaah my friend you would normally be right, but as I think back on in it, in the light of the present, I heard a click, like a door locking as it closes, unnoticed but an irrevocably closed door just the same. When you go to a small school in a small town with kids that you will see every school day for years to come, people remember, they assume and its easier to let them, meet their expectations and walk the road always feeling you can take the next turn off whenever it comes, laziness and acceptance is an easy road to walk, it requires nothing but a nod and a smile.

Suffice it to say an immature, easy decision set events in motion that if you put up with these ramblings long enough you will see was and is in fact the beginning. Grade 6 held other milestones that illustrate the now.

I was, much to my quiet pride voted Master Courtesy by the teachers and students, a title awarded to someone that was polite, pleasing, held doors and helped others in the school without expectation of acknowledgement or reward. Pretty heady stuff as it was announced to the school, a point of pride and achievement.

So that great day leaving school anxiously thinking of the praise that would be heaped upon me for this achievement when I arrived home I started to walk, yes back in the 60's we walked to school to those readers to young to remember. As I approached the cross walk I received the geers of some of the other kids and one in particular, Glen. Yes I do remember his last name, its sad that I do, moments like this do stick in your mind, God knows why. In any event as we crossed the road he teased and ridiculed and then he pushed me again and again taunting me. I took it and I took it, after all I was Master Courtesy, then I pushed back and told him to stop and he punched me, it hurt but nothing serious and I walked home.

I arrived home and announced to my mother that I was Master Courtesy...., fireworks, drum rolls, gasps of delight, warm affirmation or just acknowledgement, I think you know where I am going with this. Needless to say after the lukewarm response, I got angry, the more I thought the angrier I got, so I walked back to the school and there was the source of my pain playing soccer. I walked up to him and punched him in the nose as hard as I could.....

After it was determined that his nose was not broken the Principal sent me home. I went home and when my father arrived I told him about being voted Master Courtesy, then about being hit and then going back and hitting Glen. I awaited my doom, and it never came, while my honour was dismissed as a middle school gimic the later punch was treated with praise, an appropriate action when dealing with aggression. Ok, I punched a bully, big deal, but even then I knew it was wrong, these events burned in my memory, for two reasons, I lost the title of Master Courtesy and more significantly it was the first and last time I ever raised my hand in anger or stood up for myself personally. And another door closed.

So dear readers, to recap, we have a Grade 6 student that has chosen a profession of confrontation while at the same time renouncing personal conflict. The plot thickens....

Cut to high school, there was Grade 7 and 8 but they were those years of conformity and puberty, the first kiss, the first girlfriend, and the desire to fit in and get more of the same, hormones are a bitch.