And Sisyphus Smiled

Upon my triumphant return from England, and it was triumphant, I had met expectations despite the problems, I had succeeded at least in my fathers eyes. I was now approaching the top of the mountain, the boulder seemingly lighter with every step. Then of course as I reached the top of the mountain the boulder mockingly teetered and rolled thundering down the other side of the mountain waiting to be pushed back up.


In real terms this means that upon returning home after graduating law school I found that the British Degree was not accepted in Ontario, I would either have to go to another Province or do one more year of school. The plan did not allow for this, the timetable and sacrifices to date did not permit delay, so I contacted some firms in British Columbia to inquire about articling positions, leaned into the boulder and once more started up the mountain.


Enough of the drama for now, I had been caught off guard but think I recovered quickly. I managed to get a position with a British Columbian Firm for my articles that would start the following spring which would give me time to get some rest, get my life together and drive west. As to life at home, not much changed, Chrystal was living with the father of her baby in Toronto, Robin had moved to the US with Abe and I still had the plan, a little battered, worn around the edges not so much an old friend but now more like an addiction, a need that had to be met. Hard to believe that all this started with a little decision in Grade 6.


In the spring of the next year I packed up my old Firebird with everything I own, my cousin who was going to Calgary and we were about to head west when I got a telephone call from Karen, I know what are the chances. It turns out she now lived in Calgary and when I told her I was heading west she asked me to call her when we arrived and we could get together for dinner, at which time I could meet her husband. Dear reader I am sure I don't have to tell you I was not exactly thrilled at the prospect of hearing about and seeing another life and love move on without me.


My cousin and I set off on the understanding that whoever drove got to listen to their own music, as my cousin was into German techno pop, you will understand when I ended up volunteering to drive most of the way across the country. When we arrived in Calgary I dropped off my cousin, called a couple of friends from Law School now living there and then Karen. I arranged to meet Karen and her husband for dinner and despite my desire not to like him, he was a great person, charming and intelligent, basically the kind of person I thought she would marry, if I ever thought she would marry given her free spirit and independent nature. We had a great dinner and I recounted the events of my years in England, perhaps not as thoroughly or dramatically as I have discussed them here but the highs and good times anyway. After dinner I went back to my hotel room alone steeling myself for the drive the next day into British Columbia. About midnight there was a knock on the door and when I opened it there stood Karen, crying, not for herself, not due to any fight she may have had with her husband but as I was to find out, for me. Please don't get me wrong, the dinner conversation was not depressing, actually it was just your general lighthearted dinner with an old friend. Thus as she started to tell me why she was upset I was very surprised. I guess in knowing me, she saw through the laughs and excitement about the future and in a word saw the changes in me and perhaps the price I had paid for my plan and it upset her.


The next part of my story is, well kind of hard to explain and despite her assurances at the time I was not then or now totally comfortable with what happened. As you are probably assuming she spent the night with me and gave me a night of comfort and love that perhaps let me hope that the loves that I had lost were still possible and I was not beyond redemption As to her husband she explained that they had an open relationship and he knew she was with me, that they had married for the future on the understanding that they could both live and explore their present lives. Did I believe it, maybe, it was in keeping with everything I knew about her, did I want to believe it, yes and while it always bothered me, it is a night I still cherish.

You may now have noticed that for some reason my life and those in it somehow keep moving in and out again as illustrated by Karen. I don't know why this happens as I never instigated these returns, its not something I ever thought about seriously before and I have never really heard or seen it in other peoples lives. I mention this now because when you write all this stuff out the patterns in your life begin to become apparent and to tell the truth there will be further and more dramatic returns as the story continues.


The next morning I was back on the road this time on my own, twelve hours of non-stop driving, reflection, introspection, planning, one speeding ticket, and in the end virtual delirium from fatigue but I made it.


I made it to the coast and started my articles with the new firm, the next step to finishing the plan, the beginning of the end in more ways than one.

I had grown up around law firms, worked in my father's as everything from a janitor to a litigation clerk as well as with other firms as a researcher and assistant but to be honest I had never seen then or to date such a bigger collection of pompous, self absorbed, stuffed shirts in my life. This given my proclivity for being totally self absorbed and insensitive to the feelings of those around me, is saying quite abit. However, this didn't matter, I just had to finish my articles and get called to the bar and I was done.

On my first day I showed up, bright eyed and bushy tailed, wearing the new three hundred dollar pin striped suit my father had bought me before I left. I should point out that at th is time a three hundred dollar suit was a serious suit, so I was feeling pretty good about myself. I arrived and was met by the senior partner who welcomed me, introduced me to everyone, showed me around and before leaving me to my own devices advised me that they were not some corduroy sport jacket law firm and I should go out and get a decent suit, he then gave me the address of his tailor and left. I was dumbstruck but obediently went to the tailor and spent a thousand dollars on a new suit, to date the most expensive suit I ever owned, hell at the time the suit cost almost as much as my car. You think I may have seen the warning signs at this point but again like love the plan is blind and generally not to bright.

I went to work determined to succeed and in doing so became friends with one of the junior partners, Dean, a good guy that while agreeing with my opinion as to the nature and character of his associates, had his own plan and with that common bond educated me in the basics of how to get along and get by.

As an articling student you are basically a gopher, you do what you are told, when you are told and don't ask questions, hopefully learning something along the way. I realized as time went that not only was I not being asked to do allot by anyone except Dean, I wasn't even seeing anyone other than Dean, so contrary to custom and convention I made an appointment with the senior administrative partner and quietly, meekly and politely asked if there was a problem and why wasn't I being given much to do. I was told there was no reason and to just keep working with Dean. Within a day I was summoned to the senior partner's office, kind of an audience with the king. Upon sitting down in the grand corner office, his first words to me were, "can't you take a hint" Now, dear reader I had been working here by this point for six months with no problems, no criticism and little direction so I was a bit confused, but given the tone and the obvious fact that I was there a day after the previous meeting something was up. I again politely but perhaps a little more defiantly responded to this rather vague question, with the words "I guess not, whats the hint". I was then told that they wanted me to quit, no reason, no explanation, just the suggestion that I quit. I of course said no and was promptly dismissed from his presence.

That afternoon, I met Dean and described the events of the past couple of days. After he finished choking on his beer and laughing, he asked in disbelief if I had really just said no to the grand pooba and when I told him yes he just started laughing again and explaining to me that it was probably the first time the guy had heard the word in respect to his demands. He then went on to tell me that things would get pretty cold around the firm and that I should just keep my head down and wait out the next months because the firm probably would not have the nerve not to sign the ariticling completion documents. I took his advice to a point as what he said was true, even the secretaries barely spoke to me and were always to busy to do my work. However, in addition to keeping my head down, I began to essentially run my own law practice from their offices, using Dean as supervisor. I began to do lesser files and legal aid files on my own all the time keeping notes as to my contact with the partners and my time spent in the office.

As the deadline for articles approached I told Dean that I didn't think they were going to sign the papers and if that was the case I was going to go to the law society. I should mention that most lawyers no matter how good would prefer that the society not even know that they exist, its kind of an inherent paranoia based on the knowledge that no contact with the society can end well. Dealing with the law society is viewed like dealling with a vicious dog, you don't make any sudden movements and avoid eye contact. Given this prevailing point of view the suggestion did not go over well and he again denied that the firm would refuse to complete my articles and as such I should leave it alone. This advice I did not take and without anyone's knowledge I forwarded my outline of events and my notebooks to the society.

After this a few things happened at once, the first was that during the week that the papers were to be signed I was involved in a criminal negligence causing death trial, after all I had been running my own practice for a while now from their offices and part of that involves trials. However, I was supposed to be supervised and given the atmosphere around the office I was not. After being out of the office for three days Dean called me and asked me where I had been for the past three days and I told him that I was going into my last day of a four day trial on criminal negligence. He almost had a heart attack, due to the fact that I had been doing it on my own combined with the fact that a representative from the society was attending the next day due to the firms now apparent refusal to sign the articling papers. His health was not further improved when I advised him that despite his advice to leave things alone I had been sending my logs to the society for months in anticipation of this refusal by the firm.

The next day we were all at the courthouse, me, to finish the trial, Dean came to watch and give the impression he had been aware of my attendance for days, the law society representative and one of the senior partners all showed up for the finale. I finished my closing statements to the judge as did the prosecutor and the judge retired to make his decision.

To say things were a bit tense at this point is an understatement, the credibility of the firm to some extent was hanging on the decision almost as much as my client's life, they had criticized my abilities without spending the time to discover if I had any.

Finally the judge returned and for the first time after years of following the plan, blindly plodding forward I discovered that I was actually good at this stuff. The judge promptly acquitted my client while specifically praising both my conduct of the file, my demeanor in the court, my sensitivity to the issues and specifically stating that if he had not been told I was an articling student he would have thought I was counsel with years of experience. I was thrilled, the law society representative was showing his displeasure to the senior partner, the senior partner was looking like a deer in the headlights, Dean was doing his best not to break down in fits of hysterical laughter, and Sisyphus smiled and leaned into the boulder once more.

After a brief and formal hearing where it was discovered that after hiring me the senior partners had lost a small fortune in real estate and could not afford an articling student, the firm was disciplined and I was called to the bar, the plan was completed.

I had made it but what was I going to do, after all the plan was over and I hadn't thought about what came next.

During all the events outlined above something else happened that to tell the truth at the time I did not think about as a serious or as one of those moments that could have changed my life. In retrospect it probably was not only the plan that stopped me from realizing this fact then and let me go on to the present without realizing the potential importance of the moment but also the fact that as far as relationships were concerned I had essentially given up hope.

While plodding through my articles and before the trouble started I received a telephone call, not from Karen this time, but from Robin. She was calling me to tell me that she was divorcing Abe because he had become physically abusive and had hit her on a few occasions, she wanted some advice as to the divorce. At the time I told her that I didn't know anything about American divorces and she should get a lawyer there. After years of assuming that this was all this call was about it has as of late dawned on me that my insecure self absorption probably missed the chance to get her back. She had no need to call me in British Columbia about an American divorce, there was no reason for her to call me about the divorce at all. If there had been no interest why would she have called to let me know she was now on her own and Abe had shown his true colours. Again the gold ring in my life circled by and as usual I was looking the other way or was just too dumb to see it. As you may be noticing dear reader this is getting to be a trend.

Law School, A Plan Comes Together

I had made it to Law School, not the school I planned to go to but at least one that had a little prestige and not only that, I had a woman that loved me and was willing to sacrifice part of her life to show that love and to be with me, could things get better, unlikely, could I screw it up...... undoubtedly!


When I got to England I was excited, law school the long planned for achievement, not only was I far enough from home that the pressure and expectations of my father would be minimized or at least delayed, I would be the novelty, the only Canadian at the school.

The fact is when I arrived in September and went to the orientation, much to my shock and surprise I was up to my ass in Canadians. There had to be at least 15 Canadians from various parts of the country and various backgrounds. Guys like me that accepted the first law school that accepted them, sons and brothers of Supreme Court Justices and lawyers. It did give me pause, was this a really good school despite the explanation that I used to justify my attendance or was I like the doctors son going to Acme University for his medical degree because he couldn't get into a real school, I decided on the first and hoped it wasn't the latter. Nevertheless, I was there, this was law school and Robin was on her way.


The apartment I rented was not exactly the Ritz, actually nothing unusual for a student, it was part of a row house on a street near the school, its own little living room and kitchen, stairs to the shared bathroom and separate bedroom shared with the landlord, not a bad guy who was a widowed steel worker looking to cut his expenses. It was alright for me but when Robin arrived it definitely had to be changed as it was too cold and damp which of course was true but while we were there it was the adventure that I guess we both wanted despite freezing our butts off. As we got used to the damp weather, we had fun and the future if not the weather looked bright.


It was October, Robin had arrived and school had started, we got a new little apartment clean and warmer if not warm, Robin got a job that she enjoyed and as stated the adventure had begun. You would think I would remember it clearly, the school, my life with Robin, the dream coming true but the truth of the matter is a remember very little of this first year until part of the dream ended, from that point my recollection seem clear and the regret painful still.


We were involved in the school and with the other Canadians as well as the locals, we had friends from both groups and a great social life, school was hard and like most first year law students we all thought we knew everything, and could solve any problem. I was consumed by the work, it wasn't easy but it was part of what I had worked whole life towards and I was doing it, however as I was doing it Robin fell into the shadow, probably not the first time this has ever happened in the world but given the sacrifices she had made for me it was nothing but wrong. There was no indications of a problem, no fights, no tears, she stood by me supported me and loved me, I as usual was just too self absorbed to see what was happening.

Then I got a letter from Karen. Now Robin new about Karen, our past relationship and that we were now friends that rarely saw each other or even spoke, she didn't know about the abortion but she knew there was an unspoken connection. She never indicated or mentioned any problem about the friendship nor did I think anything of it when I told her that Karen was stopping over in London on her way to a dig in Isreal and wanted to meet in a couple of months.


There was no problem, no fight and I would like to say that when Robin said she was going home for a couple of weeks that I didn't suspect there was a problem, but I think then and from hindsight now, I knew there was.


About a month later I was on the train to the airport with Robin, we were both quiet and didn't say much except that we would miss each other. If I could ever have a "do over" moment this would be it, that hour on the train, to get down on my knees and beg her not to leave, and in thinking about it I really think she was waiting for me to do it, the final test, the confirmation of that I loved her even though I wouldn't say it. But I didn't, I would like, dear reader at this point to be able to give you some deep and meaningful reason why I didn't, some newly discovered psyhcological deficiency or impediment to my not stating the obvious, but the truth is I was simply a self absorbed idiot that found it easier to accept things at face value that didn't shake up my plan than look to the obvious feelings and pain that I was causing.

She left, and as I called for the next couple of weeks to find out when she was coming back it got harder and harder to get hold of her, then when I did and we were talking I had one of my rare flashes of light or ESP moments and I out of the blue asked how long she had been dating Abe.


I mentioned Abe earlier as my roommate in my last year of University, he was a teaching assistant in the Political Science department, older by about ten years, called a mature student. He was a nice guy, basically full of baloney in that he told me he was ex US army intelligence and spun stories of special missions in Vietnam. I never really believed the stories as he was not the type, tall and big enough but basically a big dork but as guys will do, I just ignores the baloney and went with the flow.


After saying this to Robin there was a few moments of silence and then quietly and hesitantly she asked how I knew......and my world crashed down, I didn't know and don't know why I asked, it had just occurred to me.


The next couple of months past in a blur, I walked through life, perhaps realizing to some small extent the loss that I had just suffered if not the full extent, I did my exams and went home for the summer and to meet and talk to Robin. I had met with Karen, gone to some museums, had a nice lunch, nothing passionate or dramatic, just an afternoon with a friend, another small decision with big consequences. Not the sole reason for the problem but I guess it was the last straw.

I got home and immediately contacted Robin and we met in a local park to talk, she told me how Abe had said I had cheated on her constantly, how I knew I would never stay with her. All untrue but I guess given her insecurities, my fear of telling her I loved her and my self absorbed allegiance to the plan it gave the lies substance and he got apparently what he had wanted for years and I had provided him the opportunity. Did I argue, fight, cry, beg, no, did I deny the lies, yes for all the good that did. We simply said a loving goodbye with a hug. Yes dear reader I was an idiot again and would be again as far as Robin was concerned but if it is any consolation to you, "karma is a bitch"



I walked through that summer in kind of a daze, and then returned to England to follow the plan, always the plan, not too warm at night, but a comfort just the same. It was that at this point that the plan started to get a bit old, my determination a bit weak, my outlook a bit jaded so like any good underachiever I subconsciously if not consciously set about sabotaging myself. Please don't misunderstand, I did not burn my books and discard the plan, I simply made another small decision. I went out on a Friday night, just a block from my house a new restaurant bar, kind of a miniature Hard Rock Cafe. This was a time when fancy cocktails were coming to England and grilled burgers and steaks were all the rage. Someone had opened a small version down the street, called Arnie's American Restaurant and I decided to go there on the opening night to have a burger and a Margarita. I went in and ordered my meal and drink and got a hockey puck on a bun with a glass of lemon juice and tequila. Needless to say I was not quiet about my dissatisfaction, not rude just naturedly critical. They asked if I could do better and given my previous bar and restaurant experienced I said yes. After a night of mixing drinks and showing the kitchen how to grill a burger and make chili I was hired as a part time manager of what was to become a local jet set hangout.


So lets recap, going to law school by day, now working at what was rapidly becoming a jet set hangout, rubbing elbows with rock stars and the rich, new friends, new women and good money too boot, sounds cool and it was. The problem of course is the plan allows for no distractions and law school even less, so of course despite the extra money, the lifestyle had me spending much more than I was making and despite being allowed to schedule my time around school the work it began to suffer and the expectations and pressures of my father that initially were distant or delayed now got very close and immediate. I wasn't failing but the marks had dropped and money was going fast, things that even the most patient of parents would not tolerate and needless to say my father not being that patient made his presence known. Ultimatums were given, the job was abandoned and the plan reinstated in all its obsessive glory.



In hindsight and in light of future events not yet discussed here, I may have been depressed. The loss of Robin affecting me more than I was willing to admit, self medicating myself on alcohol and a champagne lifestyle, sabotaging school as a self inflicted punishment for letting her go, or I could have just been an idiot again, that periodic and chronic affliction of the underachiever.



During this period there were relationships or perhaps more accurately stated as extended acquaintances. Nothing serious, and at worst perhaps a series of sexual adventures . I was in school and I had if nothing else convinced myself that I had been right, that the plan was the important thing and love was counterproductive.


Also during this period I, despite my commitment to the plan, began to get an idea of what I was getting into, realizing that rather than setting myself free I was building a cage, maybe a gold cage, a fancy cage, but still a cage. I have looked at some notebooks from this period and in reading them noticed there is a slight preoccupation with the story of Sisyphus, the Greek myth about a man that due to his hubris nature, lack of understanding of others and his trickery is punished by the Gods. The punishment in its various guises was to push a boulder up a mountain for eternity only to see it fall to the bottom of the other side upon reaching the summit, an excercise in eternal frustration. Maybe I was having another one of those ESP moments or just seeing that the goals of the plan may not be what I wanted or even expected.


Despite the turmoil, the insomnia and the doubts I did graduate, again solidly in the middle of my class. The only joy of this period of school was that there was no perception of the overachiever, in a law school this really doesn't happen, its too competitive, and the joy of being arrogant and self absorbed in law school is that you fit right in with everyone else.

To University and Beyond

To paraphrase that great personal motivator, Buzz Lightyear, "to university and beyond". I had now past the trials of high school and was moving on to university, the plan was coming together but despite my work to get out of high school early my parents decided I was too young to go immediately on to university so I was going to be sent to my Aunt's in England to work for about a year. I know, what a punishment, your hearts bleed for me, being sent to a foreign country to travel and work for a year. You are right not exactly a huge sacrifice or example of parental abuse but it interfered with the plan and believe it or not I did not want to go, but that didn't matter so off I went to England.



I arrived at my Aunt's and as per instructions immediately was sent out to look for employment and amazingly enough obtained a job as a barman at a local pub. All and all I did my time, enjoyed it, made some friends that I have to this day, saw a little of the world, and then returned home now ready to go back to University. However, before that, one summer to get through and a friend to make that while I have lost touch with him over the years still stands as one of my best friends and whose antics still bring fond memories of this time of my life and in a small way played a part in the events that would change my life for the better while at the same time prove to bring about some of the biggest regrets of my life.



After returning home, it was back to the cottage and out to see what had changed in the better part of a year. Some things I knew about, as indicated, Chrystal was now a mother of a young son and living out of town, so I was on my own and went out to the local disco and ran into some female cousins and their friend from the city, Rob.



Now Rob was a different kind of guy, he was probably the sleaziest, chauvinistic, kind, outgoing, generous, crazy person that you could ever meet. We hit it off immediately. When I said he was sleazy and chauvinistic I meant it, yet at the same time he treated every woman I was to ever see him with with a general attitude of love and respect, the problems arose in that he always found them easily replaceable, I could never really reconcile these two things, he could pick up any girl and make her feel like a queen and mean it, then dispose of them without a second thought.



After this first meeting Rob and I hung out constantly, getting into trouble, chasing women and generally being guys. After the summer he had been offered a job in the city that I lived in so he moved there and I started university and we continued our rampage of discos and bars on an almost nightly basis, after all it was the 70's. Now you may think that since I had finally gotten to university and supposedly driven to be a lawyer, that this type of behaviour is contrary to my stated goals, and you would be right but that is the point, Roy and his demented demeanor got me to at least participate in life, something to a large extent I have avoided thus far except with some notable exceptions.



It was during this time I met Karen at the University, actually Rob and I had gone to a university residence party and while there I met Karen. She was attractive but not the most beautiful women in the room but there was something about Karen. She was about 5-6 years older than I was and had returned to school to study archeology as she had worked on an dig in Egypt the year before. She was blonde and about five foot nothing with a quiet strength and self assurance that literally shone from her. We talked and laughed and eventually ended back in her room, as I started to essentially make my move she stopped me and said "first nighters are generally one nighters".......I promptly asked her out for the next night much to her amusement. At this point dear reader, although unheard at the time there undoubtedly was another click as another part of my future fell into place and events set into motion that would again change my life.


For the next year we dated, she was an amazing and passionate person that was totally self assured, knowing what she wanted professionally, physically, intellectually and sexually. Needless to say it was, for the better part of a year both an enlightening and instructive time. Then it happened...



One night as we were lying in bed about 8 months into the relationship Karen told me she was pregnant and before I could react or say anything she told me I had two choices, I could make her have the child but only if I stayed around to help her raise the baby or she could get an abortion. You know you might think that after everything I have said prior to this point that the decision would have been easy and I would have been quick to take the option removing the so called problem, but the fact is much to my surprise that was not the case. I in fact tried to figure out a way we could do it. When I suggested this the look on her face was one of terror, as usual I was thinking of my plan not hers and when that became apparent the decision became clear and I went to the doctors with her and sat with her in the recovery room afterwords, we never spoke about it again and few months later she was chosen to go on another dig and while we would always be friends and connected in ways that I did not appreciate at the time, we parted, leaving me with what I always came to view as the biggest regret of my life. Unfortunately it was not to be the only one that I would acquire in my pursuant of the plan.



After this Rob and I threw ourselves back into the 70's , generally going to the bar at night to party all the while during the day I was moving on with the plan. Given the new three semester system at the university I had figured out a way to get my three year BA in two years, it would entail going to school year round with little break in between but it would allow me to make up my lost year in England. So basically I was living at home as the university was in my home town, working my butt off all day and partying with Rob most nights. Then on one of these nights out with Rob, I met Robin, in hindsight dear reader I believe I actually heard the click as another part of my future became locked in.



Robin again was a beauty, totally out of my league, a few years older than I , five foot two, green eyes, petite and to give you an idea, she always reminded me of Natalie Wood, and in fact looked much like her. She was quick to smile and laugh and had a class and style that was far beyond her years. One funny thing though, with her classic, conserative demeanor and style, her natural gate or walk was a strut, like a headlining stripper on her way to the pole. It was really quite sexy to watch, this classic beauty oozing such sexuality in her walk. It used to bug her but she couldn't stop it, you could always spot her walking in a crowd, a butterfly among bumblebees.



After this we were inseparable, even Rob allowed her to intrude into our friendship and accepted her like one of the guys. While she may have been one of the guys to Rob, our relationship was literally like a soppy movie. Drives in the country, days at amusement parks, nights of passion and belonging, but still the plan loomed.



We continued through school and despite my best efforts in some ways it resembled high school, the gift of gab allowed me to look smarter than I was and while my marks were again solidly in the middle I was the one asked to be leader for various professor sponsored projects and I was the one that others came to for help. To this day I have never figured this out as it was not something I sought or encouraged, in alot of cases I was just trying to make it through myself especially after the stresses of two years of non stop school started to get to me.



It was during this period that Robin said she loved me, this was still something I had a problem with, even Karen hadn't said she loved me. I remember the night and my silence and the look on her face. I remember explaining to her in some ways my fear, the plan and how I wasn't sure I could love her with this road ahead of me. She accepted this with a smile, that knowing smile that I swear is genetically specific to women.



We continued on and it was only her that got me through at times until we graduated. It would appear that the events to come would be clear but unfortunately as always with the plan nothing is that clear or easy. Due to the nature of the semester system we graduated about 6 or 7 months prior to admissions for any law school, so while I applied we both got jobs and worked, We were not living together, as at this point I was sharing an apartment with a Teaching Assistant named Abe, a character in this drama that I would come to regret.



I had not had a word from any law school admission offices and despite public perception I was not the shoo in everyone thought so I applied to the top ten law schools in the United Kingdom, after all if I got turned down at least I could say I was rejected by the best. Much to my surprise I was accepted by two of the top five, one of which happened to be in the same city as my Aunt in England. Rob at this point had gone back to college and being a bit of a math wiz raced through a commercial welding course and upon graduation got a job with the nuclear power authority in a neighbouring town, not to scare you but he lied about his experience on his application and his first job was checking welds on nuclear generators. Funny but very scary, I later learned that over the years he was so good at his job he travelled the world as a consultant.

As I had not heard from local schools I accepted the English one figuring I could always cancel or come back if necessary. The problem was that this meant leaving Robin, and as pathetic as it sounds, it was alright with me as the plan was the thing and nothing could interfere with that. I knew I would miss her but the sadness and regret that I knew I should have had was not there, something that perhaps writing this blog will help me understand.

About a month before I was to leave Robin came to the little restaurant where I was working as a bartender/waiter and told me that she was coming to England with me, no discussion, no permission being asked, she was simply coming with me. Dear reader I hope the depth of love and the willingness to sacrifice for that love is obvious to you here. Unfortunately at the time it wasn't to me. Same person, same problem in retrospect, because I couldn't understand how someone could love me especially that much either I didn't believe it or couldn't understand it. I see now of course that this love, like Chrystal's love was something to be cherished, I only wish I had seen it at the time.

I left in September and Robin joined me in October in England as I entered what I believed was the final phase of the plan.

High School

I have read my previous post, edited it a few times to try to avoid sounding too whiny and in doing so think that the chronological approach to this blog isn't working and not conveying the things I want to get across. So with that in mind as this is my first blog, while I will deal with the issues I will simply review the incidents or events that will shape or form a foundation for what is to come which suffice it to say would be enough material to keep Jerry Springer busy for years, never mind Dr. Phil and Oprah.



High school in the 70's I don't think was any different that it is now, the technology is different, eight tracks to Ipods, the desires, fears and goals are definitely the same, perhaps less innocence now than then, maybe more limits to behaviour not because we didn't feel the same frustrations just that we never considered guns and and bombs as an option. I guess that is the sad testament to our times that the adult options of violence and death have percolated down.



In the 70's we simply were unaware that we had missed the free love of the 60's and didn't realize the fear to come in the 80's at least as far as sex was concerned and after all when you come right down to it the desire to fit in, to be popular, to at least not be invisible always came down to sex, for both the guys and girls, getting the best boyfriends and girlfriends....any boyfriend or girlfriend, all part of fitting in, but still we did have disco.

Its too bad that I or we didn't know at the time that whether you fit in at high school, were popular, or were even visible doesn't matter as far as life is concerned. Its an educational day prison, a right of passage, the dark before the dawn, how many psyches would be saved, violent outbursts avoided if we simply let Grade 9 students know that it just doesn't matter. Do your work and forget the rest because the popular cheerleader stands as much chance of being a divorced mother of two living in public housing as you do, that the top jock can end up in a dead end job cheating on his wife and hating his life as much as you did in high school. The point being that high school is not life it is simply the waiting room, life starts afterwards, if you make high school your life you can never escape it because its not real and will never happen again. If I was going to give any advice to anyone that may read this about high school I would recall the old movie, Meatballs, with Bill Murray, when he was discussing a inter camp competition and he got his campers to chant IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER, over and over again. It doesn't, if you go to college, nobody cares about your high school, if you go to work they care even less, so just go, do your work the best you can, if you have a friend as dorky as you, appreciate him or her, if you can't get a date, deal with it, there's always college or nightclubs, do your time, get what you can from it and get out, its not worth the energy to get upset about because IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER.



Now the I have waxed philosophically I will talk about my time in high school, not that I discovered the above at that time rather avoided it out of a combination of luck and apathy. You see while I had all the desire to fit in and be popular, I for the most part was what I describe as a nine to fiver at high school. I'm not a jock although I joined the ski team, not because I am the greatest skier, nobody on the team was, the teacher in charge was a partyer and we generally went to the meets on the basis that if everyone got down the hill we could win team points challenges, generally we just joined to have an excuse to go skiing during school hours, when we got old enough to drink, eighteen at the time, the party became more interesting and it got harder for everyone to get down the hill, although it did work for a while, we never won a race but because all the serious overachievers kept falling, we won one or two team awards. That was the extent of my athletic endeavours.



When I started at school like everyone I wanted to fit in so being the 70's I wanted to be cool so of course I went dressed appropriately, large bell bottomed jeans, platform boots, satin shirt, and red serge Mountie jacket and the mandatory long hair, kind of a Sargent Pepper wannabe. Kind of a strange visual I know, but believe it or not I was fairly cool, especially in the fall when I added the bear skin stole (3 foot long wrap) out of the Halloween box, forgive me I was a budding fashonista. I had friends, the usual clique, not jocks, not band, not tokers, not gear heads, not nerds, sound familiar, just kids that were left over, we hung out, ate lunch together that was about it. We weren't the beautiful people, we weren't the smartest, we were just us, we didn't even hang out on the weekends that much, I guess it was a survival thing.



While I had the usual universal desires and insecurities that haunt all high school students, I had them to a lesser degree as I at least managed to blend in, and given the outfit that is scary in itself, and had a group of others that did the same, further to that as I said I was a nine to fiver, in other words I had a place to go on the weekends.

My parents had a cottage in my father's home town and I had an uncle that travelled the 3 hours there every Friday and returned every Sunday so I left and went to a town comprised mainly of relatives, my father had 16 brothers and sisters all with 3 to 4 kids of their own, my age or slightly older. I fit in easily of course you couldn't sneeze without a cousin or uncle reporting it, thus the pressure was off, except if you did anything wrong, then everyone knew.

It was a resort town, lots of lakes and rivers, ski hills and tourists, and tourists daughters, perfect for a hormone addicted 15 year old while unknowingly providing a sanctuary from the inherent pressures of high school. You should note that no matter how I appear to you at this point I was generally a fairly responsible kid, abject fear of your father will do that, anyway on most of these trips I was on my own and I kept the peace, or at least tried, I didn't burn the place down and to my knowledge over the years nobody got pregnant. Now that the basics have been disclosed it brings me to the various incidents that in hindsight have brought me to where I am now.



By the time I entered high school the decisions of Grade 6 had taken hold, I still wanted to be a lawyer, I believed because it was what I wanted to be, not just because my father was a lawyer, but again simple decisions make for an easy road especially when the goal was so socially acceptable, not like I was planning to be a rock star or a super hero. I was going to conform, have a profession, be a pillar of the community The present problem was that I was in high school and my initial goals were to fit in, have friends and get layed, someday, somehow with someone, quite frankly anyone. These lofty goals do not seem so tough now but at the time they were akin to climbing Everest without oxygen.



So now its time to tell you what happened, as discussed above I am going to discuss various incidents and while I will try to keep it chronological some things overlapped so the incidents or events will be the focus not the time.

The first year of high school was nothing exciting, just classes and going to the cottage on the weekends, in the winter going skiing and chasing girls, not in the smooth stud kind of way, or in the obsessive stalker kind of way, more like a dog chasing cars, not knowing what to do with it if he caught it, this also sums of my level of success, some crushes and a few kisses. Then came the summer.

In the summers I hung out with my cousin Dave, later to be known as Disco Dave, not an insult at the time, but I digress. Two guys driven to have sex, but unsure of what it was and how to go about it, so like most teens with the attention span of houseflies, we gave up and just hung out, waterskiing, playing lacrosse and going fishing. During this time we met Tim and Tom, twin brothers that were new in town that started to hang out with us. We went out in my Dad's boat and lived a teenage dream life, in between working at my uncle's garage pumping gas of course, after all every dream has a price.

Then I met Donna, sister to Tim and Tom and things changed, sort of....maybe....I think.

Donna was taller than I was, a year older than I was and definitely more experienced than I was, not to say that she was not an innocent, it was just that like most girls she had a clue, while like most teenage boys I knew she had something I wanted I just didn't know what it was.

So as the weeks went by we kissed and petted, slow and tentative not knowing where it was going, then one night she said to me she wanted to do it........you can almost hear the drumroll. Well I was kind of put on the spot, she was assuming that I may have done it before, and in fact that I knew how to do it. Of course the answer to both questions was no.

To skip to the chase there was alot of fumbling around, heavy breathing and then a mess, not exactly the first time story that appears in the romance novels especially as it was followed by mind numbing fear.

After the deed I walked home, clearly convinced that the next day she would appear at my door with a baby, as Bill Cosby once said, the kid would appear like a Polaroid picture, snap, click.....daddy. The next morning I was working, pumping gas as I watched my cousin Dave running up the main street towards me, the fear returned, he was obviously coming to tell me I was a father, the game was up, life was over. He ran up to me and said "did you her about Donnna" to say that I almost had a heart attack is an understatement. Ok, what, I said, bracing for the news, he then went on to tell me that at 5 in the morning after her father had gone to work, her mother had a moving van show up, loaded up all the furniture in the house and left, quite literally never to be seen again. I know now the reaction was wrong, insensitive and chauvinistic but just the same, the clouds parted, the sun shone down and the angels sang.

You would think that this taught me a lesson wouldn't you..... ya right.

The next day cousin Dave and I were out in my Dad's boat, cruising past the Town dock and we saw a girl that we had seen numerous times before, Chrystal. to say Chrystal was out of our league is like saying we had a shot at Raquel Welsh whenever we chose to get around to it.

Chrystal was what was called locally a "dock rat", one of those kids that swam off the Town dock. Not an insult, just one of those local designations that stick in a small town. She was a vision, not just a teenage memory or gilding the lily, by any and all objective standards she was an incredible beauty, long strawberry blonde hair down the middle of her back, the unblemished face of an angel and a body at fifteen that would bring the saints to tears for a life wasted in chastity.

As we slowly moved by the dock, trying to watch her in her pink bikini and not be as obvious as everyone else watching her, she dove in the water, swam up to the boat and said hello. I would like to say I was cool and controlled but quite frankly as you would expect I was reduced to a silent puddle of flesh and hormones, although Dave saved the day by asking if she wanted to go for a boat ride. She accepted, with her friend of course, Doreen, I don't remember Doreen much as I couldn't take my eyes of Chrystal and honestly it would have been impossible for any girl to look attractive or even be remembered when standing beside her.

Within a week much to my amazement then and now, Chrystal and I were dating and continued to date from age 15 to 20 on and off and on and off, a series of events that will be discussed shortly. However at the risk of getting too far ahead but in an effort to again show you dear reader how even the smallest decisions can change things and shape your life forever, I will let you know that Chrystal is the mother of my now 9 year old son, but I will get to that later.

Back to age 15, I had hit the home run, to to say I was feeling pretty good about myself was an understatement and despite the usual teenage insecurities and my growing parentally induced self esteem issues, I was riding pretty high.

About two weeks later my time had come or as I was to find out thirty five years later, our time had come. Our first time was not unusual, not something out of a romance novel, the usual teenage petting and fear, but all the same consummated for sure this time. It was again not my idea, not the result of a pre-determined path or a smooth seduction but again her idea, her determination that she loved me and wanted this to happen. This is important because it is the first time someone other than my family had said they loved me, and to be honest it wasn't something heard in the family that often. In hindsight its a interesting concept and I have thought for years as to my feelings at the time and at later times when the words were said to me and it is my honest belief that I didn't believe it then or later, not to say that I took advantage of her feelings, which I guess in a way I did, but it wasn't conscious, I think that while I heard it, and accepted it, I just couldn't for some reason believe that someone that beautiful could or would love me.

This relationship as it proceeded can be described in many ways, passionate, on again off again, tumultuous, or just somewhat strange. We spent the next years as I traveled to the cottage weekends and holidays either making love or fighting, waiting to make love or to fight.

Its funny how we always assume that beautiful things or beautiful people are perfect simply by the fact of their beauty, not to say that there was anything wrong with her, she was simply like the rest of us, insecure, she didn't see her beauty, the staring eyes and sighs as she walked by, she was simply Chrystal and she loved me, she was also jealous of me, possessive of me and resented the fact that I had to leave during the week, was driven to be a lawyer, that I would go away to school and certainly leave her someday. In hindsight, she was right, I was driven, there was the plan, the decision was made and there was no room for variation or compromise. Chrystal's reaction was to breakup with me every Sunday and call me back every Friday when I came up, kind of silly, now understandable and during the summers well it was just on and off depending on mood and events. Some of these breaks were longer than others and as we got older other relationships intervened as our goals were worlds apart.

I always believed that Chrystal wanted to get married and pregnant, not necessarily in that order and this didn't fit with my plans, funny how trying to fit the relationship to the plan was never a consideration. Despite her beauty, her love for me, her determination to force my hand I never considered this a forever thing the priority was always the plan. Did I love her, I don't know, did I care for her, yes, did I want her yes, within the limits, the question arises did my disbelief of her love for no good reason other than my own insecurities make me incapable of loving her or anyone else.

As I approached University, the relationship broke down again and this time she went out with someone else and got pregnant. I was always amazed that I had never gotten her pregnant even though it was one of my greatest fears, its not as if we took any reasonable precautions, dumb and lucky. Nine months later I heard she was giving birth and went to the hospital, I didn't see her but stood at the nursery and looked at her new son Jacob, and while it did cross my mind that he could have been mine if things were different, I knew that I had to keep moving to achieve the goals I had set so long ago.

Another part of high school dear reader is going to be a bit hard to reconcile with the above and while it only lasted about a year its hard to explain whether it was simply an alternative attempt to fit in or belong to something or an attempt to explore who I was, I don't know, so I will simply tell you what happened.

As I have said the 70's while not that different from the present did have their moments, after all we were coming out of the 60's a time of rebellion and self discovery, free love, drugs and communes, all experiments in life. First off, I was never into the drugs, like any high school then and now, they were not hard to come by, chemicals scared me and indicated a loss of control that I could not allow and pot, well pot made me horny and sleepy, not a good combination at any time, kind of self defeating I always thought.

There were other movements though, one of those was religion, meditation with the Beatles, various cults and a general trend to make standard religion more relevant. I became involved with the Jesus People movement, not the glassy eyed, turn over your money, drink the poison koolaide type Jesus People movement, rather kind of a Baptist, Evangelical make it groovy type movement. This entailed going to bible studies, church retreats, coffee houses where they sang alot of Cat Stevens and Godspell soundtrack songs, and we carried around these denim covered bibles the size of the tablets that came down the mountain with Moses.

At this point you are wondering what is going on, here I am saying I committed myself for at least a year to this essentially fundamentalist christian group, with all that entails, while on the weekends and holidays I am travelling three hours away and banging this blonde beauty that is madly in love with me. Well I told you that it is hard to reconcile which is a nice and self protecting way of saying it was hugely hypocritical.

These days comparable groups are seen as the clean cut do gooder, nerdy types that perhaps have grown up in an evangelical home or on the other hand those kids that feel alienated and use the groups and church to fit in to something. I on the other hand while certainly wanting to fit in like any other kid, don't think I really needed it and while I commited myself to the group, I don't recall total conformity rather alot of questioning and rejection of the illogical portions of the christian lifestye and doctrine that never really made sense to me. Besides it could be alot of fun and didn't put demands on me that I wasn't willing to accept. The other kids in the rather large and growing group contrary to the present perspective described above were in fact the cool kids, not the cheerleaders and jocks but the hippy, cool kids, older than most of us and looked up to as the ones that had the answers.

Like anything in high school it was one part substance and three parts hype and the kind of excitement of belonging to something that is new and maybe a bit rebellious. After all we just met at bible studies and disucssed doctrine like a bunch of Rabbis at a Pharasee convention, believing that our opinions mattered and that our insights were deep and earth shattering. I have to admit that my totally hypocritical position and heretic views made the arguments fun if nothing else.

In thinking back, its funny that my clique of friends didn't alienate me during this period, they more or less said well thats interesting, whats for lunch, and when my involvement faded out they just kind of accepted me back, actually pretty cool for that time and now given the nature of cliques.

Throughout school I was a solid B student, a few A's in the mix to keep the parents happy, although seen as a straight A student although I never was one, constantly asked at the end of the year why I wasn't on the honour roll, not a leader although I was seen as one and expected to be one no matter how hard I tried to dodge it. Its funny but I really didn't encourage or try to fake these virtues they just happened no matter how hard I tried to avoid them and perhaps it the true sign of an above average underachiever, the perception that you are an achiever when your not, so when the truth comes out the disappointment is greater especially if you achieved just enough to keep the perception alive.

The one thing I did do, simply because of the plan was finish my 5 years of high school in four, this was possible due to our new semester and credit system that allowed me to get the required credits to graduate by taking extra course load and a couple of summer school classes. I state this because in dispite the above the plan, the decision to be a lawyer, to stick to that Grade 6 decision and gain my father's acceptance, was still the foundation, the overiding drive moving me relentlessly forward.

So here is high school, average guy that fits in, percieved as a mover and shaker in the school, smart with high grades, a leader amongst his friends and for a period in the growing and popular hip and groovy Jesus People movement, with his future planned out and fully capable of making it work, an overachiever of the first order on the local level when actually an average guy avoiding the stresses of school by doing the nine to five thing, with average marks that he struggles at times to get, a leader that doesn't want to be and tries to avoid at all costs, a semi pious hypocrite with a double life.


High school was now over, I graduated firmly in the middle of the class, a year ahead of my friends, no graduation ceremony, no prom, I just essentially disappeared from high school.


The review of some of the things that happened in school I think give an indication of who I was, what I did and undoubtedly will shed some light on future events. They also confirms one of the earlier things I said, in that the events, the struggles and insecurities of high school, when considered in light of a life just don't matter.

Preamble

The beginning of a blog, I am over fifty, this is something new so I apologize in advance for the newbie clumsiness.

Before I get to the new stuff I think its important to give you the back story, the who is he, where did he come from sort of thing.

Born the first son of a lawyer and a school teacher, the lawyer demanding and semi distant, the teacher, passive aggressive in light of the lawyers strength of personality and personal insecurity's, other than than not a bad childhood, not privileged but comfortable not a genius but smart enough to fool those that weren't. Despite being the first and only son with two younger sisters I was placed in the position of constantly trying to prove myself to my father, while forced into the job of being my mother's confidant in the face of of her frustrations caused by the fact that passive aggressive doesn't matter to someone that has an overdeveloped sense of self entitlement.

I won't go into the childhood, it was average or just below, money while not thrown around was never an issue or at least from a kid's perspective, we always had what we needed and most of what we wanted but with depression era parents nothing was easy or free. School was the usual, always one of those kids on the cusp, start the first couple of days in the average class, moved to the bottom of the advanced class, just enough gab to make the cut. Always sounded smarter than I was, able to answer the question while the gifted kid dealt with his shyness and fear.

While thinking about the previous few paragraphs I was tempted to cut to high school, that bastion of adolescent terror and hormones, but in thinking about it the basics start in Grade Six, scary that the foundation of a life starts so early but as you will see dear reader decisions made then haunt me and set me on a path that has led me to the now, the crossroads so to speak.

Ok, Grade 6, not generally considered the the birthplace of the future but in my case, in its way, the beginning of the end or optimistically the middle. You see, decisions were made in Grade 6 and events happened that shaped my path whether by coincidence or design. First off, this is when people begin to ask you what you want to be, what you want to do with your life, kind of silly I know since back then the only thing I knew for sure is that I wanted a slot car set for Christmas, nevertheless the question was asked and I answered, I wanted to be a lawyer like my Dad.

So, you say, you wanted to be like your Dad, the one individual you were trying to please, big deal, what a surprise, you were in Grade 6, you could have said fireman, astronaut, who cares, aaah my friend you would normally be right, but as I think back on in it, in the light of the present, I heard a click, like a door locking as it closes, unnoticed but an irrevocably closed door just the same. When you go to a small school in a small town with kids that you will see every school day for years to come, people remember, they assume and its easier to let them, meet their expectations and walk the road always feeling you can take the next turn off whenever it comes, laziness and acceptance is an easy road to walk, it requires nothing but a nod and a smile.

Suffice it to say an immature, easy decision set events in motion that if you put up with these ramblings long enough you will see was and is in fact the beginning. Grade 6 held other milestones that illustrate the now.

I was, much to my quiet pride voted Master Courtesy by the teachers and students, a title awarded to someone that was polite, pleasing, held doors and helped others in the school without expectation of acknowledgement or reward. Pretty heady stuff as it was announced to the school, a point of pride and achievement.

So that great day leaving school anxiously thinking of the praise that would be heaped upon me for this achievement when I arrived home I started to walk, yes back in the 60's we walked to school to those readers to young to remember. As I approached the cross walk I received the geers of some of the other kids and one in particular, Glen. Yes I do remember his last name, its sad that I do, moments like this do stick in your mind, God knows why. In any event as we crossed the road he teased and ridiculed and then he pushed me again and again taunting me. I took it and I took it, after all I was Master Courtesy, then I pushed back and told him to stop and he punched me, it hurt but nothing serious and I walked home.

I arrived home and announced to my mother that I was Master Courtesy...., fireworks, drum rolls, gasps of delight, warm affirmation or just acknowledgement, I think you know where I am going with this. Needless to say after the lukewarm response, I got angry, the more I thought the angrier I got, so I walked back to the school and there was the source of my pain playing soccer. I walked up to him and punched him in the nose as hard as I could.....

After it was determined that his nose was not broken the Principal sent me home. I went home and when my father arrived I told him about being voted Master Courtesy, then about being hit and then going back and hitting Glen. I awaited my doom, and it never came, while my honour was dismissed as a middle school gimic the later punch was treated with praise, an appropriate action when dealing with aggression. Ok, I punched a bully, big deal, but even then I knew it was wrong, these events burned in my memory, for two reasons, I lost the title of Master Courtesy and more significantly it was the first and last time I ever raised my hand in anger or stood up for myself personally. And another door closed.

So dear readers, to recap, we have a Grade 6 student that has chosen a profession of confrontation while at the same time renouncing personal conflict. The plot thickens....

Cut to high school, there was Grade 7 and 8 but they were those years of conformity and puberty, the first kiss, the first girlfriend, and the desire to fit in and get more of the same, hormones are a bitch.