In my last post I went through the events that got me back to Ontario, if not to a normal state of mind, although hopefully I was getting closer to it, as well as the adjustments and battles that I had during that period. On reading the post there were so many other things going on at that time that I thought it would be important to fill in the blanks while at the same time reflecting on the nature of these events.
As I have said on a couple of occasions, depression is a strange, insidious, and dangerous thing, it destroys your life from the inside, so I do not want to give the impression that a few pills, talks with with the doctor and a new relationship suddenly made everything alright. This is definitely not the case, it takes years of work, counselling and determination to get back to what most people can consider normal. Anybody that is suffering from depression should know as I am sure anyone that has walked the road back to a normal life is aware, it is a hard and difficult journey and its affects can leave visible scars on your life that you will always have to deal with. The thing to remember is that the journey is more than worth it and no matter how great the pain it is better than the alternative.
Before I deal with the specifics and traumas of dealing with the courts from the other side of the counsel table and the law society I think it is important to discuss some of the effects that depression can have on your life and certainly had on mine. I have said that depression is insidious and it definitely is, not only does it sneak up on you it uses everything you are or want to be against you, every dream and every fear has its place in the arsenal, the greatest weapons in my opinion being, fear, pride and shame. These weapons may not all be used at once in your downfall but they will be used and often and always by you, depression's partner in crime. I should say that not only did these things contribute directly to my depression in the first they did not disappear when I finally bottomed out and began to get treatment, they have their place to this day, you may be able to win the battles but to date I honestly can say that I cannot see an end to the war.
Whatever the the event that starts your depression, whether like me, a bad relationship and divorce or financial problems or just the general stresses of life, somehow, someway the above will contribute to your downfall. As a lawyer I was the problem solver, the source of all wisdom to my clients and a pillar of strength in my family and community. Talk about pride before the fall. You see dear reader I could not admit to myself and thereby to others that I was having problems, I had to be strong, I could not be seen to be weak because not only would that endanger my perception of myself in the world but also in my profession, in the community and in my family which I could not and would not allow. I was the rock, while at the same time I was falling apart. So pride started my fall, the twin sisters of shame and fear finished the job.
Fear and shame are paralyzing, they stop you from doing anything, they make you procrastinate, not from laziness but from a fear of making the wrong decision, you do nothing instead of doing something wrong, you stall, instead of acting you react, instead of moving off the tracks you let the train run you down. I would like to say that at this point that I didn't realize that this was happening to me, but the sad fact is you do know that things are going south but instead of dealing with it properly and reasonably and asking for help to resolve the problem in a way that you would advise anyone else to do, you hide it because you cannot have a problem that you cannot solve. So in your addled state you start to pretend, everything is fine and when the odd person or friend notices a difference you lie and say everything is not only fine its great.
I didn't let on to anyone that I was having problems and lived quite happily thinking that I was fooling everyone and when I thought I wasn't as outlined earlier my behaviour got more and more extreme and then I just hung out with the people that either couldn't tell I was faking it or didn't care.
So now that I was home and getting treatment I thought I would be fine and things would get easier. In a way they did because the despair while initially not gone was beginning to fade, however the ever present shame and fear now came to the forefront. I guess the shame is understandable in that I had effectively blown the dream. Everyone tells you, friends, the doctors, anyone that loves you that it wasn't your fault, it was the depression that caused the problems, not me, I was a good person, and you even accept to a point that it might be true. However, as a lawyer that only recently began to believe in depression, kind of like being smacked in the mouth by Bigfoot, I still remembered the times that I used depression to defend or mitigate sentences on everything from theft to attempted murder all the while thinking that it was simply psycho babble and the person I was defending knew exactly what he or she was doing. If you add my own doubts to the fact that almost everyone one else either thinks the way I did or doesn't care how it happened just that you lost everything and are disgraced, shame comes easily and with the shame the fear.
You are afraid to walk down the street in case you see someone that knows or wants to ask questions about what happened, you don't want to face family because you were the shining star that has fallen and whether they think so or not you assume the worst. After a while you begin to see the condemnation in their eyes, in every comment you see the double meaning and the criticism, basically you begin to get very paranoid. I was once told that just because you are paranoid it doesn't mean everyone is not against you. Anyway on a more serious note after thinking about this for awhile and yes talking to the doctors I determined that the only way to deal with both the feelings of shame and the crippling belief that I was the topic of every conversation was to march in and face it head on. I think I compared it to bungee jumping, don't think just jump. I figured that I couldn't stop people from finding out what happened in a small town and if they were talking or judging there was nothing I could do to stop it. So I ignored it, I didn't let it stop my life, the feelings of shame and fear were still there it was just a matter of moving through it.
As you may remember from my previous posts I have never been big on personal confrontation despite my aggressive nature in court. The other effect of the shame and fear was what I can only describe as the total destruction of my self confidence, its easy to push yourself out into the community once you get the determination to do it, its another thing put yourself out there personally, to stand again and say deal with me. That is a battle that was hard fought and while the battles have become fewer and further apart they still occur and must be won.
Once the fog began to clear in my head I had to deal with the wreckage of my life or at least put out the fires after crashing and burning. The first matter on the agenda was attempting to deal with the law society and the various complaints about my practice. Now earlier in these postings I briefly discussed my opinions as to the mandate or purpose of the society in respect to the conduct of counsel, and while those comments were rather firm I do not want you to get the impression that I carry some resentment as to what the society did in my case or in general, on the contrary I both understand the reasons for their actions and the need for their position in respect to the profession. In hindsight what I believe I had and have problems with is both their unrealistic approach to the practical aspects of the profession, and what I perceived, right or wrong as the guilty till proven innocent approach to disciplinary action.
I have read the above a few times and to tell the truth no matter how many times I edit the paragraph it still sounds like sour grapes. Its funny I have sworn to myself to be honest in this blog yet I really have problems setting out my views on the society's handling of my disciplinary matter. It's not like the action was not appropriate, I crashed and burned and screwed up endangering my clients' positions and my life, that I can see. I think my problem arises with the mechanics and the obvious limitations to the process despite their knowledge of the nature of the majority of problems that give rise to disciplinary action.
What I am trying to say here is that by the time I had to deal with the society I was both intellectually, emotionally and financially incapable of doing so. It is easy to personalize the proceedings which of course is not an effective approach or one based on reality given the number of complaints and/or actions that the society would take in a year. However due to my mental state at the time there is no other way that I could or would look at it. I once stated in a speech to a Bar Assistance Program meeting that during this period I had felt like Job being tested by God, then after a while I determined that Job was a bit of a wuss as he only had the devil on his case and I had the law society after me.
So dear reader I hope I have now illustrated if not established that the workings of the society at least in respect to their dealings with me were a function of a social imperative and institutional structure and procedure. However, in defence of my own recollections I would now suggest that as any institution is made up of people it can fall prey to both a general institutional bias and/or the personal agendas and perceptions of its agents and employees. I make this suggestion due to the fact that even at the earliest stages of the investigation and after I had begun making full disclosure of all materials and events that occurred in my practice the position of the investigators and the disciplinary counsel was that I was dishonest and should be disbarred. This opinion was not an implied position but a stated one prior to even the completion of the preliminary investigation. This position was also taken in conjunction with the statement made, again prior to any investigation and the provision of medical reports, that I did not want to be a lawyer and was purposely sabotaging my practice to enable me to cease my practice. It is really this initial illogical, unreasonable and self justifying position taken by the society that has in hindsight given rise to my previous comments as to the "scorched earth" approach of the society generally.
Upon further reflection as to my dealings with the society I would like to state that most bar associations have lawyer assistance programs to assist people just like me that are sliding into depression or are experiencing other psychological, emotional or substance abuse problems. This is not to suggest that even if I was aware of them at the time that I would have taken advantage of their assistance. I would suggest that anyone reading these various missives that may see himself or herself here, make inquiries, as my involvement with this type of organization later demonstrated to me that allot of problems could have been avoided with their help.
Despite the above and as a result of the research I have done over the years I would suggest that despite the fact that the societies fund or partially fund these assistance programs their commitment to the conditions that the programs are designed to assist are initially given little weight. It is this approach that gives rise, not to bitterness on my part but rather concern as it would seem that their position in respect to depression was the same as mine prior to actually experiencing it. They view it as simply an excuse to avoid responsibility for inappropriate conduct. The question then arises whether the funding or partial funding of the assistance programs is a politically correct response to the problems of lawyers or a real policy commitment that is disregarded or minimized in application. In my case, despite full cooperation, submission of several drafts of agreed statements of fact, numerous medical and psychiatric reports, the independant corroboration of accounting reports, file reviews, countless letters of recommendation and the eventual acceptance of my diminished mental capacity, the society's main concern was to find dishonesty despite the evidence to the contrary.
Was this a example of institutional policy or a function of the individuals enforcing or applying the overall mandate of the society in accordance with their personal agendas or subject to their perception of the society's overall mandate. To tell the truth I cannot answer the question and can only suggest that it is or can be a factor that may have affected my dealings with the society and could effect the interests of someone reading this story while experiencing the same problems.
Now dear reader as previously indicated, at the time I had to deal with the society I was psychologically, emotionally and financially bankrupt, a position that anyone fighting the allegations of the society will almost undoubtedly or inevitably end up in if they did not start there. Despite this if I can give any advice I would state that it is imperative that you get counsel, you cannot handle this matter on your own. I say this with full knowledge and experience with the potential practical difficulties in terms of finances and maybe even finding someone to represent you. You must remember even though I had avoided actual suicide, there are many ways to hurt yourself and with depression and even in recovery from depression it is amazing how quickly you and your companions shame and fear can find them.
I was lucky insofar as there were a few of my previous colleagues that were ready to assist me. They could only do so much for free though, as those of you that are or were in partnerships or associates thereof are aware, billable hours are billable hours and in dealing with this type of matter there are more than enough hours to be noticed by the office manager. I should also point out that while I had a few colleagues willing to assist, I believe, again in hindsight that it takes a very particular type of lawyer and quite frankly person to represent you in this type of matter. He or she must be courageous, not wear a cape, pluck babies from burning buildings courageous, but rather have the personal strength of character to deal with the society without the usual personal paranoia that lawyers have about anyone at the society knowing who they are, they must have a personal believe in you and of who you are and finally they must at least understand and know why you will be little or no help to their efforts. This type of counsel obviously does not grow on trees however the strange thing is we probably all know one or have at least met one during our practice. He or she doesn't have to be the best advocate in the world, although it helps, they are simple individuals of quiet character that are willing to look at you and your case with an open mind and a willingness to commit to you not just the file.
I suggested that the characteristics of the counsel above are important because I believe that in dealing with the society counsel cannot be intimidated by the institutional might or mandate of the society, he or she must to some extent by sheer force of will and commitment, endeavour to make the society understand that your conduct did not result from malicious intent or lack of character but rather from an uncontrollable loss of focus and understanding. Further when you grow tired or professionally suicidal and suggest that you will accept anything the society wants to do to you because you deserve it, they must be able to listen patiently and in an understanding manner tell you to shut up and do what you are told. This last characteristic is important because in the case of depression, shame and fear are always present along with the desire for all the trouble to be over and submission to the winds of fate are always the easy way.
I was lucky in terms of counsel in that all the counsel that stood by me to one extent or another had many of these characteristics but one in particular came forward that stood out and while I definitely took some hits, which were unavoidable given my conduct throughout the depression and the loss of control of my practice, he did, I believe through force of his character and understanding of my problems save me from an institutional steamrolling resulting from a failure to understand that depression is not an excuse but an affliction.
In the end I was suspended for one year, had to continue treatment until told I could stop by the doctor and I had to repay monies improperly billed or accounted for. I would at this point with a full understanding of the necessity of society's disciplinary action but also with an understanding of some of the factors leading to same paraphrase the findings of a B.C. Justice in respect to this type of proceeding when he stated that the mandate of a society is to discipline, not punish and destroy. I would hope that this judicial acknowledgment may give some comfort to anyone involved in this type of proceeding while at the same time give pause to anyone involved in prosecuting this type of action. It must be remembered that despite new age enlightenment, spiritual priorities and general psycho babble, when someone spends their life becoming a lawyer, its not simply who they are or their job, its what they are and to destroy it is to risk destroying them and as such every consideration must be given before such a drastic step should be taken. I would suggest that indirectly the society is dealing with the very life of its member and as such the factors considered should be reviewed without the interference of public perception or personal agenda.
I was and maybe am unsure about including the last line of the last paragraph but despite this misgiving I am going to leave it. Not because it is especially insightful or unique to lawyers but simply because it is true. It is one thing that may not be helpful but in terms of my own life cannot be changed. It is how I perceive myself, a once lawyer, a going to be a lawyer again, or a disgraced lawyer, it is all the same with various emotional and personal consequences, a fact that I cannot or will not escape. I can only suggest or rather hope that those reading this understand that you can change what you do, you cannot change what you are and as such you must fight and seek whatever help you can to preserve that one thing that may form the foundation of your life and once preserved work hard to make it and yourself better.
During the above battle which took only paragraphs here to describe yet years to experience, I had to also deal with the drug possession charge that occurred as a result of my foiled suicide attempt. While this of course was a serious event for which I not only had to return to B.C to resolve but also to one of the very courtrooms that I appeared in hundreds if not thousands of times defending other charged with the same if not worse offences, it was, in hindsight an event that proved to me that God must have a dark and dry sense of humour.
As indicated at the time I was arrested for possession of a trace amount of cocaine, I was fairly confident, even in my befuddled state of mind that the charge was, from a legal perspective weak if not unsupportable. However, after considering both the risk management aspects of the matter and the fact that I was just in the process of removing my head from my butt, I decided to cut the deal and get out of it as best I could. Arrangements were made and a plea with a joint submission for a conditional discharge was agreed upon, however the Crown required, that I attend to enter the plea. I have always felt that this was a bit of a vindictive demand as my attendance was unnecessary and all it achieved was further humiliation, however a deal is a deal, and how much worse could it be.
I flew to B.C to face the music once again and while enroute decided that I was going to hold my head up and be if not defiant, unbowed in the face of my humiliation. The morning of my court appearance I awoke at Bob's home with no feeling in the entire right side of my face. After a fantic call to my doctor I was advised that the new medication he had put me on had resulted in an incident of Bell's Palsy. For those of you that don't know this affliction can have many symptoms but in my case was the removal of nerve and muscle action to the right side of my face, kind of like having the dentist freeze one side of your head.
So there I was sitting in court as a defendant with the body of the court filled with counsel and past clients, after all I did alot of criminal work in the past, ready to face the judge from the other side of the counsel table, not head up and unbowed but rather sitting there with the sensation that the entire right side of my face was sliding into my lap. At the time not fun, in hindsight even I have to laugh and to this day I believe it is proof that God has a dry sense of humour and was clearly demonstrating to me again that pride comes before a fall, literally.
