Well, dear reader after reading my previous posts I thought I would take a few minutes and maybe clarify a few things.
To date I appear rather driven, well, I guess that's so, it didn't mean I was obsessed only close to it. I did have a childhood, I did have a life, the only thing I can say to maybe put the previous posts in perspective is that anything and everything I did was first weighed or balanced against its effect on my overall goals. I was at the time still naive enough to believe that its the big decisions that make big changes in your life when in fact it is always the little inconsequential decisions that end up making the biggest differences, turning left instead of right, going out instead of staying home, saying no instead of yes. Its always the little things that get you because you are never counting on big consequences to little decisions.
As to my parents, I have perhaps implied the problems more than stated them, the fact is they love me of that there is no doubt as is the fact that they have and always would be there if I needed them. However as mentioned my father while never physically abusive was and is a bully, someone that encouraged you to take guitar lessons and then made a point of forcing you to play in front of people so he could ridicule you, a person that demanded the highest of standards and when met disregarded the achievement but when you came up short was relentless in his condemnation. The real problem that was difficult to deal with was that he was a smart as he thought he was, as honest and upright as he expected you to be and most infuriating, he was as right as he always thought he was., My mother as previously mentioned was and is the most passive aggressive person I have ever met, yet despite this we did have a bond, a kind of battle partnership resulting from the fact that my father's bullying, (emotional) was always directed at my mother or me, never my younger sisters, so we kind of had the misery loves company thing going on. However despite this bond and her need for a confidant in terms of her problems with my father when push came to shove it was always my sisters that she catered too, justifying it to me quite honestly by saying that as I was the only boy she had to balance out the favouritism. I know it always confused me too given the above.
As to me, in addition to and consistent with the previous posts, I am just average nothing special, not too tall, not hard to look at but nothing to write home about, smart enough to get by and dumb enough to get into enough trouble to scare me from doing anything more serious. I don't want to imply by my previous posts that I didn't do anything wrong and that I was some sort of single minded saint. Did I cheat during my main relationships outlined here, no, did I in lesser relationships not mentioned here, yes. Did I make bad decisions, say hurtful things, disregard, ignore, or fail to take time to understand the feelings of others, yes, am I proud of that now, no. Did did I take steps then to address these problems, unfortunately not at the time but later the epiphany that changes this fact and leads to greater downfalls will be discussed.
In the relationships that I have discussed here were there more problems than outlined here, yes, other than the breakups with Chrystal mentioned herein were there problems between Robin and I at times, yes, but they were worked out, or so I thought.
Generally speaking I was a guy, with all the good and bad that the generic terms implies about a a youth and man of my age, not always thinking with my head while at the same time making assumptions about the thoughts and feelings of others that were based more on my insecurities that on the truth of the situation.
