Well dear reader I have outlined some of the events that were occurring during the period after I arrived back in Ontario and discussed some of my feelings about the things I had no choice but to deal with to try to get my life back on the starting blocks. In other words I have had a good if suppressed rant, now its time to outline the personal aspects of what was happening during this period.
At this time Chrystal and I had gotten back together and through all the trials that I outlined in my previous posts she was standing beside me supporting me in both my actions and decisions. While this is a great thing on its own it is even more important than it would appear because she was the bastion against the return of the depression while at the same time giving me a safe haven to return to when the side effects or after affects of the depression started to get to me. We like any couple have our good times and our bad, but we live through these times knowing that we have gone through the very bad times and that we can do almost anything together.
During the various battles for custody and the ongoing, at this time battle with the law society we moved to various apartments slowly building a life together until we reached the point that we could purchase our own home. While this is a milestone for anyone in a relationship it was especially important for me because it was a step back on the road to self-sufficiency and in some way self respect. I know we are not supposed to gauge our value in the world by material possessions but as one that lost everything, it was a definite step. Now this is not to imply that it was a palace, it wasn't, actually a fixer upper but in a nice neighbourhood with a view of the lake and close to the ski hill, it had definite potential. I should point out that it is generally accepted that when it comes to being handy I am a great supervisor. However I was lucky again in that Chrystal is very handy so the fixer upper became her project and I just fetched the tools when told what they looked like. After many years our fixer upper is now a beautiful house that I can now honestly say is a palace and more importantly our home.
You may recall that I mentioned earlier that after Chrystal and I first separated in our late teens she had gotten married and had a son. After returning to Ontario I have gotten to know this young man, that once could have been mine and he is a great person, a good friend and the now father of two of my grandchildren. However it had always been Chrystal's regret that she had never had another child as she had tried for twenty years but was told by the doctors that she would never conceive again.
So we settled into our new house, we had custody of my daughter McKenzie and we all started to look at the future with some hope and expectations. This is not to say everything was perfect, I was still dealing with the society and its associated costs as well as paying off the bills related to the custody fight, but we were managing and most important we were a family. Then to our surprise near the end of our first year in our new home we discovered why its important to get a second medical opinion, Chrystal became pregnant with our son Timothy. Now to say I was surprised is a polite way of saying I was happy, shocked and scared to death. Upon reflection it is probably more proof that God has a dry sense of humour. Nothing like a new baby to keep you focused.
During this period as previously outlined I had gone through the embarrassment of applying for assistance and I must say that I learned over time that it is not just an embarrassment for me, but I believe for anyone that reaches that position. It is difficult to both admit that you have reached a point so low that you need to be supported by the government and to be forced to admit that fact both to yourself and the world. After being on support for awhile with Chrystal helping with her income I got the job as a consultant for a couple of years and when that contract ended I discovered that you could be a paralegal in Ontario and practice in the lower courts and tribunals.
As I had put all my eggs in the legal basket at an early age this seemed to be the only option I had so I began to advertise a paralegal business. This option at first blush would appear to be perfect, do what I was good at, what I loved to do and something that would pay the bills while keeping my legal hand in for the future. Well this was true in many respects but it proved a trial then as it does now to some extent, both due to the professional and personal scars that the depression had left and the very nature of the profession that I had been a part of and was so anxious to be a part of again.
Paralegals in Ontario had fought for almost a decade with the law society for the right to represent the public in the courts and eventually won this right through the courts. Given this fight and the resulting position of the society and lawyers generally there was reluctant acceptance of agents by the bar in general, with open hostility from a few. It should be noted that even with the general acceptance the attitude of most but not all lawyers was a patronizing one, viewing us as the idiot cousins that somehow managed to get permission to sit at the big table. If you add this atmosphere to my lack of confidence, my fear of standing out, and my now total fear of confrontation you may be able to understand my reluctance if not total fear of appearing in court or even dealing with lawyers generally. Shame has a way of popping up when you least need it.
I would like to be able to provide some pearl of wisdom, some universal insight, or psychological breakthrough that allowed me to return to the courts. I would like to tell you that like a butterfly from the cocoon I burst back into the court shining in my brilliance. Unfortunately, I cannot, I did not burst into the courtroom in triumphant return, I slunk back, knees bent, head down, fighting my fear with every step, but the point is I did go back, both because I needed to support my family and because despite the depression and the fear I knew I needed to stand up, maybe not tall but at least I could stand there and acknowledge my own existence. A bit dramatic I know, rather a fancy way of saying I just gutted it out, and all I can suggest to anyone else in the same position in life is that when you are ready you have to make the step, you cannot hide, you cannot let the depression stop you from moving in some way through your life It if nothing else it lets you know that the fear can be beaten.
Now it would be nice to say that after proving myself in the courts, and I believe I did time and time again, that the fear and problems disappeared, but they didn't. It has been many years since my first day in court and while I walked around for many of them with my heard down relying on quiet persuasion with opposing counsel rather than aggressive or at least firm positions I still find on a weekly if not daily basis that I am treated, as are other paralegals with the same patronizing attitude by many lawyers that I experienced in the beginning. In addition to this you would think that my past problems while not advertised by me but never hidden, were still almost universally known, would fade into the background in the face of my obvious success and competence. Unbelievably this is not the case, it is a common misconception amongst even the local lawyers now, years later that I was disbarred not suspended. I have even had counsel while attempting to remove attention from their own errors state that I was disbarred in open court in an attempt to destroy my credibility, prejudice the court and win their case. I have had lawyers refuse to respond to me in respect to my client's interests and have even been told by counsel that do not know me personally that they will not deal with me because of the events years ago in the west, despite the fact that they have no idea what those events were. Remember dear reader I once said that the scars of depression can haunt you for years and they certainly have haunted me. However, to anyone in any profession or job that is facing this type of fallout from their past depression or is afraid to venture forth because of a fear of this type of treatment, you must do it anyway, you must face this fear because to hide is to open the door once more to the factors that may have contributed to your depression in the first place. You may not always win the battles but if you can win one at least you will know that there can be other victories.
Well years have passed and paralegals are a feature of the legal landscape, the society that once fought to refuse paralegals admission to the courts has now successfully fought to have us licenced and to be the administrators of the process. As an aside, while I agree that paralegals must be licenced I always smile at idea that the society is in charge, to me it is kind of like accepting a dinner invitation from Hannibal the Cannibal, you know there is a dinner you just don't know who is on the menu. Anyway, back to the ghosts of my past.
As part of the licencing process in addition the the competency tests, there is a requirement that you be of good character. I am sure you can see where I am going with this. Needless to say I disclosed everything, my past, any complaints valid or frivolous that I may had over the years in the conduct of my business, almost to the point of admitting that I broke my mom's china figure when I was seven. I heard nothing for over a year, I thought that for once I had proven myself, moved on from the past and escaped the ghosts of my depression. This of course was and is not the case and I am presently attempting to establish my good character to a law society once more and can only hope that my post and pre depression life is sufficient to establish same. These are the battles that will not stop but as I said earlier it is important to fight them if for no other reason that to establish that you can fight, and that no matter what the perception of those around you, you are the person you want to be or at least are on the journey there.
So dear reader I have almost brought you up to the present, we have two grandchildren from Chrystal's son, we have one granddaughter from my daughter McKenzie and we have our nine year old son. Life is not always easy for any of us, things get financially tight, and the battles sometimes make me weary, the trick is to remember the one thing that depression always takes from you, the knowledge that there is always hope and that despair and fear can always be beaten with help and understanding.
As a final note and to complete some of the circles started earlier I recently heard from Karen, she is a respected yoga instructor, travelling the world giving seminars and is presently considering becoming a monk. As to Robin, well I have not spoken to her since that afternoon in B.C before my divorce but understand that she married a successful lawyer in the US and has quite a reputation as an equestrian, a dream that she always had. So I guess in the end things turn out the way they should, and while any of the decisions I made in my life big and small could have changed the events that I have discussed here I am glad I am where I am now, I just wish the trip had been a little more comfortable.
