Well dear reader at the end of my last post I thought that perhaps the drama was over, but then again perhaps I forgot the title of this blog and should have known better. First of all some good news, my son in the west and his girlfriend had a baby boy making me a grandfather again. They named him after me, something that given the troubles he has survived in his life because of my trials and tribulations has touched me very deeply. It has also raised some questions in my mind as to whether I should let this blog stand as published because as I indicated he does not know that he is not biologically mine and I would never want to cause him any more pain. However after thinking about it I truly believe it is important that others that have suffered from depression or are suffering from it know that they are not alone and can have a life.
In my previous posts I have spoken about the the fact that the scars of depression do not seem to fade, like a scarlet letter branded on your forehead they persist and there is no doubt that this is a test of your determination and quite frankly your health. After finishing my last post and at the end of last week I received notice that the law society had determined that I must go to hearing to establish my good character as part of the paralegal licencing process. I wish I could say I was shocked and rant on with some kind of righteous indignation, but alas I cannot. I am of course disappointed that the materials I forwarded to the society were not sufficient to assure them of my character but I am not surprised as the scars are too obvious and past errors too great to dismiss.
Immediately after getting this notice I had to leave to take my family camping, and I mean the family, all the kids, all the grand kids and a cousin, struck out for the north woods with enough equipment to climb Everest. I mention this now because it did help me take my mind off of things for a while mainly because I hate camping. Bugs, dirt in your food, uncomfortable sleeping arrangements in a damp tent and the constant refrain of kids telling you they are bored when faced with outdoors. Ahh the things we do as dads.
We arrived back on Sunday, pulled back muscle, filthy clothes and feeling like we had been camping for a month instead of two days, only to find a the society's disclosure package that had been couriered to me. I knew it would be coming and in fact if it hadn't I would have requested it, but boy it was lousy timing and as such the package sits here on my desk, opened but unread until I work up the courage to dive back in to the ocean of my mistakes, alleged mistakes and the questions that will determine whether I am of good character or not.
I said earlier in these postings that with the scars of depression come the insidious duo of fear and shame with the added bonus of self-doubt. Well dear reader over the weeks I have written about the battles I won or lost in the past in the hope that it could help someone else, I will now continue this blog while actually fighting a battle. I only hope I can remember my own advice, learn from past lessons and hopefully establish that I have a good character even when I sometimes cannot see it myself. The point being that the battle I will be describing is not really with the society but with myself.
After thinking about the above for a few hours, I must think of my back because it still hurts, I am trying to quantify both my feelings toward the hearing generally and quite frankly what good character is objectively. I guess my feelings generally are that I am afraid, the old adversary fear is quick to raise its ugly head. I am afraid that I cannot take another for the lack of a better word, inquisition as to my life and past mistakes, afraid that I cannot handle this type of matter on my own but as I cannot afford to retain counsel I must, afraid that despite believing that I am a good person that my mistakes and misjudgments will bring the opposite conclusion when viewed objectively, afraid that this trial will be the one that is too much. Its easy to talk about past battles won or lost but survived, its hard to look down the road to a new one.
I was once told by a colleague that helped me in the past that if I survived this and moved on with my life no one could question my character again. Well I guess he was wrong but then again being a member of the bar does not make you infallible, it only lets you think you are, come to think of it he was the same friend that told me that just because you are paranoid doesn't mean everybody is not out to get you. Well I am starting to ramble but I hope this free flow of thoughts lets you see that even after all of these years not only do the scars of depression have their effect, the fear, shame and self doubt that contributed to depression are also never far away. The trick is to acknowledge it, face it, and ask for help which I am going to do, I am just not sure who at this point as I am at the early stage of the battle, all I know from my last encounter is that I cannot and will not do it alone.
This is not to say dear reader that I am getting depressed again, just that I am staying vigilant. As I have said, depression sneaks up on you, and by the time you recognize it you are not in the proper frame of mind to deal with it responsibly. Is this being paranoid, probably, but once bitten twice shy. As part of the recovery from depression you are warned to be watchful for the early signs, insomnia, procrastination, and the feeling of being alone, of wanting to be alone and the despair of being alone. I have been acting as a paralegal now for almost 10 years, I have won most of my cases, and obtain my business by word of mouth and referrals from counsel. In that time I have had 3 complaints, all in my view frivolous, but given the licencing process all fair game in addition to my past mistakes in determining good character. I have made mistakes in my life and dealt with them, I have taken the stresses of daily life and then some, my concern dear reader as I have mentioned so many times before in these postings, I can fight for others endlessly, its fighting for myself that has always been the problem, thus vigilance is called for.
Another day, I have reviewed the case law from the society and to some extent determined the criteria or standard that must be established at the character hearing. Sounds confident huh. Confidence is the wrong word because as indicated throughout this blog, despite my confidence in court or when dealing with the interests and rights of my clients, personally and in matters surrounding my own life I have never really been confident, a character flaw, perhaps but something I have always dealt with and even more so after the depression. So I have determined the best manner for me to proceed in respect to the society hearing is to treat it solely as a client file, to consider what advice or manner I would deal with this for someone else and then take my own advice and avoid personalizing the matter at all costs.
The problem with this approach to some extent is that since returning from the west and recovering from the depression my life and the life of my family has been much more insular. In B.C. I was much more outgoing, a member of a service club, very social going out for dinner with friends and even unsuccessfully running for local municipal office all in conjunction with my busy work schedule. Upon reflection and recovery I decided that this type of life while I was devoted to my kids, did not really make them the foundation priority, so upon recovering and starting my family here I strove to change my priorities and make my family the foundation of my life. This is not to say that I do not work too much, in fact I do. My approach to representing my clients has always been to be personally invested in the file. This of course is not a good idea and probably contributed to my depression by adding to the stresses of each file, increasing the expectations of the clients, and to some extent my perceptions of my personal worth. As I said I am aware that because of these negative side effects that this is not a great way to proceed, in fact I have always to some extent admired those counsel and even paralegals that could essentially be professional sociopaths. Now this sounds worse that it is, I simply see it as the ability to separate personal emotion and investment from the file, to do the job, deal with the client and get the job done without making it personal or being emotionally involved. I have tried but I just can't do it, so I must watch and again be vigilant so I don't work too much or lose site of the job in respect to the needs, emotions or expectations of the client. This type of approach also effects the bottom line because I generally end up cutting retainers or doing hours more work on a file that I don't bill for because the client can't afford it or the file begins to become less cost effective. This on top of the fact that I end up taking calls at all hours of the night and weekends does not impress Chrystal but its always been the way I have done the job and while I have tried to change it I can't seem to do it. Nevertheless other than work I spend time with my family and that's about it. This not to say that we do not have friends and simply hide out, on the contrary we do get out but our friends are mainly our family.
In reading this it seems a bit limited and too insular but it is not intentional as it once was when subject to the depression its simply as result of time and I guess money. We have our lives, I cook, Chrystal gardens, I collect eight tracks and Lp's I know its strange, but I firmly believe they will make a comeback, and we generally get on with our lives.
